Grieving Me

I've been ridiculously tired lately.  The kind of tired and that makes me stay in bed all day, and still sleep through the night. The kind of tired that means my apartment is a wreck, and my dishes haven't been washed for at least a week.

It's humiliating.

I've been so ashamed of myself. I have no job, my apartment is a mess, and I still haven't finished my GED test. I feel like a failure.

But honestly, I've felt like a failure for a long time. It mostly started in high school, when due to a combination of hard subjects, bad materials, and clueless teachers, I ended up dropping out of some classes.

 Through all of that, I still held on to my dream. I'd love to be a counselor in Eugene, listening to people's stories, getting to know them, and maybe even being able to help some people.

But if High School was hard, life afterwards has been much more difficult. Every time someone asks me what I'm up to, all I can respond with is, "I live in an apartment on our property, with a chihuahua." And every time I wither a bit inside.

My friends are going to college, making friends, getting jobs... and I sit and pile up dirty dishes.

Humiliating.

Discouraging.

Shameful.

I am, every day, defeated.

A friend and I are working on starting a cupcake business that does events. Perfect for me, since I can usually focus on something for a couple of days, even when I'm low.

And that excites me, I guess. Planning is fun.

But I've been completely drained since we started actually planning and brainstorming. It's ridiculous, I mean, I finally have a reason to maybe not call myself a failure. If we can pull it off, I mean.

But mom and I were talking today, and she brought up a good point.

I'm grieving.

Grieving for my future, for my self that feels destroyed.

For the dreams, and even plans that should be so feasible, but are so completely impossible.

For a life I thought I could have, but probably never will.

It stings.

I'm grieving.

Shame helps nothing.

Right now I'm waiting it out, and getting ready for a new future. A future that's hopefully feasible.

Asking God for a reason, a destiny to follow.

Thanks for taking the time and energy to read. I don't have answers today, but they will come. I hope!

~Dolly