My Story

I haven't posted anything for a while. I've had some ideas for posts and things bouncing around in my head, but could never quite flesh them out. Sorry for the hiatus. I don't know if it's ending, but it is having a break right now. Because obviously, there's a post up. You're reading it at this moment.

I don't think this is one of my normal posts. Usually I write about my reflections, or what is currently happening in my life. But today I want to tell you my story. I think it's important. Not that I have a particularly special story, but that it's important for everyone to share their story with at least someone. Even the Bible says that the way God's people have victory over Satan is because of Jesus' blood, and because they tell their stories.

so... Hi! My name is Dolly. I was born in 1999 in Wilsonville Oregon, to my parents.

They are both Christians, and I grew up in a pretty loving, caring environment. One of the things that I was always taught was the idea of sympathy, and/or empathy. So, when I started going to school, I was always friends with the kids who didn't have friends. Usually they didn't have friends because they were weird. But, I couldn't stand the thought of them feeling lonely, so I would hang out with them. I just hated to see anyone around me suffering.

As I started getting a bit older, and life got more complicated, I started becoming more aware of my own personal conflicts and hurts, and started hating my own suffering more than anything.

I think a lot of this was because I always put pressure on myself to perform. I wanted people to approve of me, I felt like I had to make sure I was holding everything together, and not causing any one extra stress or trouble.

when I was around 13, my natural tendencies to be high-strung, started spiraling into a very intense anxiety and depression. I didn't understand what was going on, and I felt extremely helpless and frustrated. I started developing this attitude that if God was going to leave me to deal with this, I didn't want anything to do with Him, either.

This led to a very brief but toxic period of atheism. I was feeling even more pressure to handle everything by myself, and I couldn't. I was emotionally out of control, showering hurt towards myself and towards other people.

One night I went downstairs to talk to my parents, when I should have been sleeping. This was one of my favorite activities. As I was talking, I finally just gave up. Not in the sense of giving up and not trying, but I just finally acknowledge the fact that whatever was going on, I couldn't handle it. It was just too much. And from my upbringing, I knew that Jesus can handle anything. He kind of already did, by taking all of our problems and hurt, and the way we hurt others, and dying under that weight. And it still couldn't hold him down, and he came back to life, and he is alive now.

So, I finally handed everything over to God.

Not much changed, in a way. I have never been a thriver. But I am a survivor. I think because of that, I can tend to believe that I am worthless, and useless. I'm not accomplishing anything meaningful: I'm just barely getting by. But according to God, that's not true. Everyday is the new chance, and I believe that if I am here, it's because God has a plan. So, I have a job to do. And that's really an important part of what I believe.

I think the most important part of my belief system, to me, though, is the idea of Heaven. I just can't wait to go home. To finally be in a place where I fully belong, and I am finally able to recognize that I am loved. Dealing with depression and anxiety, that is a very hard thing for me to acknowledge and believe down here. I just can't really feel/believe it.

I'm just really looking forward to finally being free from all the hurt and sickness that keeps holding me down.

Most of the time, my life is absolutely bleak and miserable. I hate it. A lot.

But what keeps me going is this; The idea that I do have a purpose, and especially The idea that I have a home. Not here, but a place where things will get better, and they will be that way forever.

So, that's pretty much who I am, and how I got here, and what's important to me.

I don't think I'm sharing this to accomplish anything, but here it is. I hope it makes sense. And doesn't sound too spiritual or something.

~Dolly