God at Eventide (and Hard Times)

Everyone has (or should have) that one place they can get away to and think. For me that's my bed at night when I should be sleeping. Insomnia ftw! Sometimes I think about a certain friend I'm grateful for or worried about, a problem or joyful happening in my own life, or I just mentally solve world problems.

I was doing that last night, thinking about all the suffering in the world and how that can be such a huge obstacle for people when they try to get a good look at God. And in my head I was just all like, "Well, God made everything perfect and we messed it up and He's not gonna do anything to violate our freewill, so in the end, it's our fault and God's still great and cool and perfect."

And then I stopped. Because that is such a pat answer, and no wonder some people get annoyed at us Christians for trying to look like we have it all together. The thing is, I absolutely hate oversimplified, mental answers to complicated, heart problems. While they may be more or less true, they don't satisfy because they come across as so shallow. Also, I (very humbly) pride myself on being a pretty open, transparent person. That annoying person who responds honestly to, "How are you?" with, "I'm really exhausted and depressed today, how are you?" (Insert brave smile here.)

I can be honest on that because it's pretty simple. No existential crisis there! But the big, heart-wrenching, gut-twisting questions we encounter when seeing an innocent child suffer? Who has a really satisfying answer? I just realized that I've been covering up and sticking band-aids on these things when they need hardcore stitches.

So, last night, in bed, I let go of any illusion of having all the pieces in place. I don't have an answer, except to do what I can to help the person next to me. Not much of an answer, is it? Well, it's all I've got. I warned you already that I don't know everything yet!

Then I prayed, begging God to look at this poor, little, hurting, bruised and bleeding world. At each hurting, bruised, and bleeding heart. I prayed for healing and truth to shine through. I prayed love over people I should (?) hate, because they have a story, and because God loves them. I prayed for conviction of sin, too. And I told God straight up that I don't have any clue what's up with all this. I told Him I sure hope He's got some good answers for all this. (Good answers being the ones that He's famous for, the ones that cut straight to the heart.)

And then I read my Bible a little and went to sleep.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I might just go read The Case for Faith by Lee Strobel and lick my apologetic wounds.

~Dolly