Rhythms and Rituals

If you're coming from my last post:

This is not a post about my birthday/Memorial Day weekend campout! 

It was a very mixed weekend, and I wasn't confident that I could write about it without risking anyone feeling like they contributed to some of the more difficult aspects. So I avoided the whole topic entirely, rather than risk making anyone feel bad. The TL:DR of the weekend is that I was very tired and stressed and I really love my friends and relatives and I'm grateful they came and spent time with me.

But this blog post is not about the campout, it's about finding the patterns that make life less overwhelming to face.

The older I get, the more I realize the importance of ritual. The patterns that start out with such intention, and then become so integral to daily life that they settle into rhythms that feel like coming home.

In some ways, I thrive in mild... adversity(?) I don't consider these things as difficulties, but other people might.

For instance, I didn't have running water for part of my time in Eastern Oregon. So first thing every morning, I would take a jug out to the water spigot so I could have water to wash my hands and brush my teeth and all the other little things one does to start their day. It was so lovely to have something to do as soon as I woke up each morning. And as it became a habit, I added to it. I started talking to Ike the old horse. And then I bought a bag of carrots so I could give him a snack each morning. 

Now I have running water, but I don't trust old RV pipes to be clean and respectable. At first I would just boil water in a kettle all the time, but that's not as fun in the summer heat. So now I am back to hauling water, but it's not as effective since I don't have to do it first thing, especially if I have a bit of water leftover from the previous day. So I've had to find new ways to add bits of loose structure to my morning.

For the past 6+ months, I have been horrendously bullied into drinking water. I spent the first 23~ years of my life being somewhat chronically dehydrated. And then I obtained a boyfriend, and he joined my best friend in pressuring me to hydrate. 

It has been effective. Technically this is a good thing, but I also don't like the idea of them thinking they're winning.

All my little hydration woes aside, I now drink some water first thing in the morning, and take my anxiety med. And then I let Bailey outside and feed the small group of cats that I've accidentally collected. Bailey and I come back in, I feed her, and then I make a smoothie or frappuccino or something for myself.

I have other little rituals to my day as well. Every morning I wash dishes so I can make lunch for myself and Zeb. He works at my "Uncle" Paul's warehouse, which is smack-dab in the middle of my family's farm, so it's very convenient to have lunches together. Or if Zeb's very busy I'll just drop off his lunchbox at the warehouse's office. So lunch is another little ritualistic event in my day. I put a lot of care and time and intention into it.

Afternoons tend to be when things™ happen. Meeting a friend, volunteering, housework, etc. Often I take a bit of time to rest, as well. And then as evening comes I wash lunch dishes so I can make supper. Sometimes I make supper for Zeb, too, but not every day. 

As twilight falls I often sit in my hammock for a bit. Sometimes I start a small campfire. I let Bailey out and feed the kitties again at 9:30, and call Izakaya in for bed. Both my indoor girlies get treats, and then I make Bailey's dinner, take meds, and get ready for bed. I'm usually settled in around 10.

Reading through this, it probably sounds like my whole day is scheduled out. But honestly, it's just a few moments morning and evening, and cooking meals in between. The rest of my time is very open, and I really need that flexibility. But I also need structure. I think that's an ADHD thing? 

I've found that I need structure mostly in the mornings and evenings; it does wonders for my sleep schedule. If I try to tackle my sleep schedule issues directly, it all becomes an impossible chore, and the feeling of pressure heightens my anxiety, which further prevents me from sleeping well. But if I have a set of rituals to get ready for bed, and they're triggered at a certain time, then I am reliably getting to bed at roughly the same time every night. And if I have an approachable but specific task to do when I get up in the mornings, I am much more likely to actually get out of bed.

A week or two ago, my kitchen sink plugged up and my whole life fell to shambles.

The sink was plugged for a good few days at least, and it ruined everything. Trying to wash dishes in a tiny RV bathtub is... not particularly feasible. Especially with very low water pressure and zero space to put one's legs or feet.

My bathtub of dishes

In addition to the difficulty of washing dishes in the bathtub, I had to choose to either wash dishes or take a shower, at any given time. And I can only do my less-enjoyed chores/tasks on spur-of-the-moment whims or bursts of energy. So having an obstacle, such as a large knife in my bathtub, causes problems.

The whole thing was such an issue that I started exclusively making sandwiches and things that required minimal dishes. I made entire meals where the only thing I got dirty was a singular knife. 

So now my dishes routine was off, I didn't want to take showers, and I wasn't really cooking.

Misery. 

My mornings and evenings were in chaos, the in-betweens soon followed, and I felt very off-kilter and restricted. The problem was, I couldn't quite tell why in the world this one little thing was throwing me off so much. So I have to wash dishes in the bathtub and my back hurts a bit: what's the big deal?

But I wash dishes because I enjoy washing dishes. And having back pain removed that enjoyment, and therefore my motivation. 

But even still, if it was just dishes, I don't think it would have been such a problem. But because it also threw off a few other patterns, I completely fell out of rhythm.

I didn't realize all of this until a few days ago when my sink got fixed and I was so very excited to get to wash dishes! Oh the joy of chores!! And the rest of my life very quickly followed suit and lined itself back up into its proper order.

Day-to-day life isn't the only useful place to hold ritual and build rhythms. Zeb and I have been dating for 6 months now, and one of my favorite things about our relationship is that we build these things together. 

We are very happy with the state of things.

On a daily level I get to make his lunches. But there are other things.

On Sundays we go to church and then get groceries. And maybe take a nap. 

In addition, every month we do:

1 Double Date

1 Date Night/Day

1 Open Hack Night at the Eugene MakerSpace 

1 "Talking Day"

Talking Day comes from my cousin Daisi; she told me how she does it with her boyfriend, and Zeb and I adopted the idea. It's a time to finish any/all conversations that have come up throughout the month and just didn't quite happen. Whether it's a topic that we want to talk about but haven't gotten to yet, or a question I have that isn't time-sensitive so I just forgot about it, or a conversation we started and then couldn't finish for whatever reason. I write these things down as I think of them, and then when Talking Day comes I get out my reference list. 

Having these bits of intention built into our relationship has made it so much more fulfilling to me. It's still very flexible, but there's just enough of a guideline there to make sure that we keep a pattern of reinforcing the relationship we're building between us.

A date can be whatever we want it to be. Going for a hike, making a special recipe for a dinner, exploring somewhere new, or just setting aside specific time to focus on each other. It doesn't matter what the date is, it just matters that we have one.

I think that's what all these rituals come down to. Whether in general life or in my relationship, rituals only work when they're specifically about living out my values.

I value feeding others, so washing dishes and cooking is fulfilling.

I value life, so caring for my animals is rewarding.

I value small pleasures, so making myself a smoothie or frappuccino makes me feel very cared-for.

I value the energy it takes to be present and do what matters to me, so my bedtime and sleep routine is comforting.

I value my ability to think clearly and react well to the world, so taking my meds feels purposeful.

I value my relationship with Zeb, so doing things for him and spending time with him is really enriching.

I think I'll start doing evening campfires again soon, which will be uplifting because I so strongly value community.

All this to say, I think this issue of fulfilling values is why building up rituals is so much more doable to me than trying to force a new habit to rise from nothing. Habits take so much work! Whereas rituals just give my values a framework to express themselves. So building a ritual, while it holds intention, doesn't feel like work at all. It feels like the intentionality of taking a second to hold and smell a warm cup of coffee before you drink it on a cold morning. On the other hand, trying to create a habit feels like trying to raise a skyscraper from plain dirt via telekinesis or the force. It might be possible for some fictional person somewhere, but it's not particularly doable for me.

All this to say: I'm glad to have my kitchen sink back. 

And I really look forward to a lifetime of finding new rituals as my natural rhythms change with time and circumstances, or as my values soften and deepen as I grow.

I don't usually ask for feedback, but I would really love to know what y'all think. Are you able to build habits? How do you do that???? 

Or, on the other hand: 

Does building habits feel daunting to you? What about finding rituals? Do you see these two concepts as distinct from each other?

I'm just so curious about what works for other people! Or, if nothing has really worked for you so far, does this approach sound appealing? 

I value a sense of wonder and curiosity, and I express that by asking a lot of questions. 😁 So I hope someone will have mercy on my curious little mind and answer some of them.

Either way, I hope you find a way to live that suits you just right, and that you find as much joy and comfort in it as possible. Good luck to each of us on our own journeys.

-Dolly