I've been more creative lately, which is nice. If I'm not sketching, I'm planning room designs, or scrapbooking with Shutterfly, or coming up with new tea blends or coffee creations. Or, in this case, I'm writing. I feel more productive when I can express my creativity like this: doing positive things that help me feel more fulfilled.
It's interesting how all these productive feelings are coming to be, because this is one of the hardest summers I've been through- only second or third to the summer after the crash that killed my grandparents. That summer was the first time I actually contemplated suicide as a distinct, and possibly positive, course of action. This summer is not nearly as bad in that regard.
But I have been feeling incredibly useless in some of the things that matter to me a lot.
Working.
Helping my family.
Investing in relationships.
Taking care of myself.
I've been so anxious most of the time that it hasn't been a great idea for me to work long hours alone. Which is exactly what farm work requires.
My first few years combining were so fulfilling- I was contributing to my family's livelihood- I had worked really hard to get to the point of being able to run equipment. In fact, I tested this combine before my family bought it, because they wanted to get something I could operate. And that is how we acquired a John Deer 9600 Combine that I named "Frank" my first year. Whether my dad liked it or not. 😉
And then, a couple years ago there was a car crash and my grandparents died. My whole family had to work a lot longer and harder that next harvest, because we were two people short. And I was dangerously suicidal and unable to contribute. My mom filled in for me, which meant that she was a full-time farm worker, a full-time mom, and she was feeding, and washing clothes for, and cleaning up after all of us, the rest of the crew. That was the most devastating summer I have ever lived through.
No summer since has been the same.
So, here I am, feeling sorry for myself.
A week or two ago, something shifted. I had been increasingly lashing out at my family and distancing myself from the world in general. Strange how you only see things coming once they've arrived. I had yelled at my brother, and after retreating back into my apartment to cry about it, I realized how much I'd been reverting over the summer.
The past year or two has been crazy transformative for me. I'm almost a different person from the crazy, hurting, verbally-abusive teenager I was a few years ago. And there I was, acting fourteen again.
I apologized that evening. And that night, I prayed. The next morning, I prayed.
Lord, I have been having all these crazy emotions, and I've been dragging other people into my suffering. It's not ok. Please help me to not do that today.
And things started getting a little better. I'm still an emotional wreck, but I'm not a black hole anymore. Do you know that feeling? When your internal suffering is so dense it feels like it's dragging the rest of the world in with you? I hate myself when I'm a black hole. Not that that's a good thing, it's just true.
My life isn't all better. I'm not combining today. Instead, I'm writing a blog post and crying. Not exactly feeling like a success at the moment. But I am feeling successful.
I've been reaching out to people, reconnecting. I had my neighbor over for coffee yesterday. I went to lunch with a friend on Sunday. I had my best friend over at ten at night last week for ice cream. (She works late.) I've been making frappuccinos and other (coffee!) drinks for our harvest crew. My latest creation is an adaptation of a Pinterest idea: Iced cold brew with lightly salted cream and homemade caramel. It's gorgeous and delicious. Seriously. Amazing. I brew the cold myself. 😁
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| Not the best picture. It tastes MUCH better than this looks. |
I've been teaching my pig to use his ramp and swimming pool.
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| This is Cornelius. He is a KuneKune, which is a mini breed from New Zealand. He is bad at using ramps. |
I've started eating something besides microwaved corn dogs.
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| Mushrooms, egg, sausage(?), and avocado on a croissant; sprinkled with salt, pepper, and parmesan. |
Tomorrow I go back to my counselor/therapist.
Life is getting better. Harvest will be over this week, and I will have made it through another one, by the grace of God and the power that coffee has to bring people back together.
Whatever you're dealing with, I'm sorry. If your loved ones are hurting, I'm sorry. If you're hurting, I'm sorry. If you just don't know what to do with yourself right now, I'm sorry. Honestly. I don't say things I don't mean. And I mean this: You can do this. You can survive this. Life doesn't magically fix itself, but the good thing about it is that, no mater what, "This too, shall pass."
That's all I've got. I hope it makes sense and maybe helps a little.
~Dolly
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