The First Year

 A little over two weeks ago, Zeb and I celebrated our first anniversary.

We went to the zoo to see baby elephant Tula-Tu for our anniversary. I wore my elephant pants. 😁

It's weird to me how long we've known each other. This is my first time going through this process- falling in love, committing to someone, creating a home together... so on one hand it's hard to believe we've known each other long enough to do these things. We've only really known each other for a few years, so how in the world have we gotten this far already?? On the other hand, we've been through so many changes that it seems like we met a lifetime ago. I think it's like anything that changes our lives or shapes our identity in a new way. 

It feels like it happened yesterday and also forever ago.

One piece of very sage advice I got from a dear friend (thank you Pastor Brenda!) when Zeb and I first got married, was this:

"Don't start anything new in your first year."

Boy, did we not follow that one.

We both got involved in helping a new Celebrate Recovery group off the ground. I think they started meeting maybe a week or two before we got married? That's involved leadership roles, problem-solving and crisis management, and healthy discussions and feedback. We've joined a completely new community, which is amazing and also takes a bit of work. 

Speaking of work, Zeb does that. This past year he stepped up into a more managerial role, in an industry he had never worked in until he got this job two years ago. It's a good fit for his interests and skills, but there's a lot of learning and unpredictability and problems. Equipment breaks down, people get sick, trucks come early or run late... and Zeb has to adapt and problem-solve and figure it out. And I have to figure out how to be a supportive partner: When do I deliver a meal versus remind him that he needs to take a break from the warehouse? When do I listen to him talk through his day, as opposed to helping him solve a problem?

Both of these areas of our lives take a lot of mental energy and flexibility. I've learned a lot about stepping out in confidence when I'm not sure what I'm doing, exactly. And I'm learning to also step back sometimes, and not try to keep everyone and everything from potentially falling apart.

We also haven't really slowed down socially. We don't live in a place that lets me just host campfires every summer weekend , like I used to do at the farm. But in some ways that means I've just put more energy into maintaining my relationships, and building new ones. Zeb's an introvert and our apartment isn't that big, so we don't host big groups, really. But almost every week I'll have someone over, or we'll go do something with friends, or I'll go visit someone... 

Somehow in the middle of all of that, we've had to set up a home, and a marriage that's supposed to last a lifetime. That's a really big task to fit into the occasional Tuesday evening.

A week or two ago Zeb suggested, "Let's do our first year, this year."

A genius idea, but how in the world do we even start to do that? We're looking at areas that we can pare down on, but it's difficult. Everything feels so important. 

One thing that does seem clear is that God isn't asking us to be as involved with CR this coming year. The group is much more established, and other members of the group can see gaps to fill, that I previously felt alone in noticing. My goal was always to set up the music aspect with some functional infrastructure, and then reevaluate after a year. I think that's been accomplished enough that I can let go a bit, but that's so hard! I naturally want to organize things and hold everything together, and it's really difficult to let go of the combination of controlling tendencies and worrying "what-if?" thoughts.

Like I said earlier, I'm learning to step back, and let things be what they will be. Key word there being learning. Maybe it would be more accurate to say, "I need to learn to step back." Throughout this past year I've had so many opportunities to practice letting go, and every time, Hannah needs to try to drive the point home: "You don't have to do it all," and every time I need that consistent reminder. Without her, I don't know if I would even really recognize how often I want to get in over my head with logistics and planning and communicating and....

This is another opportunity to practice and learn, and I don't like it. letting go is a skill I need, and want, to learn. Good luck to me, I guess.

If any of you have found yourselves in a position to slow life down a bit, I have a question:

How did you approach that?

I think it's a somewhat common refrain that life gets too full and we need to slow down. But I haven't seen a lot of people who feel an ability to actually change the overwhelming pace of their life. So, if you do have a sense of agency over the pace of your life, I would love some insight into your approach or thought process, or any concrete steps you've taken.

I miss baking random fancy things, and hiking to waterfalls, and going for impromptu drives to just smell the clover fields or see the valley from Washburn Heights lookout. And driving to see friends that live a few hours away! Hopefully this year I'll be able to do more of those things. They nourish my soul and help me establish a sense of identity that isn't just connected to productivity. I need that.

It'll be hard though. I might go back to freezing up a bit when people ask what I do. I'll have to untangle my sense of identity from that sense of productivity, and I think it'll be hard to avoid the trap of feeling helpless, or like a failure. But growing pains are usually worth it in the end, so I'll do my best. And I'll have to keep praying, "God, this (ministry, person I love, my own life, etc.) is Yours. Help me not try to hold onto it myself."

~Dolly