Hello! It's been awhile!
The last thing I posted was a synopsis of my life and health for the past couple of years, and my feelings about 2023. We're almost halfway through the year now, and so much has happened and changed... some of it good, some of it amazing, and some of it very hard.
In my last post I said that had entered the dating world, and I didn't have a boyfriend but I had made some lovely friends. By the time I wrote that, I was already phased out of online dating. I had a pretty full social life, and I was feeling busy and fulfilled and not in need of a boyfriend. Or dating experience.
God had other plans....
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| Our announcement on January 19 |
I like to say that this came about because of divine meddling. Zeb and I became close friends while neither of us had any intention of starting a serious relationship. (I was a bit more open to the idea, though.) After things had developed in some very annoying directions, we spent roughly two months with romantic feelings out in the open, and the agreement that we still weren't going to date. I was so frustrated with my silly feelings that weren't quite going away, hahaha.
And then... Divine Meddling™.
I remember being so confused one afternoon, after Zeb and I had specifically agreed to remain "just" friends. We had visited our local Mormon church together, and afterwards spent the afternoon talking about truth and theology and calling and what God has done in our lives... At one point in the middle of the conversation, God whispered to me, "His calling is _______, and your calling is ___________, and those two things go together."
My thought was, "Why in the world would you tell me this?"
We both felt like we were where God wanted us to be, including in our relationship. I still believe we were. But He kept dropping hints about the future, and now here we are. 😅
And it's absolutely lovely. I'm so overwhelmingly lucky that I can't even describe it. When I see Zeb holding Bailey, or working on a project; when he invests in relationships with my family, when he shows me kindness and grace when I'm struggling.... I don't deserve him. But I guess we never deserve good gifts, and God gives them anyway.
I mentioned us going to Mormon church.... That's something that's remained a part of our lives. I think it's been really good for me to examine beliefs and embrace people that I otherwise wouldn't. I've heard such a mix of accuracies and misconceptions about Mormons and the Mormon church over the years, that when I realized the Holy Spirit is active in their lives, I was kinda surprised. From what I'd heard, they're not Christian in almost any sense.
I think they're a good group of people who love Jesus just like I do; and who also have some beliefs I don't agree with, and heroes and structures that I can't really align myself with.
Which is like pretty much any group of God's kiddos. So it makes me happy to explore more of my extended family, hahaha. ("This is my church family on the Mormon side," lol.) And I'm really grateful for the connections and friends I've/we've made.
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| Getting an epic burger at Junkyard with the JC missionaries, Elders Shelley and Nielsen. |
I don't know exactly where God is going with these connections, but I'm happy to settle into them and wait to see what He's up to. 😊
In more general terms, my social life isn't what it once was, hahaha. I pushed myself really hard for a very long time- helping hold a lot of things together for other people, and then having to hold myself together in my downtime. I think that all started at least last fall or so? So I didn't really have time to invest in my less intense relationships. A few months ago I told my pastor that I was approaching my limit and I didn't want to commit to things.
Unfortunately, I am bad at not committing to things.
So, I hit some pretty rough burnout. Which means that even after external circumstances have changed, my social life is still on the more minimal side. It honestly makes me extra grateful for the connections I had already built last summer- they've supported me so much. I'm especially grateful to Hannah, Maggie, and Marissa. They've all taken turns initiating plans, which means I don't have to. And they're such an uplifting group. Being with them nourishes my soul. Even though they take pictures and laugh, instead of helping me, when I fall off of things from laughing too hard. 😂
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| L-R: Me, Marissa, Hannah, Maggie |
Another contributing factor to my social decline is... I'm just busy! Between the two of us, Zeb and I have almost every evening booked except Sunday! We have 4 recurring things on the calendar every week, and then the last couple of days always get filled. 3 out of our 4-5 Saturdays a month are usually already scheduled out, as well, so that pretty much just leaves one "empty" evening a week, which gets filled with whatever we can't fit into the other days. On Sundays we sleep it all off so we can start again.
It's something we're both having to evaluate. I know, for myself, that I'm not great at prioritizing. So it can be really hard to figure out what actually needs to stay on the schedule, and what can be set aside for a week.
We're figuring it out together. We have to: we've both gotten a bit burned out.
For me, this burnout has been weird. Last time I pushed so far past my limits, I got that weird paralysis-ish thing for awhile.
This time, my body has honestly held up remarkably well. I take naps and rest when I need to, and a day or two later I can be back at it again! It's very mixed, for me. I love that I can do more, and I like being able to move. But I'm still sort of always teetering around the brink of further collapse and exhaustion, because I haven't hit a point where I have no options. I've been having to choose to say, "I can't do that." "Yes, I'm okay, I'm just trying to make sure it stays that way," which is a totally new concept to me. So, I often miscalculate. Which means that I'm dragging things out a bit longer, each time I overreach.
TW for the next three paragraphs: mentions of suicidal ideation.
I would say the biggest effects of burnout have been on my mental/emotional state. Insecurities feel bigger. Triggers hit a LOT harder. My mood swings can be pretty dysregulated. And it seems like really small things can suddenly start that little pathway in my brain that says, "I want to die."
One week my insecurities with Zeb built up so big that they kinda exploded. Another week I was falling over from exhaustion. Another week I had 3 anxiety attacks. This week it's the suicidal ideation that seems to kick in on auto-pilot.
I do want to clarify that I absolutely do not want to die. It's just that my brain had that thought as an automatic response for years, so sometimes it just goes there, basically separately from me. So, I wouldn't say I'm in danger. But it does get exhausting to have to fight my own thoughts, or correct them, especially when I'm under some sort of emotional distress.
Back to less triggering topics!
I cut my hair. 😁
I've always had it decently long. A side effect of growing up Mennonite, hahaha. In the past few years I've grown it to its maximum length a couple of times, which was really fun. I loved the swishy ponytails and the fun updos and the really long braids.
And then I cut them off. 😊 I initially cut off over a foot of hair. Hannah cleaned up the back where I couldn't reach, and I taught Zeb how to do layers.
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| Initial ponytail chop. Yes, they got donated, thanks to my mom. 😊 |
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| Pre-layers. I was already pretty pleased with it. |
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| My very handsome haircut assistant. 😁 |
And then I got bored and had Hannah help me cut it even shorter, so now it's more of a long, layered bob. (Layers courtesy of Zeb once again.) I love that I have a haircut team, lol.
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| We always have fun. 😁 |
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| I think this is the best picture I have of the current length. |
It's definitely been an adjustment!! I can just barely get it into a ponytail now, so when it's hot I braid my bangs back and do two little ponytail-bun-things to keep it contained. 😅 I'm thinking of cutting it shorter again, but it might wait til fall, cuz I think I'll wanna be able to put it up over the summertime.
I know that after all the bigger updates, haircuts are a bit mundane.
But my hair is a big deal to me. It's a part of my identity in a way I don't know that I can express. I think the best I can do is share an experience.
After I posted pictures of my haircut, I was surprised at how many people commented, whom I know from Mennonite circles. Positive comments. I think a lot of us are on parallel journeys of discovering openness to new things.
I looked at the picture and I realized something.
I don't look ex-Mennonite anymore. Which is weird. I'm used to being able to look at people and just know if they grew up Mennonite or Charity or conservative homeschooled or something along those lines. There's a vibe, and I don't know if I could explain it, but it reminds me of something one of my cousins said about Amish kids on rumspringa- they look like they don't know how to do their hair.
Awhile ago, I started transitioning out of having Mennonite hair. Now I don't really have ex-Mennonite hair either. It's weird to think about. I don't know that people from the kinds of communities I grew up in, would be able to identify that I'm one of them. Or, that I was, at one point.
It's a sense of liberation and loss.
But my hair looks cute. 😁 And I think this is an important part of my process of growing up and deciding what to keep, and what to let go.
I've been having to process a lot of things lately. And let go of a lot of them.
Past experiences, relational expectations, bits of cultural history, a need to always push to the limit... and a lot of hair. 😅
I think that's a pretty decent update/ramble. As always, I didn't cover everything. But this is what I had on my mind, so it's all you get for now.
In just over a week I'll turn 24. It's also Memorial Day weekend, then, so Zeb and I are hosting a campout and cookout with friends. I'm really looking forward to it. 😊 And I'm looking forward to whatever else the summer may have to offer. Prayers that it involves a good harvest, without fire or injury. ❤️
I think that's it for now. Maybe I'll post about the campout, later.
Thanks for reading!
~Dolly