Resolute

This month has been pretty great for me so far. New Year's didn't do anything for me, I think my brain is now wired to think on a monthly basis, not a yearly one. So instead of raving about how 2019 is off to a great start, I will simply say that so far, January seems to be going well.

I meant to spend time at the end of December reflecting over 2018, and figuring out who I want to be in 2019. But I am always late, so it didn't happen until maybe a week ago. I made a pretty little page in my bullet journal, got out a trusty mechanical pencil, and started writing. First I started with my reflections on the key points of the past year, as they stood out to me.

I think 2018 was a year of painful growth.

I started understanding grace more.

I stopped beating myself up as much. 

I prioritized relationships and reached out to people. 

I asked for help. 

I took better care of my body and mind. 

I didn't force others to suffer with me. 

I made myself be a bit braver. 

I didn't take things as personally. 

I prioritized healthier eating. 

I started being more mindful in my struggles and circumstances. 

I learned to stand up for myself a bit more.

I think 2018 was a year of unexpectedly significant achievements.

I called the suicide hotline.

I didn't die.

I started volunteering at an animal shelter.

I learned to manage money

I survived multiple codependent-attempting relationships at once.

My inter-family relationships improved! ( I'm treating others in a more healthy way.)

I want 2018 to be a year of newfound maturity.

I want to broaden my horizons mentally and physically.

I want to make choices, not regrets. (I really like this one!)

I want to be wrong sometimes. To be ok being fallible.

I want to remember that God is in charge.

I will trust Him to be good, more.

I want to spend less time 'on-screen'.

I want to spend my time intentionally and wisely.

I want to cultivate more good relationships.

I want to be more consistent.


And those are my thoughts on 2018/19. I realize that there are a lot of words for someone who "doesn't care" about New Year's this past month. but I don't think this is about New Year's, so much as it is about me just taking stock and looking ahead.

That's all I have.

Oh! My singular resolution is to keep things realistic. I'm tired of setting goals for myself, that aren't achievable, and then getting burned out or discouraged. So, I'ma try to avoid doing that this year. And for the rest of my life as well.

I guess that's why New Year's doesn't seem that important to me. Setting temporary goals doesn't make that much sense. I would much rather set goals to grow, that will change how I live going forward. I want lifelong changes, that will help me be healthier and live more of what I believe.

That's all I've got!

~Dolly.

Investments

About a week ago I spent the weekend with some friends up in Washington. I haven't visited them for at least a year. Being with them made me realize that they've influenced me. In a somewhat small, but also really impactful way.

They believe in healthy eating. And they will spend extra money to eat what they consider to be good food.

It's an investment in health.

When I first visited my friends over a year ago, I had just barely moved out. I hadn't figured anything out yet. I was eating most meals with my family, whenever I could, and eating frozen burritos the rest of the time.

But seeing their lifestyle really impressed me. And now I spend quite a bit of my income on food. I have come to realize that if I don't have food that is easy to prepare and makes me feel good, I don't eat. Period. Eating is just kind of difficult for me. So I put in the effort ahead of time, to make sure that I can keep my body fueled and ready to be used. Otherwise I have no energy and feel sick.

That's how my cooking adventures started. They have grown from there. Now, I not only buy fancy, expensive food that I like to eat, I try to buy at least one interesting new thing a month. And I buy ice cream once a month.

I love sourdough bread, real sourdough, not sour dough flavored. In the big round loaves with lots of crust. I love flavored goat and cream cheeses, because they add a quick punch of flavor to whatever sandwich or pasta or anything that I add them to. I love trying different vinaigrettes and dried fruits on my salads. I like fancy juices that come in unusual flavors, because they help me get enough fruits in my diet, and keep me hydrated. I'm really bad at drinking water.

I really like good food. It's an investment in my health, and also my life. Food gives me energy and a chance to experiment and be creative.

It's worth the time and money.

I've been trying to learn to take this mindset into other areas of my life.

For instance, I spend time working on making my journal functional and enjoyable to look at. If it is ugly or overwhelming or badly laid out, I won't use it. And then I won't be able to keep track of how I am doing in life.

Over this past year, I've been learning a lot more about investing in relationships. If I don't prioritize spending time with other people, the thoughts in my brain become overwhelming and I get lost. I don't like losing myself. So, I've worked to build on the relationships I have, and branch out into making new ones. I try to reconnect with cousins and neighbors I haven't seen for a while. I let go of hurts that don't really matter. and I invite people over even when my house is a mess.

It takes a lot of energy. But the payoff of a genuine friendship is well worth it. It's an investment in my mental and emotional/relational health. It's an investment in community.

There are some areas of my life that still need an application of investment mindset.

I have a lot of trouble making myself do things that will make me feel better later, but that require work now.

It's hard to wash dishes when I can watch YouTube and no one will call me out. But a pile of dishes will give me anxiety, and it will start to smell bad, and then I will have to scrub slimy, stinky gunk out of my pans.

It's hard to fold laundry when I could just leave it in the hamper and dig through it later. Or to put dirty things in a hamper when I can just throw them on the floor.

I could go on about how much I dislike doing chores.

But, because I'm a Christian, I have to make everything spiritual. Just kidding.

But honestly, I really wish I could remember to invest more in my relationship with God. I tend to not feel good enough, so I avoid him for a while. Or I'm tired, so I don't really prioritize hanging out with him. And then I wonder why I have zero motivation and don't know what to do in life.

I find that when I hang out with God even when I'm not feeling good, he might not show me too many new things, but I still find encouragement. Like, I was reading in Ezra or Nehemiah the other day, and the way they prayed was similar to how I pray sometimes, and I felt validated.

That's not a huge spiritual insight, but it's nice to know. I can't brag about it, or feel like I'm smarter or wiser than everybody else, but I feel good knowing that the way I approach God is ok.

The problem is, I can't pre-arrange my relationship with God. I can pre-plan meals when I know I'm going to be tired, or buy freezer foods for when I'm depressed. But I can't stock up on prayer or Bible reading, and coast through it on the bad times.

Bummer.

Now, I think I've stalled long enough. I have work tomorrow. Not actual work, volunteer work. But I still have to leave tomorrow morning.

So, it is time for me to go hang out with God and then sleep.

Even though I don't particularly feel like it.

It's an investment in my spiritual health. In my future. And in my overall well-being.

Goodnight.

~Dolly