Who've Sinned Toward Us

 ". . . And forgive our sins as we forgive those who have sinned toward us."

 I have a lot of sins. Like defeatism. And apathy. Maybe a little self-righteousness. Sometimes I'm judgemental. Sometimes I don't stand up for truth. Oh, and sometimes I'm really, really ungrateful.

But those don't even compare to what other people have done to me and to the people I love.

Churches that hurt my family deeply. People who completely betrayed my trust and threw it in my face. Even that girl in middle school who tried to push me around. And the kid at my old youth group who made fun of me.

People who've betrayed me, lied to me, hurt me.

Sometimes I catch myself hoping that they'll suffer too.

Except. . .

I was forgiven. I was forgiven for giving in to my circumstances. I've been forgiven for letting things be when I really needed to grow. I was forgiven for lying to myself that I'm better than anybody else, and for thinking of other people as unworthy of my attention or God's love. Forgiven both for judging people and for being a coward about their opinions. Forgiven for my insane ingratitude- something so blown out of proportion that I actually thought that life wasn't a privilege from God, but a curse to be ended.

I am a sinner!

So are they.

People who lied, people who divided, people who backstabbed and betrayed. People who refuse to change, people who want to cause others pain.

Sinners.

They deserve to be punished! They deserve to be hurt, to suffer!

I was hurt. I suffered.

Sometimes I still do. Like right now, going over it all again.

I need to forgive to be forgiven. But it hurts! Like poking at a raw wound.

Forgiveness is messy.

When I was talking to my cousin Daisi about this, she had a thought. And then I had a thought. And our combined thoughts added up to this:

When someone sins against me, they owe me a debt for that hurt. The problem is, some people don't change, and that debt will never be paid off. But God is a debt-taker. He is willing to give me the healing that I need - to pay that debt and then some. The debt doesn't go away without repentance. Instead, God now holds the receipt. A purposely sinful, hurtful person still owes a debt. All that happens to them is that the person they owe just got a lot more intimidating.

What happens to me is that I find healing. Slowly, but it's still there.

Justice will still be served. If the person repents, God will forgive the debt. But if the person doesn't admit they messed up, doesn't want to change anything, then God can deal with them. It's not my problem.

The hard part of forgiving is handing over the receipt, letting the other person not owe you. But honestly, it's a lead receipt. I know. It's really, really, reeeaaaalllllyyy heavy. I have a right to carry it. But i also have the privilege not to.

God's strong enough to carry it for me.

So I forgive them. Again.

~Dolly