I feel guilty for wanting relief from the heaviness in my heart, when so many people have been living under the weight of injustice simply because they exist- simply because others can choose to be evil.
I feel angry at the lies and misinformation I was fed as a child. "Black Lives Matter is racist." "Protesting for rights is just an excuse for violence." "Anti-white racism is a more pressing matter at this point." "Police brutality is not an issue of racism. Systemic racism doesn't exist anymore." I am angry I did not investigate all these things for myself earlier, and that I did not express myself more strongly when I first started realizing they were not true.
I am frustrated at my inability to do more. I feel powerless, and not just powerless as an individual. I feel like this problem is so big and deep and subversive that even all of us together will still be overcome and unheard.
I feel wrath. May God's wrath pour out on this country and all the people who hang on to evil and hurtful ideals, and also those who choose to ignore the voices of the oppressed, particularly when those voices are so accessible.
I feel extreme anxiety. Tension. Conflict. Anxiety that has prevented me from calling. Anxiety that has prevented me from researching and speaking out. Anxiety that has prevented me from marching.
I feel grief that my anxiety has stopped me from doing what I believe. I feel grief that others may be doing the same thing.
I feel pressured to force my anxiety to stand down, and I feel compelled to do something. Almost anything.
I feel insecurity. I don't know that my voice is welcome in the middle of everything. There are voices that matter much more- voices that actually know what they're talking about. Please look for those voices- reading this does not mean you are aware or justified. Writing this does not justify my inactions and prior beliefs. It does not justify my leaving others to believe harmful lies unchallenged.
I repent before God and whoever might read this.
What now?
I don't know how much of this post is ok, and how much it shows my lack of awareness. I hope I haven't said anything here to hurt anyone. I'm sorry for writing about myself right now; I just don't feel really qualified to give information about anything else. I don't want to post anything incorrect for others to read, particularly considering the right-wing community I grew up in. I don't want to give anyone any more ammunition in their wrongness.