Resolution?

 Hi!

I started this blog post in my head while I was washing dishes just a bit ago, so we'll see if I can hold onto those wispy thoughts long enough to solidify them here. At the moment I'm sitting upstairs in our office/guest room/Izzy's room, with a cup of English Breakfast that has a pump of raspberry syrup in it. The desk is clean except for a couple neat piles of Zeb's DnD stuff. Hopefully my brain can stay similarly organized.

I was thinking about New Year's and resolutions and fresh starts and all the things that a blogger would normally ponder at this time of year. Mostly I was recognizing how little I care about all of that this year. In years past it was all such a big deal to me. I would bullet journal, and set goals, and stay up 'til midnight praying and dreaming for better days ahead. And I would put it all in very spiritual or (attempted ) eloquent terms, but the truth behind the words was sometimes desperation. Or longing. Or whatever it was, it was almost always a bit bittersweet.

This year at the stroke of midnight, I rolled over in bed and kissed Zeb while the neighbors rang cowbells and set off fireworks outside. We shared a laugh and settled in to sleep.

Neither spiritual nor elegant. But also not desperate with longing for better things.

I haven't set any goals for this fresh new year. And I kept wondering why I don't really care, until I was washing dishes this morning.

I don't want anything new. I want more of the same.

2024 has been full of dinners with friends, creating a home, washing dishes and folding comfy clothes. I've learned more about myself, become less codependent and less just... normal dependent, and started to believe that I'm not a burden to everyone. Even if I can only believe it in small doses for now. 

I've made friends and connected with neighbors. I've seen people around me pursue their dreams and goals with tenacity and tender hearts. I'm so proud of all their accomplishments.

Zeb and I have both grown, and so has our relationship. It's so cool when I can say, "I'm gonna give you some space," before he needs to ask, or he knows which prescription to pick up for me before I tell him. It's become our instinct to fill in the gaps for each other when one of us isn't at our best. I love that about our relationship.

My panics have been steadily less frequent and less intense. My ability to listen when other people reassure me has grown. 

I've learned a lot about being both a team player and a leader in my role with Celebrate Recovery. Being a coordinator puts me squarely in that cross-section of telling people what to do and keeping things organized, and making sure I'm listening to everyone and leaving plenty of room for individual abilities, styles, and ideas. I've learned to consider my own limits when I feel a need to step up, and I've had a lot of help with trying to navigate that.

I've drunk more water.

Oh! I've done creative stuff and learned some new hobbies this past year! Zeb got me started playing Stardew Valley with him and that's been really fun. If we get another cat or little dog someday, we might name it Junimo. I've also crocheted, painted, sewed, embroidered, mended, sculpted just a little, scrapbooked, baked new things, made fun lattes and such, and probably a bunch of other projects I can't remember now.

And I've learned so many things! I'm so lucky to have people in my life who have diverse passions, knowledge, and skillsets; and who love to answer questions! And I've opened my mind to more of who God might be! There's so much to explore with that, from apologetics to deconstruction to spiritual experiences that don't fit cleanly into religious categories. 

There's so much more. People who gave me love and support and guidance and advice. Adventures we've had with friends. Animals I got to pet (yes that's important enough to make it on the list.)

...

I don't know what 2025 will hold. In the midst of national and global unsettledness, I want to hold onto these good things.

My relationships with family, friends, and the wonderful people who blur the lines between the two categories. I want to keep getting to know our neighbors and their pets, too. That's been really fun this year. My favorite little guy is a corgi mix (I think) who always comes to the screen door to see if I'm available to give him pets. His name is Dancy.

I want to cherish Zeb, Bailey, Izzy, and our home. I've learned so much about being a good partner and creating a life with another person, and oh, I love our life so much. I want to treasure it and nurture it, and I'm not always great at that and I want to keep learning more. I want to keep making new foods and returning to comforting classics. I want to kiss fuzzy little heads and whisper, I love you's.

Curiosity, creativity, and questions are so important to me, and I want to have plenty of room for them in my life; both my questions and others'. I want to tackle new, fulfilling projects.

I want to continue learning to stabilize myself when I feel off-kilter. I want to feed the bits of confidence and self-value that are starting to grow.

I want to keep growing and learning who I am. So many bits and pieces of my identity have sort of fallen into place and nestled themselves into my soul this past year. It's cool to just watch that happen, unforced and free.

That's basically it. I'm not longing for better days.

I just want more days like these. The good days are already here. Not all days are good, but the bad days are less overwhelming and less frequent than in years past.

And I will absolutely take that. And run, in case something tries to take the good days away again, lol

Thanks for reading. I hope 2025 is compassionate to all of us.

~Dolly

Remembering

Tangible memories mean a lot to me  Or maybe I just want remnants of a moment, or a person, or a place. I'm not only referring to physical objects. As an example, every year Hannah and I make a shared Google album of our adventures and experiences together. Even when I don't actually order photo prints or a photo book, I really appreciate having the opportunity to scroll down memory lane sometimes.

I just. . .

I forget so easily.

I still have a notebook somewhere that I never want to get rid of. It's mostly empty, but on just a few pages there are memories I wrote down of my grandparents. I did that soon after they died, because I didn't want to lose them again later. It's not just a fear that their faces would get fuzzy over time, or that I would get some details wrong. . . . If I don't practice remembering something, it disappears completely.

Usually that's not a huge deal. I text Zeb the things I need to keep track of, and then scroll back through the conversation to view my notes. I put almost everything in my phone calendar. I set alarms on my phone to call the pharmacy for a prescription refill 7 minutes after they open. (5 minutes just feels too conspicuous.) I text Hannah sometimes when I have specific meal plans so I don't get to lunch or supper time and panic. I put everyone's birthdays in my phone as soon as I find out what the day is.

Etc.

Not everything quite works that way, though.

There isn't a good way to really schedule grief. Or joy. So I try to surround myself with opportunities to feel those things.

Almost an entire wall of our living room is covered in pictures. Me and Zeb. Moments with friends. A piece of artwork our friend Maggie made for one of my birthdays. A few engagement pictures. Wedding pictures, along with pieces from our wedding outfits, and our vows from the wedding ceremony. Opportunities for joy. I might soon add a new picture to the wall, to remember someone very specific.

Ms. Joanie was very special. If you go to my past few blog posts, you'll see some very sweet comments, full of praise and encouragement, and signed, "love, Joanie." At church every week she would write down the name of each person who walked through the door, because she wanted to remember these things. She sent out birthday cards to people, and at Christmas time she would bring a whole box of cards and envelopes to church, to make sure no one was forgotten. It's easier to make sure you're remembering everybody when they're right in front of you! 

Ms. Joanie loved people. 

Especially Zeb.

Sure, she may have called him "Jeb" for a year or two... but she viewed him as a surrogate son. I know she loved me too; I would sit and chat with her on many Sunday mornings before the church service started. But I also remember her very distinctly informing me that Zeb was her favorite. She never forgot how he helped her with her purse and maybe cane, before her husband Mr. Gary started coming to church. Zeb does not remember any of this, I think because none of it was significant to him. It's just how he is, and Ms. Joanie loved him for it.

As I told her on a few occasions, I agree with her that he's pretty great. We even had a joke that his good looks came from her side.

This past Mother's Day, we had the sudden thought to get something for Zeb's self-appointed church mom. Of course, this idea came to us on the way to church. 😅

I dropped Zeb off to start setting up tech, and drove across JC looking for the perfect bouquet.

Ms. Joanie asked for a picture together, and as we dispersed afterwards, she pulled me into a hug and whispered through tears, "This means more than you know."

A month-and-a-half later, she was scheduled to have a surgery that would hopefully help eliminate some of the extreme pain that she constantly lived with. She responded to my texts for a week or two after the procedure, and then just stopped. She wasn't at church, either. I tried not to worry, knowing that recovery is long and difficult sometimes, but something felt wrong.

I didn't know she was sick.

Two Sundays ago was Zeb's non-tech-volunteering week, so we went to a little church that's within walking distance of our apartment. That afternoon I got a call from our pastor.

"You guys weren't here this morning, and I thought you would want to hear it directly from me and not through the grapevine. . ."

"Joanie passed away yesterday. . ."

"I'm so sorry. . ."

I cried, hung up, and relayed the message to Zeb. The rest of that day was rough, and it's not the only hard day I've had as I've continued to process the news. It just comes up again sometimes. Sometimes with a harsh bit of shock, and other times with a quiet heaviness or some tears. Sometimes it mingles with other bits of fear and loss. My grandparents. Family members with current life-threatening or terminal conditions.

Death hurts. And that's just life.

The day we got that phone call from our pastor, I sent Ms. Joanie a final text.

Hi, I'm sorry I never checked in again. 

I love you so much, and I've been missing you. I guess I'll have to keep missing you a little while longer, but I'm so glad you're feeling better now. Thank you for always being ready to chat, for the sweet messages you've sent me, and for the love that you always showed for me and especially for Zeb.

We love you too, and we'll see you soon enough, when it's our turns.

-Dolly

I'm so glad we had that Mother's Day, and so grateful to Ms. Joanie's stepdaughter Leslie, for tracking down the picture for me. It's such a precious thing, to know that we meant something to Ms. Joanie: She meant something to us as well. That's what I most want to hang onto.

I think this picture will be the next one on our wall.

Thanks for reading.

~Dolly

Newly-Wedded Life

 Yesterday I told Zeb I felt more like a wife before we got married than now. He understood before I even had a chance to explain.

Just a few very short and also somehow extremely long weeks ago, we had a routine. I had my little schedule and I would make meals for us, and it all made me feel like a little homemaker. But now we're in the process of actually building a home kinda from scratch, and I don't feel quite so peaceful about it, hahaha. I told Auntie Dorcas the other day that organizing was easy when I lived in the trailer. Plates go in the singular kitchen cupboard because that's the only place to put them, etc. Now things are a bit different. Between me and Zeb I think we have 4 full dish sets, and that's not counting mugs and teacups and my grandma's cut glass ice cream bowls that I inherited. We also have roughly a dozen cupboards and half a dozen drawers and a small pantry, and now I don't know where to put anything. 

Except silverware. I'm becoming slightly convinced that every kitchen has a specific drawer that is naturally meant to hold silverware, even if there are plenty of what appear to be equally valid options. There's only one drawer that really wants to hold silverware, and it will tell you which one it is.

Unfortunately our silverware organizer doesn't fit perfectly in the true silverware drawer, so we have to use a secondary choice and hope that the true silverware drawer will forgive us. Or rearrange all the kitchen drawers until things are in their proper places. Jury is still out on which option we'll pursue at this time. 

I feel like the thing people actually want to know about is the in-between point. 

I used to be not-married but I felt like a homemaker. 

Now I'm married and my home is somewhat just chaos.

Now, what could have happened in between? Maybe... this?

Yes, we did indeed get married.

It was a two-day affair, for multiple reasons. One reason was the date itself. Zeb's birthday is March 26, and mine is May 26, so we got married on April 26, right in the middle. 😁 April 26 just so happened to be a Friday, which can be a lot less doable for people to come to. So we decided to have a small ceremony on Friday the 26th, and a bigger reception the next day. 

Another reason for our approach, and a much more significant one, was the vibes. Or, maybe more accurately, our values and priorities. We wanted to prioritize the commitment of our vows, and we also wanted our friends and family to have a really fun time that wasn't entirely focused on us. We wanted to be participants more than a spectacle. 

So we had a really small ceremony, with just a few family and close friends... although now that I think about it, there was only one attendee who wasn't related to either one of us. 😅 There wasn't a ton of ceremony, either. No sermon, just a few words from our pastor before we washed each other's feet and said our vows. 

I think my favorite part of the ceremony was the time for other people to say prayers or other nice things for us/to us. Either that or dinner, haha. Zeb and I had been up late-ish the night before prepping soup in the instant pot. Day-of, we just added water and turned on the heat while we were getting ready! We also brought rolls, butter, and Caesar salad kits. I was so worried about not having enough food, but there were plenty of leftovers. It was really nice to just have, essentially, a chill family dinner. There were jokes and silly conversations, and it was exactly the right thing to help counteract any wedding jitters. It's also a good thing the ceremony was so chill, because we had a busy day! 

In the morning we went to our reception venue and helped set up and decorate. It turned out so beautifully, and I'm really grateful for everyone who came and helped, especially those who had just been traveling the day before! After setup Zeb and I went to our Halsey apartment to let my little sibling J in, took Zeb's cousin Alex over to my great uncle and aunt Rich and Arlene's place where he would be spending the night, and then went to the ceremony venue and did setup there. 😅

After the ceremony and dinner, we went back to our apartment and chilled with J and my cousin Daisi, who spent the night there. Thankfully we have a guest room and a really comfy couch!! A few people expressed... I'm going to go with surprise and mildly amused indignation that we were hosting people on our wedding night. But as I said before, one of our priorities was to be participants in the events of the weekend, and not just the spectacle at the center of everyone's attention. 

Saturday morning was an adventure! 

J's car had popped a tire the night before, so that needed to be resolved. Between 3 people and 4 vehicles we had enough jacks and wrenches and whatever else to get things figured out. I did my makeup while Zeb helped Daisi and J get ready to go to Les Schwab for new tires, and swap them out for the old ones. I had just finished letting Hannah know that we would be late to the reception, when Zeb came in and announced with a very fatherly pride, "I think they've got it."

So off we went, leaving J's car on a jack, and Daisi and J heading to Les Schwab in Daisi's car.

We were late to the reception, but that was fine since there weren't a lot of people there yet. We went for a more open-house, family reunion vibe for things. It was a good chance to admire all the decorations that we'd helped set up the day before.

 

I got together with some of my friends ahead of time, and we painted all the little mushrooms that were on the tables! 😊

While Zeb and I greeted people at the door and hung out with our bouncer Kallin and his wife Danielle, our guests got to talk and play games and sign the guestbook, etc. We had Dutch Blitz and cornhole and temporary tattoos and mad libs about the proposal, and most importantly... Twister! 

Helping my little cousin get a tattoo.

I've been determined, for months, to play Twister in my wedding dress, and I finally had the opportunity... for maybe two minutes, hahaha. I was the first one out. By contrast, Zeb's nieces and our friend Grace are basically undefeatable in Twister, I'm pretty sure.

Lunch was graciously provided by basically everyone, hahaha. My dad provided all the proteins, which was amazing. Hannah baked a bunch of cupcakes. Aunt Bonnie made our perfect little wedding cake. And the sides were all provided by many of our guests, via potluck. Our heartfelt thanks to all of y'all!

After all the food we had a mini ceremony. We planned to play a video of Zeb proposing, and everything was all hooked up but for some reason there was no audio! Zeb's great at tech stuff, but he was busy searching his phone for the vows he was about to say, since the paper had been left at home. 

The lights were off, everyone was waiting...

Zeb's sister Bri was our fabulous MC, and she suggested we basically narrate the proposal video. Obviously Zeb could not participate since he was trying to find a picture of his vows on his phone. I decided to try to save the day for everyone by narrating the vows so people weren't all just watching a still of the video, and hopefully that would also buy Zeb enough time. The video played, I gave my perspective (emphasizing that I jokingly said "no" at first), and Zeb found his vows just in time! 

In all the scuffle we forgot to put my wedding veil on, and we also forgot that our pastor Ranee was supposed to basically MC the mini ceremony portion. 

We just got up there and said our vows and realized afterwards. 😅 So we had Ranee pray with us at that point, and then pastor Ruba, who did our premarital counseling. 

I think the next part was my favorite: toasts and open mic. Shout-out to Zeb's cousin Jonah, who was in charge of the mute button in case of a really long or somehow offensive speech. Luckily he didn't need to exercise his power, hahaha!

My best friend Hannah, and Zeb's cousin Alex, both gave pre-planned toasts, and then anyone else was welcome to come say whatever they felt like saying. Thankfully people felt like saying nice things. 😁 I took videos of all of these said nice things, and I watch them back sometimes. I think the most consistent themes through all of them are: Zeb is a strong person of faith, and I talk a lot. 

Next was a photo hour, where we just posed with anyone who wanted to take pictures with us! Our photographer did a great job at getting everyone to look in the right direction at the right time, which is not easy with big groups and/or small children. (Shout-out to Lois Sophia!!) It was also a great way for us to chat for a bit with people. 

At this point the crowd had thinned quite a bit, and there were exactly the right amount of people left for the hymn sing. It's always so nice to return to the music I grew up with: acapella in 4-part harmony. Those who weren't as interested in the singing started on teardown, which was really nice of them. Once all our voices were tired (mostly the sopranos after a particularly high descant on the chorus of the last song) it was time for a sendoff! Zeb and I ran through a cloud of bubbles, which Bailey was not sure about, as everyone cheered and waved. 

The whole two days were both so good. Not perfect by any means, but so good. We felt loved and celebrated, and I hope everyone else felt appreciated and included as well. 

If you would like to see pictures, please join our wedding Google album and look through what everyone else saw! Or add pictures of your own. Seeing what everyone else got to experience brings me a lot of joy. 😊 I also added the videos of our vows from the reception and all the toasts and such. Facebook won't let me upload the full length, so you'll have to use the Google album if you want to see both of our vows. 

I think that's basically it! We've been back from the honeymoon for a couple of weeks, and life is very full! Moving is so mentally taxing, plus Zeb's work keeps him on his toes, and we're trying to connect and reconnect with people. I'm still not back to volunteering or working yet. But if you can be patient for a bit longer, I'm sure we'll see you at some point! It just takes time to get to everything, and I have to remind myself that it doesn't need to all be a rush. Progress matters, even if it's not super speedy. And we have the rest of our lives (however long that will be) to figure this out. 

Thanks for reading! 

~Dolly

What It's Like to be Engaged

 Hello!

I've been wanting to write an update for awhile now, but it's hard to find both time and mental energy lately. But people like to ask me how wedding planning is going, etc., and it might be nice to have a few more answers.

Usually I just say that I have no clue if things are going well, because I've never done this before! 😅 My friend Grace had the follow-up question of, "How are your stress levels with wedding planning?" which seems like a more concrete metric. So I guess I'll start there.

Sometimes I'm pretty stressed, but right now wedding stuff itself is going well. I think. It's going well in the sense that I actually feel like we're going to not only have a wedding, but we're going to have a good wedding. We've ordered a lot of supplies, we have people who've agreed to help with various parts of the process, and we have a marriage license. We also only have a month to fill in all the other necessary gaps.

I'm trying to not be overly detail-oriented, but there are some aspects of planning that really matter to me. The biggest things I've been focusing on are accessibility options. Firstly is food. It's really important to me for everyone to have the opportunity to eat, and to feel at ease about that. This is a bit more difficult to accomplish when all the side dishes are being provided via potluck. However! A decent amount of people who have dietary restrictions are bringing dishes that meet their needs and therefore the needs of other people, and I think there will be enough. My dad is providing the protein, and that'll be diet accessible except for non-meat-eaters. There are also more simple things like wheelchair accessibility. Our venue is wheelchair accessible, so all we have to do is make sure our table layout has enough space that wheelchair and walker users can freely navigate. The third major thing on the accessibility list is introvert/decompression space. Finding an actual place to put that has been a bit complicated, but we're so blessed to have understanding people to help with that. As a neurodivergent person with a friend group that's almost entirely neurodivergent in various ways, having a place for people to get out of the crowd is a high priority for me. This past Wednesday Zeb and I did a walkthrough of the venue, which is our church gym. We looked at all the tech and discussed what we want from the space, and asked about an introvert room. It was so cool to see the idea be immediately understood, and to have people troubleshoot options and ideas for us. 

Feeling like we'll be able to have an event that's as accessible as I can conceive has lifted a lot of weight off my shoulders.

Another thing that's been so helpful is actually ordering stuff. Over the past few months I've spent so much time and energy searching for the best options at the best prices and compiling lists of products for food, activities, and decor. Actually having the items is so helpful! It's like that's removed some background noise in my brain. If we've already ordered something, it's too late to search for a better deal. My research is over, we're staying in budget, and I can move on to the next thing. Also, it's just fun to have enough materials in hand to start visualizing final outcomes. The little centerpiece decorations are so cute and I can't wait to put them together. We have just... so much greenery and flowers for the arch, and I'm thrilled. Plus, Michael's entire spring florals section was on sale!! I told Zeb that I would psych myself out looking at prices, and asked if I could just grab stuff without having to consider the price of each individual stem. He was amenable to this plan so off I went, with Zeb dutifully following behind with a cart, and giving feedback on the balance and variety of colors.

Behold our bounty.

Oh! Another question I get is, "What are your wedding colors?" If you can't tell by the variety pictured above, the answer is, "All of them." 😁

That's not to say things will be chaotic, necessarily. 

We didn't set out to have a themed wedding, but it's happening anyway. Between my joint love of moss and mushrooms, and Zeb's interest in D&D, we've ended up with a sort of fantasy/forest vibe. Moss, mushrooms, little lanterns, treasure chests of chocolate coins...

I'm so excited to see what it'll all look like. 

I know decorations aren't everything, or even anything super important at all. They could be considered shallow. But they can also be a form of expression, and we want to share our interests and personalities with guests who may only know one of us. Also, who doesn't think chocolate coins are fun?

We also have games and activities planned, which I'm super excited about. I really want everyone to have fun, and we're going for a bit of a family reunion vibe. Recently I found out that'll be more accurate of a description than I planned! Three of my cousins, who are siblings, are all planning to come and it'll be the first time they've all been together in roughly five years!

There are still some things to worry about, of course. Potential drama between people. Roles that haven't quite been filled yet. Preparations that still need to be scheduled. We need to write our "I-Do's" and practice them. 

But we've reached a tipping point where there are now more things to be excited about, than there are things to be worried about.

Zeb almost has his entire outfit in hand. All that's really left are the fancy socks that are supposed to arrive this week.

My wedding dress is well under way, my veil is being embroidered, and tomorrow I'm going to my friend Maggie's house to test out the base of a flower crown she's making! So many gifts and contributions from dear people. I feel honored and loved.

In the middle of everything, Zeb and I have been looking for a place to live! And trying to find time and space to rest, both together and individually. Zeb has said from the beginning of this process that he'll prioritize building a marriage over planning a wedding. And since the marriage is the whole point, I agree. Sometimes it takes a lot of intentionality and effort, but we try to keep our relationship balanced and healthy. I'm so grateful for a partner who wants both of us to grow, and I'm looking forward to actually being married to him!

I'm also looking forward to moving!! We've talked about the idea of me and the girls being the first to move into our new place, rather than Zeb living there until we get married. I love the idea of having a head start on creating a home, and settling the girlies, and also just living in a building. This trailer has been a very sweet home, but I'm also starting to see it fall apart around me. A couple years of being exposed to the elements have caused wear and damage. It's to be expected; this thing is older than I am. So, it's been good but it's time for me to move on. I look forward to living in a place that won't have mushrooms growing from the walls. 😅

A little friend I had for a brief time this winter. Don't mind the duct tape, hahaha

Overall, life is very full right now. Filled with both excitement and anxiety, but my therapist likes to remind me that those two feelings can be very much related. I'm so incredibly grateful for our various communities. Church, friends, family, and people that blur the lines between those categories. I have so many people to ask for advice, and it's been really cool to have some of Zeb's family members start filling that role for me as well. It's weird to think that I'm entering something more expansive than a marriage. This one relationship has opened the door to many more, and I'm joining a family that I otherwise would have never known about. It's strange and sweet, and I think that describes a lot of the whole wedding process. 

Everything is new and unfamiliar, but we also have experienced so much support and kindness. Thank you to everyone who's helping to make things feel real. A couple of weeks ago Zeb and I both mentioned feeling like no one would come. 😅 Now as RSVPs have started coming in, that anxiety is dissipating. 

We're so excited to see everyone there! To take pictures, play games, eat good food, and celebrate. ❤️

See you in a month!

~Dolly

Adventures Afar(ish)

 Now that January is over half over, I'm ready to write about Christmastime! 

Zeb and I went to Washington on Christmas Eve to spend time with his family, and stayed with his parents for about a week afterwards. At some point on our trip, Zeb told me I had to write a blog post about it. 

I could write about the beautiful scenery, about meeting people, about my experimental eggnog pie...

I could write about how well Bailey traveled, or how it felt to be in Zeb's hometown, or what it was like getting to know his parents.

But what Zeb wants me to tell you about... are our adventures at Leavenworth.

So here begins a tale of cold feet, animal smuggling, and breaking and entering.

We headed to Leavenworth sometime between Christmas and New Year's Eve. Apparently this is a busy time of year over there! We circled the main street area a few times with no luck, and ended up finding parking in a residential area a few blocks away. Everything was covered in either snow, slush, or water. I had only brought one pair of shoes, some beat-up old suede boots. They quickly absorbed as much moisture as possible and kept my feet nice and cool the entire afternoon. They also have absolutely no tread, and made walking on packed snow/ice and slush very exciting!

Zeb fared quite a bit better with his footwear choices, and therefore had to purposely walk as slowly as possible while I slipped and slid my way down the hill a few blocks, and tried to dodge the giant puddles at all the crosswalks and intersections. This remained a theme for the rest of the day. I did everything very slowly and loudly, from carefully walking through snow and giving the occasional discreet shriek when I slipped, to smelling every candle in every store that had candles, and excitedly beckoning Zeb over to join me.

We had brought Bailey with us, and decided to keep her in Zeb's messenger bag for the afternoon. Once we finally made it to the actual part of town that everyone goes to Leavenworth for, we were already wet, tired, and getting hungry. The restaurants we were interested in had crazy wait times, and one of them immediately informed us of their anti-pet policy as soon as we poked our heads in the door, it seemed.

This was all mildly discouraging, and my blood sugar was starting to crash. We started walking towards McDonald's as an emergency measure. There were two problems with this plan. Number one, it was on the other end of town. Number two, Zeb hates McDonald's. But I needed food, and McDonald's was not likely to have a multiple-hour wait. Luckily I spotted a Starbucks and made the executive decision to change course. The Starbucks was super crowded, but at least it was warm and there was no rain or snow happening inside. I ordered a bunch of different foods and a drink for us to share, and snagged a tiny table in a corner. 

Bailey trying to dry off inside Starbucks

The coffee wasn't great, of course. But it was warm, and so was the food, and we were greatly comforted. So with blood sugar stabilized and misery abated, we braved the cold and rain once more. The wait for Andreas Keller's restaurant was 3+ hours, I think? So we had some time to kill.

Once I got over my cold feet and decided to have fun, it really was a lovely time. All the Christmas lights were still up, and the stores were pleasantly bustling with other touristy people. Zeb was also having a good time, so much so that he even agreed to take some selfies with me, trying to angle things juuust right so the Christmas lights would show in the background.

We wandered through so many shops. We got some very expensive fudge, found our last names in a genealogy book, and Zeb got Bailey a ridiculously priced Seahawks hoodie at a little pet store. 

And then, as we were wandering, I saw a sign. 

"Museum"

"Can we please go? I know you hate museums, but I wanna see what it is!"

Zeb kindly acquiesced, and we climbed the staircase to the Leavenworth Historical Museum.

There was no one at the desk. Here is where the breaking and entering comes in, although I confess I may have exaggerated it a bit. I did not want to enter the museum without paying the $5 per person fee, but what were we to do? We waited awkwardly, with no sign of help. I looked around considered our options, and got an idea. What if I just check out our tickets myself? How hard could it be? So I reached over the counter and pulled the little checkout computer thing to where I could see it, selected two adult tickets, and paid for them. I saved the receipt to prove that we had indeed bought our tickets, and as soon as I completed my daring mission, the museum employee whose job I had just taken over, approached us and offered her assistance. "No thank you, we already got our tickets! See, I have the receipt, we already paid."

Luckily, she was fine with all of this, and very enthusiastically answered a couple of questions and then some! I think she was just excited that someone was obviously so passionate to go through the museum. 

After all that buildup, we went through the whole museum in about 15 minutes. 😅 There was a lot of interesting info all over, and a lot of care and passion obvious in all the details. But I think my favorite part of the whole thing was the little checkout computer. That was probably just because of the adrenaline rush, though.

Soon after this escapade, our turn on the restaurant wait-list came up. I'm pretty sure they let us make the reservation because Bailey was in a bag and also below the little check-in podium/counter thing, so no employees saw her. We were determined to keep it that way when we went back to actually eat. 

Bailey had been a perfect angel all day. She nestled quietly in her blanket nest in Zeb's bag, and gladly let us put the flap over her to keep her head dry. 

However. 

As soon as we sat down she decided that now was her time to make a move. We looked over our menus while Zeb tried to keep her tucked under his arm and out of sight. Whenever a server came by, I would hold my menu up to divert attention away from Zeb's mild struggling, and he would lean forward and try to hide Bailey behind his arm, and we successfully ordered food without being caught. When it came, of course Bailey was very interested. Zeb did his best to keep her contained, and we thoroughly enjoyed our meal. I think laughing at Bailey's antics enhanced the experience, overall.

Bailey subtly requesting a bite of schnitzel.

With our meal finished, Zeb subtly maneuvered Bailey back into the bag, and we headed out, thoroughly pleased with our accomplishment.

We wandered through more shops until evening, and enjoyed the caramelly smells from a kettle corn stand. My favorite shop was a spices and tea store that had everything you could possibly want, in bulk. There was a full wall with jars of spices, and another full wall with jars of tea. It was glorious. I want to take Hannah there sometime.

The absolute decadence!

As dusk fell, we bid Leavenworth farewell. Zeb walked with Bailey back up the hill to his truck, while I waited at a pedestrian pick-up area and admired the view.

We drove back to Zeb's parents' house, content with our adventures. 

Honestly, I'm really proud of myself. When the day started, it seemed like things would be somewhat miserable the whole way through. We drove in circles looking for parking, we walked through snow, in the rain, and got wet feet. We were hungry and cold. 

And I decided to just ... not be miserable. We had set out to have fun and enjoy ourselves. When we were sitting in Starbucks, I checked in with Zeb. He was tired and cold and slightly discouraged. 

"I'm trying to picture a scenario where, in a couple of hours, we're having a good time. I can't quite get there, but I'm trying."

I asked him to look for a scenario in which he was having a good time, because I was already enjoying myself. 

He seemed kinda surprised, but I think maybe it took some pressure off of him to make things perfect.

And sure enough, a couple hours later we were having a pretty great time. 

I'm really glad I was able to choose to have fun. And I'm so relieved and slightly surprised that it actually worked! There are so many times where I can't quite tip the scales of the day, away from misery or discontentment. Often Zeb has to be the one to say, "No, we're not going to have a bad day. Things don't have to be perfect for us to enjoy them." And that day in Leavenworth, it was my turn to change our course and choose to embrace whatever the day would look like. It looked like adventures, laughter, and cold wet feet. And that was perfect.

-Dolly 

Gladsome Tidings

 

Sooo.... I may have some news! 

In May, I posted an update about this guy named Zeb, and how we were dating now, etc. etc.

Things have been going pretty well since then, as we've settled into the routines of a relationship. Zeb works at my cousin's grass seed and grain warehouse, just a few minutes away from my little trailer. So most days I make lunch and he comes over during his break, and many days we also have supper together. I love the structure this gives my days, as well as the opportunity to express my value of caring for the people around me. And Zeb loves my cooking. 😁

So every day Zeb comes over for lunch, gives me a hug, says hello to Bailey, and politely asks Izzy to make room for him on the couch. I love that we get this time to be together and feel at home. I love that my girls adore him. Bailey asks for belly rubs and climbs in his lap. Izzy scoots a little closer to him on the couch and licks his arm. I love that we're a little family.

I've written before about how important these kinds of patterns are to me. 

So, overall life hasn't been the easiest thing, (when is it ever?) but it's been good. 

Apparently Zeb agrees with me.

On Saturday, November 18th, he proposed. 

I had been somewhat anxiously awaiting this development, and then when it happened I was completely blindsided. Apparently Zeb had been carrying this locket around for weeks, waiting for the perfect moment. And then, on this particular Saturday, he just decided it felt right. There was nothing special that day. We were just hanging out before going to get groceries together. But Zeb decided it felt like the right time, so he texted Hannah.

Hannah was having our friend Maggie over for a Harry Potter marathon, and had made her own butterscotch sauce for butterbeer. She invited us up to try some butterscotch, and I suspected nothing. 

Hannah has a really old phone, and it takes... not great pictures. So I told her a long time ago that I don't want the only pictures of me getting engaged to be on her phone. 

Hannah asked for a phone with a good camera, to take pictures of my reaction to the butterscotch, and I still suspected nothing. 

Hannah started explaining to Maggie that, "Dolly is just so picky about phone cameras," and I immediately protested. 

"I just don't want my engagement or wedding pictures to be taken with your phone!" I explained, as Zeb got down on one knee. I still suspected nothing. 

With a spoonful of butterscotch in my mouth, I turned to look at Zeb, on one knee, and I just sorta blanked. I turned towards Hannah, who was at the ready with Zeb's phone camera, and the realization dawned. In my shock, I didn't notice that there was a spoon in my mouth. Thankfully, Hannah did notice, and removed it, although I didn't even realize it at the time. 

Zeb asked me to marry him, and I said yes. And then I had my first kiss, and we all sat around Hannah's table and drank Martinelli's while I tried to breathe at a normal rate.

The not-quite-three-weeks since then have been... Busy? Hectic? Stressful? Wonderful?

All of the above. From budgeting to scheduling to dreaming to asking people to help, it's been a very full time. We have venues and photography booked, my friend William took our engagement pictures, my mom and Auntie Dorcas have started the dress-making process, my Auntie Arlene is practicing embroidery, I asked my friend Maggie to make me a flower crown, Hannah is planning to make just ... so many cupcakes, our pastor Ranee lined up church venues for us, another pastor-friend has agreed to do premarital counseling with us.... 

I know I'm missing people.

I'm already amazed at the ways so many people want to help and be involved and show us love and support. You're each so kind and wonderful. Thank you. ❤️

Still, there are a lot of things that we're not able to outsource just yet. Zeb and I have kinda split up some of the communication duties. "I'll reach out to ______, and you can be the one to draft an email to ___________?" 

We brainstorm and plan together, and it's been really fun for me to hear his ideas. He's the one that reminds me that we still have time. The entire wedding doesn't need to be planned in a week. It's important to talk about other things and have mental downtime. He helps me solve problems, and also reminds me that they're not all urgent. 

He's not the only one reminding me to rest. I remember one day in particular, that I had woken up 3 hours early and immediately started working on wedding planning. When Hannah woke up, she forbade me from doing any other wedding planning for the rest of the day. She then informed me that she had to go to work at 11, and had therefore enlisted Maggie to take over checking in with me for the afternoon.

I'm grateful for such good friends.

As we get into the holiday season, I especially need to take all their advice to heart. This can be a busy and somewhat frantic time under any circumstances, much as that seems it should be counterintuitive. I'm trying not to get swept away by gift lists and travel and events, in much the same way I'm trying to keep dresses and decorations and save the dates in their proper place. What I mean is, these are all accessories to my life, not the focus. A wedding is about commitment more than color schemes. And Christmas is about peace and hope more than presents and plans. 

I want to take my time and enjoy this time.

After all, it's my first Christmas with a fiance.

~Dolly soonish-to-be Berg

Changes

 Fall is my favorite season. 

All the seasons are my favorite, honestly. But fall is the best. 😁 I often describe myself as liking the changes between seasons, more than any of the seasons themselves. And every year. I think that's true... until fall comes around and then I suddenly feel like myself again. Give me sweaters, flannels, boots, and beanies. Give me warm lattes, foggy mornings, sunny afternoons, and crunchy leaves.

Fall and IKEA always remind me that I'm actually a basic white girl. 😅 What can I say, if we all like these things, maybe it's cuz we all have good taste.

I'm not sure what it is about certain things that bring such a sense of identity, and why change can affect that so strongly. A couple of posts ago, I mentioned cutting my hair. Recently I cut it again, and got a nose piercing about a week later. Friends were super sweet and supportive, and I got a few interesting questions. "Do you love it?" "Do you feel more free?" "Do you feel more like yourself?"

Yes? No? I'm not entirely sure.

It's not like I wasn't myself before. And I don't feel suddenly different or less stifled, or even like my hair is easier to work with. I wasn't feeling dysphoric or inauthentic or controlled, exactly. However, I was, and probably always will be, very concerned about how others would feel about how I look.

I've wanted to have a pixie cut to wear with beanies basically since I started wearing beanies. I've wanted a nose ring for almost a year? And I just haven't done these things. It's not that I wasn't being myself a year ago, it's that I was slightly trying not to stand out. Maybe because I naturally stand out in ways I don't always want to, with my arms. 

Also... I dunno, I don't want people to think badly of my family. Like my parents somehow "failed" because both their children are non-conventional in different ways. So I tend to just not do all the things I know I want to. 

The main person that stifles my sense of self... is sometimes myself.

So! Do I feel suddenly liberated, or in love with my hair, or otherwise drastically different?!? 

No.

But I do wake up every morning and feel cute.

Look at this fun, joyful being!!

And I look at this person that I would dream of becoming... and she's me. She has cute hair and a nose ring in just the right spot and she has supportive friends and a really sweet boyfriend and... and she's me.

Some days that takes longer to set in than it does on others.

Some days it doesn't feel special. A lot of days lately, I'm too tired for anything to feel special. But even on a lot of those days... I wake up and feel cute. And maybe that's what people mean. 

There's been no big dopamine rush or sense of novelty. I just feel like me. And I think that's all I'm meant to feel like right now. Life is a bit of a slog lately. I don't have much energy, I don't have much money, and I'm not having many adventures. I'm just trying to live with each day, letting it be what it is. And hopefully in that, I can learn to let me be what I am, too. 

Whatever God wants that to look like, I guess. I don't think I'll ever be anything earth-shattering. When I was younger, I wanted to be. I wanted to be a big deal, I wanted to change people's lives! Maybe that's what happens when grown-ups call you an "inspiration" all the time. 😅

But as I've gotten older (not by much yet, but you know) I've kinda... gotten a sense of what brings meaning and purpose to my life. What calls to me. 

It's very (annoyingly) traditional.

I want to make people feel safe and wanted. 

I want to provide a home for others to find respite in.

I want to bring God's sense of adoption into the world- I want to accept and nurture others.

I want to build community. Somewhere I belong, as well.

I want to sustain myself and maybe others. To grow food and raise animals, to cook and can and butcher and preserve....

I want to be a partner and a mother figure.

I want home and family, whatever that may look like. 

I like all these things now. But I didn't always. I had a slight identity crisis when I first realized that a lot of my personal skills, values, and interests lie very heavily in the homemaking category. Culturally, that's what I've always been "supposed" to do. So I questioned all of it. 

"Is this really me and my interests, or is this just what I was raised for?" "Am I settling because I don't think I could do anything else with my life?" "Do I want this because it's familiar, a path of less resistance?"

Also...

I just don't like being told what to do and who to be. 😅 Autonomy and independence are incredibly important to me, and if I were to end up walking someone else's path, I think it would rot me from the inside out.

So after much poking, prodding, deliberating, and a fair amount of young adult angst...

I think this is just who I am.

Right now I think I'm someone who has cute hair, and a nose ring in just the right spot, and supportive friends, and a really sweet boyfriend; and I think I'm someone who wants to have a garden and a home and kids running around and I think I'm someone who's just... me.

Whatever that is.

~Dolly

Rhythms and Rituals

If you're coming from my last post:

This is not a post about my birthday/Memorial Day weekend campout! 

It was a very mixed weekend, and I wasn't confident that I could write about it without risking anyone feeling like they contributed to some of the more difficult aspects. So I avoided the whole topic entirely, rather than risk making anyone feel bad. The TL:DR of the weekend is that I was very tired and stressed and I really love my friends and relatives and I'm grateful they came and spent time with me.

But this blog post is not about the campout, it's about finding the patterns that make life less overwhelming to face.

The older I get, the more I realize the importance of ritual. The patterns that start out with such intention, and then become so integral to daily life that they settle into rhythms that feel like coming home.

In some ways, I thrive in mild... adversity(?) I don't consider these things as difficulties, but other people might.

For instance, I didn't have running water for part of my time in Eastern Oregon. So first thing every morning, I would take a jug out to the water spigot so I could have water to wash my hands and brush my teeth and all the other little things one does to start their day. It was so lovely to have something to do as soon as I woke up each morning. And as it became a habit, I added to it. I started talking to Ike the old horse. And then I bought a bag of carrots so I could give him a snack each morning. 

Now I have running water, but I don't trust old RV pipes to be clean and respectable. At first I would just boil water in a kettle all the time, but that's not as fun in the summer heat. So now I am back to hauling water, but it's not as effective since I don't have to do it first thing, especially if I have a bit of water leftover from the previous day. So I've had to find new ways to add bits of loose structure to my morning.

For the past 6+ months, I have been horrendously bullied into drinking water. I spent the first 23~ years of my life being somewhat chronically dehydrated. And then I obtained a boyfriend, and he joined my best friend in pressuring me to hydrate. 

It has been effective. Technically this is a good thing, but I also don't like the idea of them thinking they're winning.

All my little hydration woes aside, I now drink some water first thing in the morning, and take my anxiety med. And then I let Bailey outside and feed the small group of cats that I've accidentally collected. Bailey and I come back in, I feed her, and then I make a smoothie or frappuccino or something for myself.

I have other little rituals to my day as well. Every morning I wash dishes so I can make lunch for myself and Zeb. He works at my "Uncle" Paul's warehouse, which is smack-dab in the middle of my family's farm, so it's very convenient to have lunches together. Or if Zeb's very busy I'll just drop off his lunchbox at the warehouse's office. So lunch is another little ritualistic event in my day. I put a lot of care and time and intention into it.

Afternoons tend to be when things™ happen. Meeting a friend, volunteering, housework, etc. Often I take a bit of time to rest, as well. And then as evening comes I wash lunch dishes so I can make supper. Sometimes I make supper for Zeb, too, but not every day. 

As twilight falls I often sit in my hammock for a bit. Sometimes I start a small campfire. I let Bailey out and feed the kitties again at 9:30, and call Izakaya in for bed. Both my indoor girlies get treats, and then I make Bailey's dinner, take meds, and get ready for bed. I'm usually settled in around 10.

Reading through this, it probably sounds like my whole day is scheduled out. But honestly, it's just a few moments morning and evening, and cooking meals in between. The rest of my time is very open, and I really need that flexibility. But I also need structure. I think that's an ADHD thing? 

I've found that I need structure mostly in the mornings and evenings; it does wonders for my sleep schedule. If I try to tackle my sleep schedule issues directly, it all becomes an impossible chore, and the feeling of pressure heightens my anxiety, which further prevents me from sleeping well. But if I have a set of rituals to get ready for bed, and they're triggered at a certain time, then I am reliably getting to bed at roughly the same time every night. And if I have an approachable but specific task to do when I get up in the mornings, I am much more likely to actually get out of bed.

A week or two ago, my kitchen sink plugged up and my whole life fell to shambles.

The sink was plugged for a good few days at least, and it ruined everything. Trying to wash dishes in a tiny RV bathtub is... not particularly feasible. Especially with very low water pressure and zero space to put one's legs or feet.

My bathtub of dishes

In addition to the difficulty of washing dishes in the bathtub, I had to choose to either wash dishes or take a shower, at any given time. And I can only do my less-enjoyed chores/tasks on spur-of-the-moment whims or bursts of energy. So having an obstacle, such as a large knife in my bathtub, causes problems.

The whole thing was such an issue that I started exclusively making sandwiches and things that required minimal dishes. I made entire meals where the only thing I got dirty was a singular knife. 

So now my dishes routine was off, I didn't want to take showers, and I wasn't really cooking.

Misery. 

My mornings and evenings were in chaos, the in-betweens soon followed, and I felt very off-kilter and restricted. The problem was, I couldn't quite tell why in the world this one little thing was throwing me off so much. So I have to wash dishes in the bathtub and my back hurts a bit: what's the big deal?

But I wash dishes because I enjoy washing dishes. And having back pain removed that enjoyment, and therefore my motivation. 

But even still, if it was just dishes, I don't think it would have been such a problem. But because it also threw off a few other patterns, I completely fell out of rhythm.

I didn't realize all of this until a few days ago when my sink got fixed and I was so very excited to get to wash dishes! Oh the joy of chores!! And the rest of my life very quickly followed suit and lined itself back up into its proper order.

Day-to-day life isn't the only useful place to hold ritual and build rhythms. Zeb and I have been dating for 6 months now, and one of my favorite things about our relationship is that we build these things together. 

We are very happy with the state of things.

On a daily level I get to make his lunches. But there are other things.

On Sundays we go to church and then get groceries. And maybe take a nap. 

In addition, every month we do:

1 Double Date

1 Date Night/Day

1 Open Hack Night at the Eugene MakerSpace 

1 "Talking Day"

Talking Day comes from my cousin Daisi; she told me how she does it with her boyfriend, and Zeb and I adopted the idea. It's a time to finish any/all conversations that have come up throughout the month and just didn't quite happen. Whether it's a topic that we want to talk about but haven't gotten to yet, or a question I have that isn't time-sensitive so I just forgot about it, or a conversation we started and then couldn't finish for whatever reason. I write these things down as I think of them, and then when Talking Day comes I get out my reference list. 

Having these bits of intention built into our relationship has made it so much more fulfilling to me. It's still very flexible, but there's just enough of a guideline there to make sure that we keep a pattern of reinforcing the relationship we're building between us.

A date can be whatever we want it to be. Going for a hike, making a special recipe for a dinner, exploring somewhere new, or just setting aside specific time to focus on each other. It doesn't matter what the date is, it just matters that we have one.

I think that's what all these rituals come down to. Whether in general life or in my relationship, rituals only work when they're specifically about living out my values.

I value feeding others, so washing dishes and cooking is fulfilling.

I value life, so caring for my animals is rewarding.

I value small pleasures, so making myself a smoothie or frappuccino makes me feel very cared-for.

I value the energy it takes to be present and do what matters to me, so my bedtime and sleep routine is comforting.

I value my ability to think clearly and react well to the world, so taking my meds feels purposeful.

I value my relationship with Zeb, so doing things for him and spending time with him is really enriching.

I think I'll start doing evening campfires again soon, which will be uplifting because I so strongly value community.

All this to say, I think this issue of fulfilling values is why building up rituals is so much more doable to me than trying to force a new habit to rise from nothing. Habits take so much work! Whereas rituals just give my values a framework to express themselves. So building a ritual, while it holds intention, doesn't feel like work at all. It feels like the intentionality of taking a second to hold and smell a warm cup of coffee before you drink it on a cold morning. On the other hand, trying to create a habit feels like trying to raise a skyscraper from plain dirt via telekinesis or the force. It might be possible for some fictional person somewhere, but it's not particularly doable for me.

All this to say: I'm glad to have my kitchen sink back. 

And I really look forward to a lifetime of finding new rituals as my natural rhythms change with time and circumstances, or as my values soften and deepen as I grow.

I don't usually ask for feedback, but I would really love to know what y'all think. Are you able to build habits? How do you do that???? 

Or, on the other hand: 

Does building habits feel daunting to you? What about finding rituals? Do you see these two concepts as distinct from each other?

I'm just so curious about what works for other people! Or, if nothing has really worked for you so far, does this approach sound appealing? 

I value a sense of wonder and curiosity, and I express that by asking a lot of questions. 😁 So I hope someone will have mercy on my curious little mind and answer some of them.

Either way, I hope you find a way to live that suits you just right, and that you find as much joy and comfort in it as possible. Good luck to each of us on our own journeys.

-Dolly

Burnout and a Boyfriend

 Hello! It's been awhile!

The last thing I posted was a synopsis of my life and health for the past couple of years, and my feelings about 2023. We're almost halfway through the year now, and so much has happened and changed... some of it good, some of it amazing, and some of it very hard.

In my last post I said that had entered the dating world, and I didn't have a boyfriend but I had made some lovely friends. By the time I wrote that, I was already phased out of online dating. I had a pretty full social life, and I was feeling busy and fulfilled and not in need of a boyfriend. Or dating experience. 

God had other plans....

Our announcement on January 19

I like to say that this came about because of divine meddling.  Zeb and I became close friends while neither of us had any intention of starting a serious relationship. (I was a bit more open to the idea, though.) After things had developed in some very annoying directions, we spent roughly two months with romantic feelings out in the open, and the agreement that we still weren't going to date. I was so frustrated with my silly feelings that weren't quite going away, hahaha. 

And then... Divine Meddling™. 

I remember being so confused one afternoon, after Zeb and I had specifically agreed to remain "just" friends. We had visited our local Mormon church together, and afterwards spent the afternoon talking about truth and theology and calling and what God has done in our lives... At one point in the middle of the conversation, God whispered to me, "His calling is _______, and your calling is ___________, and those two things go together."

My thought was, "Why in the world would you tell me this?" 

We both felt like we were where God wanted us to be, including in our relationship. I still believe we were. But He kept dropping hints about the future, and now here we are. 😅

And it's absolutely lovely. I'm so overwhelmingly lucky that I can't even describe it. When I see Zeb holding Bailey, or working on a project; when he invests in relationships with my family, when he shows me kindness and grace when I'm struggling.... I don't deserve him. But I guess we never deserve good gifts, and God gives them anyway.

I mentioned us going to Mormon church.... That's something that's remained a part of our lives. I think it's been really good for me to examine beliefs and embrace people that I otherwise wouldn't. I've heard such a mix of accuracies and misconceptions about Mormons and the Mormon church over the years, that when I realized the Holy Spirit is active in their lives, I was kinda surprised. From what I'd heard, they're not Christian in almost any sense. 

I think they're a good group of people who love Jesus just like I do; and who also have some beliefs I don't agree with, and heroes and structures that I can't really align myself with.

Which is like pretty much any group of God's kiddos. So it makes me happy to explore more of my extended family, hahaha. ("This is my church family on the Mormon side," lol.) And I'm really grateful for the connections and friends I've/we've made. 

Getting an epic burger at Junkyard with the JC missionaries, Elders Shelley and Nielsen.

I don't know exactly where God is going with these connections, but I'm happy to settle into them and wait to see what He's up to. 😊

In more general terms, my social life isn't what it once was, hahaha. I pushed myself really hard for a very long time- helping hold a lot of things together for other people, and then having to hold myself together in my downtime. I think that all started at least last fall or so? So I didn't really have time to invest in my less intense relationships. A few months ago I told my pastor that I was approaching my limit and I didn't want to commit to things. 

Unfortunately, I am bad at not committing to things.

So, I hit some pretty rough burnout. Which means that even after external circumstances have changed, my social life is still on the more minimal side. It honestly makes me extra grateful for the connections I had already built last summer- they've supported me so much. I'm especially grateful to Hannah, Maggie, and Marissa. They've all taken turns initiating plans, which means I don't have to. And they're such an uplifting group. Being with them nourishes my soul. Even though they take pictures and laugh, instead of helping me, when I fall off of things from laughing too hard. 😂

L-R: Me, Marissa, Hannah, Maggie

Another contributing factor to my social decline is... I'm just busy! Between the two of us, Zeb and I have almost every evening booked except Sunday! We have 4 recurring things on the calendar every week, and then the last couple of days always get filled. 3 out of our 4-5 Saturdays a month are usually already scheduled out, as well, so that pretty much just leaves one "empty" evening a week, which gets filled with whatever we can't fit into the other days. On Sundays we sleep it all off so we can start again.

It's something we're both having to evaluate. I know, for myself, that I'm not great at prioritizing. So it can be really hard to figure out what actually needs to stay on the schedule, and what can be set aside for a week. 

We're figuring it out together. We have to: we've both gotten a bit burned out.

For me, this burnout has been weird. Last time I pushed so far past my limits, I got that weird paralysis-ish thing for awhile. 

This time, my body has honestly held up remarkably well. I take naps and rest when I need to, and a day or two later I can be back at it again! It's very mixed, for me. I love that I can do more, and I like being able to move. But I'm still sort of always teetering around the brink of further collapse and exhaustion, because I haven't hit a point where I have no options. I've been having to choose to say, "I can't do that." "Yes, I'm okay, I'm just trying to make sure it stays that way," which is a totally new concept to me. So, I often miscalculate. Which means that I'm dragging things out a bit longer, each time I overreach.

TW for the next three paragraphs: mentions of suicidal ideation.

I would say the biggest effects of burnout have been on my mental/emotional state. Insecurities feel bigger. Triggers hit a LOT harder. My mood swings can be pretty dysregulated. And it seems like really small things can suddenly start that little pathway in my brain that says, "I want to die."

One week my insecurities with Zeb built up so big that they kinda exploded. Another week I was falling over from exhaustion. Another week I had 3 anxiety attacks. This week it's the suicidal ideation that seems to kick in on auto-pilot.

I do want to clarify that I absolutely do not want to die. It's just that my brain had that thought as an automatic response for years, so sometimes it just goes there, basically separately from me. So, I wouldn't say I'm in danger. But it does get exhausting to have to fight my own thoughts, or correct them, especially when I'm under some sort of emotional distress.

Back to less triggering topics!

I cut my hair. 😁

I've always had it decently long. A side effect of growing up Mennonite, hahaha. In the past few years I've grown it to its maximum length a couple of times, which was really fun. I loved the swishy ponytails and the fun updos and the really long braids. 

And then I cut them off. 😊 I initially cut off over a foot of hair. Hannah cleaned up the back where I couldn't reach, and I taught Zeb how to do layers.

Initial ponytail chop. Yes, they got donated, thanks to my mom. 😊

Pre-layers. I was already pretty pleased with it.

My very handsome haircut assistant. 😁

And then I got bored and had Hannah help me cut it even shorter, so now it's more of a long, layered bob. (Layers courtesy of Zeb once again.) I love that I have a haircut team, lol.

We always have fun. 😁

I think this is the best picture I have of the current length.

It's definitely been an adjustment!! I can just barely get it into a ponytail now, so when it's hot I braid my bangs back and do two little ponytail-bun-things to keep it contained. 😅 I'm thinking of cutting it shorter again, but it might wait til fall, cuz I think I'll wanna be able to put it up over the summertime.

I know that after all the bigger updates, haircuts are a bit mundane.

But my hair is a big deal to me. It's a part of my identity in a way I don't know that I can express. I think the best I can do is share an experience.

After I posted pictures of my haircut, I was surprised at how many people commented, whom I know from Mennonite circles. Positive comments. I think a lot of us are on parallel journeys of discovering openness to new things. 

I looked at the picture and I realized something. 

I don't look ex-Mennonite anymore. Which is weird. I'm used to being able to look at people and just know if they grew up Mennonite or Charity or conservative homeschooled or something along those lines. There's a vibe, and I don't know if I could explain it, but it reminds me of something one of my cousins said about Amish kids on rumspringa- they look like they don't know how to do their hair.

Awhile ago, I started transitioning out of having Mennonite hair. Now I don't really have ex-Mennonite hair either. It's weird to think about.  I don't know that people from the kinds of communities I grew up in, would be able to identify that I'm one of them. Or, that I was, at one point. 

It's a sense of liberation and loss.

But my hair looks cute. 😁 And I think this is an important part of my process of growing up and deciding what to keep, and what to let go.

I've been having to process a lot of things lately. And let go of a lot of them.

Past experiences, relational expectations, bits of cultural history, a need to always push to the limit... and a lot of hair. 😅

I think that's a pretty decent update/ramble. As always, I didn't cover everything. But this is what I had on my mind, so it's all you get for now. 

In just over a week I'll turn 24. It's also Memorial Day weekend, then, so Zeb and I are hosting a campout and cookout with friends. I'm really looking forward to it. 😊 And I'm looking forward to whatever else the summer may have to offer. Prayers that it involves a good harvest, without fire or injury. ❤️

I think that's it for now. Maybe I'll post about the campout, later. 

Thanks for reading!

~Dolly