Why I Wonder

 

My sweet little nativity that was a gift from childhood.❤ 

I've been thinking lately about the wonder of Christmas. 

Life has been difficult lately. In October and November we lost a few people, and one dog. All those losses were pretty difficult, but I think the most difficult one has been my cousin Steven. I keep thinking about how he's thriving right now, and all of us who love him just don't get to see that. 

It hurts every time. 

In addition, my hormones have been weird. Probably because of stress and grief, I know that. But I'm still having a hard time, and knowing there's a reason doesn't make it easier. 

In the middle of all that, I still find myself saying, "Thank you," and, "I love you," and, "I know You are good," in my prayers. And I find myself marveling, maybe even more than most years, at Christmas. 

For so many years, I couldn't be vulnerable with God. It's a huge struggle for me still-- I find it much easier to confide in my trusted people.

But God has been vulnerable with us.

Many times I've heard the verse that Jesus "was tempted in every way, as we are..." as a sign of Jesus' empathy. And humility. Or something. 

But I keep thinking about Jesus' vulnerability. God didn't just come down as an adult who could kinda handle his own. 

He came as someone we could hurt. Kill, even. 

I don't like to bring my struggles to the surface in front of anyone, because it's painful. And the other person could hurt me while I'm in a fragile, squishy state.

Babies are squishy and fragile. That's how He came to a world that causes pain, and people that hurt each other.

And He knew! 

When I know someone can or will hurt me, I step back. I can even become fearful with people that have no ill intent. People that love me and care for me so well. 

I step back from God, too. I become uncertain, fearful, and guarded because it feels like an unknown. 

He came to a world that could hurt and kill Him. 

And we did.

In a way, I can't believe it. But deep down, I can't believe anything else. Right now, I don't care if Jesus was tempted; He never sinned. But I care about His vulnerability and His pain. That's what Christmas is to me. 

The wonder of Christmas to me, is simply awe of radical, extreme vulnerability. Genuine weakness. He had to trust that His parents would care for Him and feed Him and keep Him safe. He couldn't do any of that for Himself yet. 

I can't think of any purpose in this approach, besides proving this point: "I am not a distant deity. I understand feeling small and weak and helpless. I understand relying on others."

Right now, I keep feeling small, vulnerable, and broken. 

Jesus was small and vulnerable, and in the end He was broken. 

I love Him 

He is a safe place for me to take my pain and fear and anxiety and joy and exhaustion and excitement and instability and everything else. 

I love Him. He is wonderful, and I can't help but marvel. 

The goal of Christianity is to become like Jesus. 

May I become honest, vulnerable when I need to be. May I remain soft and open, let me not become isolated and focused on self-protection. May I love people even when they hurt me.

May I trust the God who is vulnerable to me, who lets me hurt Him. And who loves me anyway. 

I can't understand how it's true. It's wonderful. 

I want to be like Jesus. 

~Dolly

P.S. Not to ruin the vibe, but I didn't know what to name this post. So if you have any better ideas, please help me out, hahaha!