Hi.

I haven't posted anything in a very long time. I have written a few things, but either I didn't know how to finish them, or they came off with too strong of an agenda, or they just didn't seem worth posting.

So, here's another shot. Hopefully you guys actually end up seeing it. I'm going to try to just tell you where I'm currently at in life, and what God's been up to with me, and I'm gonna try to not push any particular point or narrative.

I'm not sure where to start.

I don't even know when I last posted.

I guess I'll just start with a broad overview.

I have been living on my own for over two years now, almost three, I think. The last two years especially have been very difficult. I don't know if anyone remembers my post from a few years ago about grieving myself and the dreams that I had to give up, but that general idea has been a very steady theme for the past two years or so, especially.

I've been really discouraged.

For about two years straight, I slowly kept losing all the things that I thought defined me.

I failed at school. I couldn't motivate myself. I lost a lot of friendships. I lost multiple communities, in a way. I couldn't work, not even really just for summer harvest. My creativity kept diminishing. I lost hope in life, and trust in God.

The end of this past May, I turned 20. And in the back of my head, a phrase kept repeating. "You're not a teenager anymore. You need to be an adult now, and you can't handle it."

I started getting panic attacks. I was driving during the first one. I felt the surge of anxiety and tried to calm down, but then I had compulsions to drive into the ditch, or a telephone pole. Alarmed, I called my mom on hands-free. My limbs started going numb.

I thought I was dying of a heart attack.

I turned around and sat in a McDonald's parking lot until someone could pick me up.

It was a scary experience.

Afterwards my body was completely drained, like I had just run up a mountain without any food or water. I was honestly just glad to be safe, and glad for a family that was available to help me.

I kept getting panic attacks without knowing why. I would lie on my couch, immobile, while spasms of tension and numbness ran through my body.

Eventually I realized that all this tension was from the pressure I was putting on myself about my age. The attacks subsided, but I still wasn't doing well.

I decided it was time to reconnect with God. I had been avoiding Him off and on for the past couple years. I didn't really know how to pray, so I set my phone to record my conversations with God. It was a tangible way to remind myself that Someone is listening when I pray, and it really helped me not just stop talking, or get distracted, in the middle of praying.

I also started walking in the middle of the night, admiring the stars and recording myself talking to God.

I told Him how disappointed and fed up I was with my life. I told Him I didn't see things improving. Probably not ever, but definitely not anytime soon. I told Him I was done reading my Bible, and done doing all the good Christian things that I tried to force myself into, out of guilt. I was tired of guilt. I was tired of trying so hard and just being beat down. Repeatedly.

I said every raw, honest, anti-religious, hurt, 'blasphemous' thing that was on my mind.

And I was shocked when I would come talk to God every night, knowing something I hadn't known or believed before. He was speaking to me and teaching me, and I had no idea how.

I thought I was being rebellious, and God was instead honoring me for my honesty.

Hanging out with God in the middle of the night became my retreat. I would dress up and go talk with Him. And I felt peace, for the first time in a long time. A sort of unhurried happiness, without the desperation that I'm used to whenever I try to hang onto a good mood. There was no time limit to this new kind of happiness. It wasn't transient, or so fragile that I had to handle it carefully.

And then one night, I pulled a chair out into my yard, sat down, and asked God what kind of relationship we're supposed to have. How do I relate to the All-Powerful Infinite? I tried fear for about 20 years, and it was futile. How else do people approach God?

"What kind of relationship are we supposed to have?" I asked.

"We're friends."

A whole bunch of implications flooded me as He kept explaining.

He wants to spend time with me. And when I miss my devotions, it's less like angering the God of the Universe, and more like missing coffee with a friend. The constant fear of being abandoned for messing up- it's not really valid.

"Ok," I told God, "but I won't be able to put this information into practice right now."

His response relieved me of even more pressure.

"It's ok. You can just have the information for now, so that when you need it, you already know that it's true."

I've been trying to be more open and casual with God ever since. Sometimes we still don't really talk. But, I'm not scared to talk to Him anymore, and I'm (usually) not actually trying to avoid Him.

A couple other things have changed. I still don't really read my Bible right now, but I don't feel pressure about it. I also told God that sometimes when I'm not doing well, I don't talk to anybody. And He might be included in that. I'm also trying to not put so much pressure on myself about how I'm representing God to others. I trust Him to guide me, and I'm trying to be open and listen to Him. I guess mostly I've just been realizing more and more that I can let God be responsible for my life, and I can just settle in to whatever He's already doing. I don't wanna miss it.

Beyond all that, I may be having the opportunity very soon to get some medical stuff figured out. Last time I tried meds, it pushed me over some very scary edges. But it's been almost three years since then, I think. I'm willing to give it another shot. I'm tired of sort of subsisting, and resenting it the whole way through. But I'm also a little nervous, because meds might not help, and I might be back to square one of trying different things for years with no results. Or, I might be pushed over the edge again, and end up in a really scary or traumatizing situation again. It took me this long to recover from last time, at least enough to try again.

I'm trying not to get my hopes up, but I also slightly feel like my entire life and future depends on getting some help for my mental issues.

I also feel like the past couple years, God has been slowly taking away all the things that I thought were me. He's been slowly and painfully stripping it all back to the bare bones of my true self. And this past summer has given me some hope that maybe now is the time when He's starting to build me back up again, into the plan He has for me.

It would be nice if all this suffering could calm down for a while.

If that's not the plan, I really hope I have the resiliency not to lose my self or my faith in the process.

God, help me. I love You either way, but I'm so tired, and I want to learn what You have planned for me. I don't have many of my own plans left. The only idea I do have, I'm trying to fully give to You. Please don't take anything more from me. I don't think there's anything left except what I'm already trying to give up to You.

I'm trying not to be too optimistic, but I really hope now can be a time of growth. I want to be done growing away from the external, wrong things and ideas I had, and be able to start growing into whatever You have for me to do. I want a purpose to fulfill, but one that's Yours, not mine.

No matter what's coming next, please help me. I am so tired of distancing myself from you; I'm tired of that whole cycle. Thank You for changing my mind. Please keep teaching me.

Amen.

~Dolly