Grieving Me

I've been ridiculously tired lately.  The kind of tired and that makes me stay in bed all day, and still sleep through the night. The kind of tired that means my apartment is a wreck, and my dishes haven't been washed for at least a week.

It's humiliating.

I've been so ashamed of myself. I have no job, my apartment is a mess, and I still haven't finished my GED test. I feel like a failure.

But honestly, I've felt like a failure for a long time. It mostly started in high school, when due to a combination of hard subjects, bad materials, and clueless teachers, I ended up dropping out of some classes.

 Through all of that, I still held on to my dream. I'd love to be a counselor in Eugene, listening to people's stories, getting to know them, and maybe even being able to help some people.

But if High School was hard, life afterwards has been much more difficult. Every time someone asks me what I'm up to, all I can respond with is, "I live in an apartment on our property, with a chihuahua." And every time I wither a bit inside.

My friends are going to college, making friends, getting jobs... and I sit and pile up dirty dishes.

Humiliating.

Discouraging.

Shameful.

I am, every day, defeated.

A friend and I are working on starting a cupcake business that does events. Perfect for me, since I can usually focus on something for a couple of days, even when I'm low.

And that excites me, I guess. Planning is fun.

But I've been completely drained since we started actually planning and brainstorming. It's ridiculous, I mean, I finally have a reason to maybe not call myself a failure. If we can pull it off, I mean.

But mom and I were talking today, and she brought up a good point.

I'm grieving.

Grieving for my future, for my self that feels destroyed.

For the dreams, and even plans that should be so feasible, but are so completely impossible.

For a life I thought I could have, but probably never will.

It stings.

I'm grieving.

Shame helps nothing.

Right now I'm waiting it out, and getting ready for a new future. A future that's hopefully feasible.

Asking God for a reason, a destiny to follow.

Thanks for taking the time and energy to read. I don't have answers today, but they will come. I hope!

~Dolly

Hopeless Dreams

Before you assume by the title that this is a negative post and skim past, STOP! :) It has a happy ending!

Okay, now that that's outta the way, I can get started.

This is an annoyingly rough season of life for me. I, like pretty much every other teenager, at least on the interwebs, am reaching toward adulthood while still clinging to childhood. It feels like hanging in air, holding tight to the future and the past, both of which are moving in different directions. Something's gotta give. And I'm afraid that it'll end up being me.

Add to that my uncertainty about my own emotional stability. I wanna reach toward the future, I really do, but what if I make plans, or actually move out or get a job or something and then depression or anxiety hits and I have no one to be there with me and I can't fulfill my own expectations/obligations which will increase anxiety and I fail a class or get fired? I'm just not yet mature enough to handle adulthood, even though I'm old enough to really, really wanna be in that part of life.

I just realized, as I was typing, that I've been afraid. See? Ya'll are walking my journeys with me!

Anyway.

I just got back from a youth retreat (What up, MyWillamette!) that was focused on fear, and running to Jesus instead of just running period or trying to power through alone.

The last night at campfire, Scott stopped playing guitar/singing "Break Every Chain" (which I slightly hate. Still. Read on.) and said that he felt like God had something to say to someone, he didn't know who. Basically, maybe someone was being chained by something and they just needed reassurance that God can break every chain that binds us. There is power in Jesus' name.

I don't know if that was meant for me, but God spoke to me anyway, and gave me this idea of broken hope. See, I'd been feeling so bound by circumstances, namely depression, that I'd completely given up. I'd entirely forgotten about the part where Jesus says to keep asking, keep bugging God about our problems until they're somehow resolved. I felt like God didn't wanna heal me, didn't care that I was hurting. And I listened to those lying feelings and believed them.

But.

He's showing me (Yes, I'm still learning this. That was just the start of the process.) that those were lies. He can heal me, and He wants to! Maybe my depression won't just go away, but God can heal my heart from this sense of betrayal and trust lost. He can heal my hope. That's the phrase that's been running through my head, and I love it because it's true.

Life's still hard and painful. But I have a God that is in my circumstances with me, but also outside them, and He has power over them! Talk about perspective!

Now comes the hard part of living like this is true. Just because I know something, doesn't mean I can put it into practice right away. I'm most definitely a fallible human bean! But there's still hope, because God's started showing me this truth, and I trust Him to finish this work He's begun in my life. (The Bible, somewhere. Phillipins 1:6- I found it!)

I guess, this was a really long way to say: "Thank You, Lord, for hope. I obviously can't make it through this life without it."


Thanks for reading!

~Dolly