Is Marriage Work?

 I had a thought yesterday, and I'm not sure I can communicate it well. But I can at least try!

I grew up hearing the phrase, "Marriage is work," all the time. It was very common advice given to couples about to embark on that adventure together, but I think it was also just seen as information worthy of passing down to younger generations. About a year and a half ago, as I was getting ready to become a married person, that phrase and sentiment came up again- this time paired with, "...but it's worth it."

And like... these ideas aren't wrong. But I didn't quite know what to do with them at the time. What kind of work is it? What's the payoff? (It was a bit easier to come up with potential answers to that second question, such as "Spending life with your favorite person! Having support when life is difficult," etc.)

Recently I saw something on Pinterest that stood out to me. The general gist was, "When people are about to be parents and they're scared, I tell them that they already have experience dealing with some of the harder aspects. They've experienced a sleepless night before. They've been stressed or worried before. They can imagine those parts of the experience, but the parts they can't yet imagine are the sweet moments."

The quote has a decent point, although it's limited. And I think a similar approach could work for marriage as well. (Or long-term living with a partner in general, probably.)

Marriage is work the same way any close relationship is work.

I kinda wish someone had told me, "Yes, marriage is work, but you've done that work before. You've learned to think of other people's needs and cared enough to learn their preferences. You've disagreed with people and walked away from that conversation loving them as much as before. You've worried about friends when they didn't text back and you didn't know where they were. You've worked through triggers and trauma so you can be there for others. You know what that's like because you've done it before, and that's the kind of work that makes a marriage."

At the same time, I didn't expect some of the intensity that a new cohabiting-partner-situation can entail. And hearing someone tell me the things in that last paragraph would not have helped. Just as pulling the occasional all-nighter for college or with friends is very different than staying up to calm a fussy baby every night, friendships are different than marriage. The work isn't that different, but it's constant. And that's a lot to adjust to. I cook meals for more than one person every day now, not just when I'm having a friend over. I know more about Zeb's thoughts and experiences than I know about almost anyone else's, even though he's not a super talkative person. I care about his input more than I've cared about anyone else's input for a long time. And I see my own flaws so much more, because I'm aware that there is another person experiencing them. I can't fully withdraw from our relationship when I'm exhausted or unstable or just going through it, because... he lives here.

I wish I had someone tell me both sides of it going in: the reassurance that I have already built a lot of the skills to have healthy relationships, and the heads-up that it'll still be difficult to adjust to a new level of intimacy and intensity with another person. I think the mix of awareness and reassurance would've helped me build some confidence, so I would be more prepared.

A lot of the adjustment has been about how I see myself. All the relational triggers that I thought were worked through have come back up in this past year. Some of the strengths I really identified with have turned out to be less consistent than I expected. In some ways, Zeb has actually been the least of the adjustments, because I think what I've actually been experiencing is largely growing pains. I want so badly to somehow get things right- make the perfect meals, keep a perfectly clean home, smoothly maintain all my relationships, and be a perfect partner who selflessly helps and supports my person. That's a lot of pressure.

As I've settled in more, and gotten a bit more acclimated, I think the point I'm coming to is this: I have the relational skills, the support and resources, and the drive to grow- to help me be good partner. And I don't have to run everything smoothly, all at once, constantly. I won't get it "right" because there isn't a clear "right" and "wrong" here, aside from trying to hurt Zeb or giving up on him.

I think that's what I wish someone had told me a year and a half ago, and I think letting go of "getting it right" is a huge growth point (and therefore pain point, in some ways) that I've been working on in this past just-over-a-year.

I'm glad I'm learning. And putting the work in.

And of course, there are the good things that I couldn't have prepared for or imagined. The things that I actually wasn't at all aware of beforehand. Like in the original quote, this section of this post will probably be shorter than the first part. 

I've talked about my own personal growth and the lessons that I'm learning- I was not prepared for that. But I also didn't know how much I would be able to see Zeb changing as a person. Being around him every day, I'm constantly aware of how he's changing- convictions that grow, rough edges that soften, new ideas that he's pondering... I love watching his brain work.

The thing I've been most surprised by, is being this in love. 

I've heard from couples that say they never got past the honeymoon phase, but sometimes that seems more like they just avoided settling into that stereotypical barely-even-tolerance born of familiarity. But I talked to my friend Sarah Beth awhile ago, and we connected over the shared experience of having crushes on our husbands. I know a "crush" sounds a bit juvenile, but I'm not sure how else to describe this. He's the most handsome person I've ever seen. Little gestures of affection make me giddy. (He likes me!! He likes me back!) I get so excited to tell him about my day and my thoughts and ideas and what I want to do tomorrow... (The poor guy does get quiet time once in awhile, I promise.) I want to know what he thinks of my outfit, or my new haircut. I want to spend time with him because I think he's a really cool person. In my eyes, no one rivals him. I giggle and I get butterflies in my stomach. And according to Sarah Beth, who has been married much longer than I have, the crush might not go away.

I know this is all pretty intense. My feelings often are. But I really expected them  to be much more settled by now, and they're not. The other day, Zeb said that if he matched my energy/enthusiasm, he would collapse from exhaustion in 3 days.

I think I can love and like him so enthusiastically because of trust. I don't think Zeb could do anything to make me not love him. Obviously he could, in theory, do things that would damage our relationship irreparably. So could I. But he won't, because that would betray his character. I married a really good person, and he keeps getting better. It's not a blind trust, but it is a strong one.

Song of Songs 5:16 "...He is altogether lovely. This is my beloved and this is my friend."

I'm glad to have such a good friend as my partner.

~Dolly