Here

I posted this on my art Instagram. And then I wanted to write a little bit. So I posted on my personal account. And now I'm posting here because I want to.

I have started taking some medicine that's really been helping my brain. Like, I can feel that it's finally getting something that it needs to function. As a result, I can function. In the 2-3 weeks since I've started, I have had probably at least 4 mostly happy days. It's a record!

I've been bored. BORED. Not exhausted, BORED! It's such a good feeling to be like, "I'm bored. What if I go for a walk or wash dishes?" Instead of, "I'm bored and tired and my stomach hurts from anxiety and I feel like a worthless person because depression makes me too tired to move, and anxiety is too overwhelmed to even let me decide what to wear today."

So yesterday, when I found my favorite coffee shop extremely crowded, and my best friend had never been there before, and it was loud and overwhelming and stranger-children were standing 2 feet away and staring at my arms... and I still felt ok, and I was fully enjoying my coffee and the company of a friend and reading the dust cover on a book I found... I had to capture the moment.

"I'm pretty much just glad to be here."

Hi.

I haven't posted anything in a very long time. I have written a few things, but either I didn't know how to finish them, or they came off with too strong of an agenda, or they just didn't seem worth posting.

So, here's another shot. Hopefully you guys actually end up seeing it. I'm going to try to just tell you where I'm currently at in life, and what God's been up to with me, and I'm gonna try to not push any particular point or narrative.

I'm not sure where to start.

I don't even know when I last posted.

I guess I'll just start with a broad overview.

I have been living on my own for over two years now, almost three, I think. The last two years especially have been very difficult. I don't know if anyone remembers my post from a few years ago about grieving myself and the dreams that I had to give up, but that general idea has been a very steady theme for the past two years or so, especially.

I've been really discouraged.

For about two years straight, I slowly kept losing all the things that I thought defined me.

I failed at school. I couldn't motivate myself. I lost a lot of friendships. I lost multiple communities, in a way. I couldn't work, not even really just for summer harvest. My creativity kept diminishing. I lost hope in life, and trust in God.

The end of this past May, I turned 20. And in the back of my head, a phrase kept repeating. "You're not a teenager anymore. You need to be an adult now, and you can't handle it."

I started getting panic attacks. I was driving during the first one. I felt the surge of anxiety and tried to calm down, but then I had compulsions to drive into the ditch, or a telephone pole. Alarmed, I called my mom on hands-free. My limbs started going numb.

I thought I was dying of a heart attack.

I turned around and sat in a McDonald's parking lot until someone could pick me up.

It was a scary experience.

Afterwards my body was completely drained, like I had just run up a mountain without any food or water. I was honestly just glad to be safe, and glad for a family that was available to help me.

I kept getting panic attacks without knowing why. I would lie on my couch, immobile, while spasms of tension and numbness ran through my body.

Eventually I realized that all this tension was from the pressure I was putting on myself about my age. The attacks subsided, but I still wasn't doing well.

I decided it was time to reconnect with God. I had been avoiding Him off and on for the past couple years. I didn't really know how to pray, so I set my phone to record my conversations with God. It was a tangible way to remind myself that Someone is listening when I pray, and it really helped me not just stop talking, or get distracted, in the middle of praying.

I also started walking in the middle of the night, admiring the stars and recording myself talking to God.

I told Him how disappointed and fed up I was with my life. I told Him I didn't see things improving. Probably not ever, but definitely not anytime soon. I told Him I was done reading my Bible, and done doing all the good Christian things that I tried to force myself into, out of guilt. I was tired of guilt. I was tired of trying so hard and just being beat down. Repeatedly.

I said every raw, honest, anti-religious, hurt, 'blasphemous' thing that was on my mind.

And I was shocked when I would come talk to God every night, knowing something I hadn't known or believed before. He was speaking to me and teaching me, and I had no idea how.

I thought I was being rebellious, and God was instead honoring me for my honesty.

Hanging out with God in the middle of the night became my retreat. I would dress up and go talk with Him. And I felt peace, for the first time in a long time. A sort of unhurried happiness, without the desperation that I'm used to whenever I try to hang onto a good mood. There was no time limit to this new kind of happiness. It wasn't transient, or so fragile that I had to handle it carefully.

And then one night, I pulled a chair out into my yard, sat down, and asked God what kind of relationship we're supposed to have. How do I relate to the All-Powerful Infinite? I tried fear for about 20 years, and it was futile. How else do people approach God?

"What kind of relationship are we supposed to have?" I asked.

"We're friends."

A whole bunch of implications flooded me as He kept explaining.

He wants to spend time with me. And when I miss my devotions, it's less like angering the God of the Universe, and more like missing coffee with a friend. The constant fear of being abandoned for messing up- it's not really valid.

"Ok," I told God, "but I won't be able to put this information into practice right now."

His response relieved me of even more pressure.

"It's ok. You can just have the information for now, so that when you need it, you already know that it's true."

I've been trying to be more open and casual with God ever since. Sometimes we still don't really talk. But, I'm not scared to talk to Him anymore, and I'm (usually) not actually trying to avoid Him.

A couple other things have changed. I still don't really read my Bible right now, but I don't feel pressure about it. I also told God that sometimes when I'm not doing well, I don't talk to anybody. And He might be included in that. I'm also trying to not put so much pressure on myself about how I'm representing God to others. I trust Him to guide me, and I'm trying to be open and listen to Him. I guess mostly I've just been realizing more and more that I can let God be responsible for my life, and I can just settle in to whatever He's already doing. I don't wanna miss it.

Beyond all that, I may be having the opportunity very soon to get some medical stuff figured out. Last time I tried meds, it pushed me over some very scary edges. But it's been almost three years since then, I think. I'm willing to give it another shot. I'm tired of sort of subsisting, and resenting it the whole way through. But I'm also a little nervous, because meds might not help, and I might be back to square one of trying different things for years with no results. Or, I might be pushed over the edge again, and end up in a really scary or traumatizing situation again. It took me this long to recover from last time, at least enough to try again.

I'm trying not to get my hopes up, but I also slightly feel like my entire life and future depends on getting some help for my mental issues.

I also feel like the past couple years, God has been slowly taking away all the things that I thought were me. He's been slowly and painfully stripping it all back to the bare bones of my true self. And this past summer has given me some hope that maybe now is the time when He's starting to build me back up again, into the plan He has for me.

It would be nice if all this suffering could calm down for a while.

If that's not the plan, I really hope I have the resiliency not to lose my self or my faith in the process.

God, help me. I love You either way, but I'm so tired, and I want to learn what You have planned for me. I don't have many of my own plans left. The only idea I do have, I'm trying to fully give to You. Please don't take anything more from me. I don't think there's anything left except what I'm already trying to give up to You.

I'm trying not to be too optimistic, but I really hope now can be a time of growth. I want to be done growing away from the external, wrong things and ideas I had, and be able to start growing into whatever You have for me to do. I want a purpose to fulfill, but one that's Yours, not mine.

No matter what's coming next, please help me. I am so tired of distancing myself from you; I'm tired of that whole cycle. Thank You for changing my mind. Please keep teaching me.

Amen.

~Dolly

Resolute

This month has been pretty great for me so far. New Year's didn't do anything for me, I think my brain is now wired to think on a monthly basis, not a yearly one. So instead of raving about how 2019 is off to a great start, I will simply say that so far, January seems to be going well.

I meant to spend time at the end of December reflecting over 2018, and figuring out who I want to be in 2019. But I am always late, so it didn't happen until maybe a week ago. I made a pretty little page in my bullet journal, got out a trusty mechanical pencil, and started writing. First I started with my reflections on the key points of the past year, as they stood out to me.

I think 2018 was a year of painful growth.

I started understanding grace more.

I stopped beating myself up as much. 

I prioritized relationships and reached out to people. 

I asked for help. 

I took better care of my body and mind. 

I didn't force others to suffer with me. 

I made myself be a bit braver. 

I didn't take things as personally. 

I prioritized healthier eating. 

I started being more mindful in my struggles and circumstances. 

I learned to stand up for myself a bit more.

I think 2018 was a year of unexpectedly significant achievements.

I called the suicide hotline.

I didn't die.

I started volunteering at an animal shelter.

I learned to manage money

I survived multiple codependent-attempting relationships at once.

My inter-family relationships improved! ( I'm treating others in a more healthy way.)

I want 2018 to be a year of newfound maturity.

I want to broaden my horizons mentally and physically.

I want to make choices, not regrets. (I really like this one!)

I want to be wrong sometimes. To be ok being fallible.

I want to remember that God is in charge.

I will trust Him to be good, more.

I want to spend less time 'on-screen'.

I want to spend my time intentionally and wisely.

I want to cultivate more good relationships.

I want to be more consistent.


And those are my thoughts on 2018/19. I realize that there are a lot of words for someone who "doesn't care" about New Year's this past month. but I don't think this is about New Year's, so much as it is about me just taking stock and looking ahead.

That's all I have.

Oh! My singular resolution is to keep things realistic. I'm tired of setting goals for myself, that aren't achievable, and then getting burned out or discouraged. So, I'ma try to avoid doing that this year. And for the rest of my life as well.

I guess that's why New Year's doesn't seem that important to me. Setting temporary goals doesn't make that much sense. I would much rather set goals to grow, that will change how I live going forward. I want lifelong changes, that will help me be healthier and live more of what I believe.

That's all I've got!

~Dolly.

Investments

About a week ago I spent the weekend with some friends up in Washington. I haven't visited them for at least a year. Being with them made me realize that they've influenced me. In a somewhat small, but also really impactful way.

They believe in healthy eating. And they will spend extra money to eat what they consider to be good food.

It's an investment in health.

When I first visited my friends over a year ago, I had just barely moved out. I hadn't figured anything out yet. I was eating most meals with my family, whenever I could, and eating frozen burritos the rest of the time.

But seeing their lifestyle really impressed me. And now I spend quite a bit of my income on food. I have come to realize that if I don't have food that is easy to prepare and makes me feel good, I don't eat. Period. Eating is just kind of difficult for me. So I put in the effort ahead of time, to make sure that I can keep my body fueled and ready to be used. Otherwise I have no energy and feel sick.

That's how my cooking adventures started. They have grown from there. Now, I not only buy fancy, expensive food that I like to eat, I try to buy at least one interesting new thing a month. And I buy ice cream once a month.

I love sourdough bread, real sourdough, not sour dough flavored. In the big round loaves with lots of crust. I love flavored goat and cream cheeses, because they add a quick punch of flavor to whatever sandwich or pasta or anything that I add them to. I love trying different vinaigrettes and dried fruits on my salads. I like fancy juices that come in unusual flavors, because they help me get enough fruits in my diet, and keep me hydrated. I'm really bad at drinking water.

I really like good food. It's an investment in my health, and also my life. Food gives me energy and a chance to experiment and be creative.

It's worth the time and money.

I've been trying to learn to take this mindset into other areas of my life.

For instance, I spend time working on making my journal functional and enjoyable to look at. If it is ugly or overwhelming or badly laid out, I won't use it. And then I won't be able to keep track of how I am doing in life.

Over this past year, I've been learning a lot more about investing in relationships. If I don't prioritize spending time with other people, the thoughts in my brain become overwhelming and I get lost. I don't like losing myself. So, I've worked to build on the relationships I have, and branch out into making new ones. I try to reconnect with cousins and neighbors I haven't seen for a while. I let go of hurts that don't really matter. and I invite people over even when my house is a mess.

It takes a lot of energy. But the payoff of a genuine friendship is well worth it. It's an investment in my mental and emotional/relational health. It's an investment in community.

There are some areas of my life that still need an application of investment mindset.

I have a lot of trouble making myself do things that will make me feel better later, but that require work now.

It's hard to wash dishes when I can watch YouTube and no one will call me out. But a pile of dishes will give me anxiety, and it will start to smell bad, and then I will have to scrub slimy, stinky gunk out of my pans.

It's hard to fold laundry when I could just leave it in the hamper and dig through it later. Or to put dirty things in a hamper when I can just throw them on the floor.

I could go on about how much I dislike doing chores.

But, because I'm a Christian, I have to make everything spiritual. Just kidding.

But honestly, I really wish I could remember to invest more in my relationship with God. I tend to not feel good enough, so I avoid him for a while. Or I'm tired, so I don't really prioritize hanging out with him. And then I wonder why I have zero motivation and don't know what to do in life.

I find that when I hang out with God even when I'm not feeling good, he might not show me too many new things, but I still find encouragement. Like, I was reading in Ezra or Nehemiah the other day, and the way they prayed was similar to how I pray sometimes, and I felt validated.

That's not a huge spiritual insight, but it's nice to know. I can't brag about it, or feel like I'm smarter or wiser than everybody else, but I feel good knowing that the way I approach God is ok.

The problem is, I can't pre-arrange my relationship with God. I can pre-plan meals when I know I'm going to be tired, or buy freezer foods for when I'm depressed. But I can't stock up on prayer or Bible reading, and coast through it on the bad times.

Bummer.

Now, I think I've stalled long enough. I have work tomorrow. Not actual work, volunteer work. But I still have to leave tomorrow morning.

So, it is time for me to go hang out with God and then sleep.

Even though I don't particularly feel like it.

It's an investment in my spiritual health. In my future. And in my overall well-being.

Goodnight.

~Dolly