A Creative God

A couple weeks ago or so, one of my cousins got married in Spokane, Washington. Since all the Aunts, Uncle and Cousins came out for the first Smucker cousin wedding, we had a reunion too, but that was up in Bonners Ferry, Idaho, and it was afterwards.

While we were there, the fuel pump on our truck went out, so we got to stay an extra day with my uncle's family up there. I decided to have a mini-adventure, and went to school with my younger cousins.

It wasn't nearly as awkward as I thought it'd be.

Anyway, (I'm actually approaching my point here!)

The high school teacher gave a mini-lecture on writing, which fired me up. I grabbed my cousin's notebook and a pencil and started scribbling. And when I reread it, I thought, "Ya know, this could be a blog post!"

And then our truck got fixed and we went home the next day and I left it behind!

Fortunately, I have an awesome Aunt Twila, who mailed a couple of ratty notebook papers to me with a little note on the envelope saying that these were "good words". Now they are in my hand, so I can type them up and you can read them, if you want.

Spiritual gifts fascinate me. They're a sort of Heavenly psychology- instead of personality types and traits, they're these divinely - appointed abilities, custom - fit to each of god's dear ones.  Each of us has a unique place, a unique combination of supernatural characteristics that give us a specific spot in God's story. It's awesome! 

But, I think even more interestingly, each gift represents an aspect of God's character. My gift of mercy can help me see people through God's eyes, while someone else's gift of knowledge can give them a much clearer view of truth than I may ever have. That's why church is so important- none of us can fully represent God's character alone. We're too small. But with all of us standing together and operating in our understanding of God's individual traits, we can better represent Him as a whole.

To be honest, this gets me kind of hyped up. There's something about realizing what a small part you play, but that it's intrinsic to a much larger whole. And by "larger" I mean intergalactic. Because our God's that big.

Moving on, though, (because I can't think of a better transition) one of God's traits that absolutely intrigues me is His creativity. The study of His mind is very personal to me, because it seems to be a tad bit overlooked. I guess that's understandable. God's creativity, in the sense that I mean, isn't really the thing that we base major doctrines off of. But knowing that God thinks the same way I do, (just. . . to the nth, because, you know, He's God) makes Him so much more relatable!  And no doctrine, no matter how true, can match the thrill of getting to know a Being so beyond human grasp.

Now, hang on for a moment. This is the good stuff. This is why I love having a creative God. Here goes:

This fantastical. . . Being, Who's always been, Who has more power than I could ever dream of, Who literally is the only thing keeping our little Earth-rock from spinning out of control, this God had an eternity to wait until He made everything. I would get bored. But, of course, God didn't. He was busy.

For a whole forever, God planned. Sort of a holy drawing-board. He sat and decided to stripe His zebras. To make cats the floppiest mammals. To make dessert flowers so small we can't see them- they're just there because He felt like it.

And then, I think God got so excited about His ideas He had to talk about them. And in His still, small voice that can melt worlds, God spoke. And as He talked about His fantastic ideas, because He's God, they happened.

And God, with all His power that I can't imagine, holiness I can't grasp, and creativity without edges, decided He wanted me here. Me, with my depression and anxiety and physical deformities and incapabilites and everything else. . . He decided that I was worth His time and His effort, so He planned me out- frizzy hair to missing fingers. The God of everything came up with the idea for me. And He decided I was worth the effort it would take Him to make me and win me. Somehow, my being in Heaven someday is so important to God that He risked all the pain I put Him through, (He knew what He was getting into) and God. Made. Me.

If He can invest so much, maybe I can live through today. Since He risked His heart in starting the beat of mine, I can learn, just a little today, about the beat of His heart that's big enough to hold all of us and strong enough to break for each of us.

 Apparently He thinks I'm worth His time.

I know He's worth my life.

May you find the same to be true for you. God thinks you're worth His effort and risk, and whether or not you believe it, I do.

~Dolly 

In Review

Wow... I've officially had a blog for a year!

So far there've been:
3 Facelifts
23 Posts Published
55 Facebook Followers (Increase the number here) 😉
and a LOT of Things learned. Things like:
How to use emojis on blogger 😑😶😀😏🌝😻🙀😸💓💁💚💛💜 (etc., etc.)
How to make posts accessible
How to write clearly
and very importantly, How to be honest. Because that's hard, especially here on the interwebs.

I've shared about my dreams and struggles and other stuff. Not everything of course, but. . . enough, I guess. So here's where my life's at now:

I'm still living in the little shop apartment with Bailey. It's been fun! Not exactly sunshine and roses though. My house is a mess, (and I don't say that lightly) Bailey and I both have anxiety issues, and I really hate washing dishes. If I'm not careful to regulate Bailey and my routine, she has an annoying tendency to pee on my clothes or poop on the floor. And until maybe a week ago (when my best friend saved my knees and back from hours of scrubbing) the bathroom floor was covered in dried kitten diarrhea. It smelled amazing! 🙄😷😑

I've mostly graduated high school. . . Just the scariest part to go! #GED #MathAndScience I'd love to get a job, honestly, but finishing the GED test comes first. And then learning to properly keep house. As in, consistently. And then, maybe I'll believe I have what it takes to enter the workforce! Of course, that's all my plan. God might very well have something else up His sleeve, and if so, I'll probably kick and scream and then write a lovely blog post about His plan- once I settle down.

Spiritually I feel like Habakkuk, crying,

How long, LORD, must I call for help, but you do not listen? Or cry out to you, 'Violence!' but you do not save? 

Why do you make me look at injustice? Why do you tolerate wrongdoing? Destruction and violence are before me; there is strife, and conflict abounds. 

Therefore the law is paralyzed, and justice never prevails. The wicked hem in the righteous, so that justice is perverted.

These verses just. . . resonate with me. I know I'm not the only of God's small ones that raises a cry. We look around and then shout, "Daddy God! Look! Violence- people are killing each other and wounding hearts and look at all of us down here bleeding! Government isn't working, we don't trust our leaders, and right and wrong are so tangled we can hardly tell what's what! ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING?"

And of course, we know He is listening. I think. 😕 He must be, because I believe His reply to Habakkuk is still valid for me, right now.

“Look at the nations and watch— and be utterly amazed. For I am going to do something in your days that you would not believe, even if you were told. ..."

So, I'll try to wait. I'm watching.

Y'know, all this time I thought Habakkuk was just kinda. . . stuck in there. Like filler material with a conveniently laughable name. In fact, I felt that way about most of the minor prophets. Then, of course, I gave myself a challenge of reading through them all. (Not for any spiritual reason. I just wanna be able to say that I've read the whole Bible except Song of Songs so I can quit being such a disappointment to our youth pastor.)

But it's been good. And now I hafta go home to my house and quit using my parents' internet.

Goodnight everyone! I might not know you, but I love you! If that makes sense. . . Whatever. Byeee~!

~Dolly

Who Can't be Helped

This morning I called Mom with a question about a kid we know with severe mental illness. Lots of people had relatively negative experiences with him, but I always felt privileged that he was nice to me and liked me. Maybe it's because he could tell I care? Whatever the case, recently he's done some really drastic things. And he's in a mental health facility.

I asked Mom if she thinks that incurable mental illness exists; she said yes. My instinctive response was to question, "Why?" Why would God let that be a thing; let some of His precious ones live forever trapped in fear or despair, let them live alienated from other people, let them be so sick they can't even understand Him, can't understand love?

Of course, no one has an answer, not even my mother.

She did say something very interesting though, and to me it was compelling: "We try to make 'them' be like 'us' when they can't. Instead we should realize that they can't be like us, and instead of making things harder we should be making their world a safer place."

AMEN.

I just have this huge privilege and burden called compassion. At least, that's what my therapist says.

But the thing is, people are people. I mean, obviously. But the people who will always live in an alternate universe, the ones who don't see the world "normally" are still people too. They still need love even though they quite possibly can't reciprocate, or even understand, it.

They're still people.

And because institutions identify people by their diagnosis(es), because the average person has no idea, because society itself stifles vulnerable honesty, someone needs to speak up. Someone needs to say, "You are a person, a valuable human being and I love you." Someone needs to say, "This person that you discount and malign? This person is my friend and I will fight for them." Someone needs to shout, "We are people! Don't overlook us!" And we all need to say, "I see you. You are priceless."

On the flip side though, everyone has the right to remove themselves from hurt/danger. When dealing with dramatic behavior, no one can afford to be naive. Everyone absolutely deserves safety. Everyone deserves to be treated as the precious, beloved, little one signed by God, that they are.

He loves everyone.

So should I.

Now I'm just waiting to see where this mission from God leads me.

May you all find your mission from God, that one cause that gets your pulse racing and your eyes watering, the single thing that you would fight for with your dying breath. And may you be radically victorious.

~Dolly

Am I a Good Samaritan?

Hello! Just imagine an introduction here: I have none. 😁

The Parable of the Good Samaritan

25 And behold, a certain lawyer stood up and tested Him, saying, “Teacher, what shall I do to inherit eternal life?”26 He said to him, “What is written in the law? What is your reading of it?”27 So he answered and said, “ ‘You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your strength, and with all your mind,’ and ‘your neighbor as yourself.’”28 And He said to him, “You have answered rightly; do this and you will live.”29 But he, wanting to justify himself, said to Jesus, “And who is my neighbor?”30 Then Jesus answered and said: “A certain man went down from Jerusalem to Jericho, and fell among thieves, who stripped him of his clothing, wounded him, and departed, leaving him half dead. 31 Now by chance a certain priest came down that road. And when he saw him, he passed by on the other side. 32 Likewise a Levite, when he arrived at the place, came and looked, and passed by on the other side. 33 But a certain Samaritan, as he journeyed, came where he was. And when he saw him, he had compassion. 34 So he went to him and bandaged his wounds, pouring on oil and wine; and he set him on his own animal, brought him to an inn, and took care of him. 35 On the next day, when he departed, he took out two denarii, gave them to the innkeeper, and said to him, ‘Take care of him; and whatever more you spend, when I come again, I will repay you.’ 36 So which of these three do you think was neighbor to him who fell among the thieves?”37 And he said, “He who showed mercy on him.”Then Jesus said to him, “Go and do likewise.”

I've been reading a book Alana, one of the youth leaders at church, gave me. It's A Glorious Dark by A.J. Swoboda, and it's definitely something I'd recommend! (Like, go read it. Now.)

Anyway, in one of the last chapters, Swoboda starts talking about the parable of The Good Samaritan. Y'know, the story Jesus tells to teach us all to be "Good Samaritans" to everybody around us, right? But then he goes into a story about his friend who visited Tanzania, which is a really low-economy, physically unhealthy country. And the Tanzanians were all like, "Good Samaritans? Yeah! Those are all the people who come and help us!"

They identified with the beat-up guy!

Which slightly stunned me. I had no idea that there even could be another perspective on this story!

But what if the Tanzanian perspective is closer, and we're all just helpless people bleeding in a ditch?

Later that evening I was talking to my cousin Daisi, and told her what I'd read. We both like hearing/thinking about perspectives beyond our own, so I thought she might find it interesting. While we were chatting, something hit me, and when I passed it on Daisi thought it sounded well-thought out. I had just come up with it off the top of my head. That's a pretty sure sign someone *cough, God, coughcough* came up with the idea, and someone not being me!

Here's what He mentioned:

What if Jesus is the Good Samaritan?
I mean, He was God and human: Samaritans were Jew and gentile. Jesus was a misunderstood outcast, attacked especially by the Jews: Samaritans were social outcasts, and the word "Samaritan" was banned from being spoken by Jews. (I think. Either way, the Jews HATED Samaritans.)

And in context of a devout Jew asking Jesus a question, it makes no sense that the young hotshot would see himself as the Samaritan in this story! He'd want to admit to identifying more with a beat up guy than a... Samaritan.

Which puts a whole 'nother spin on the story. Think of it this way:
We go through life, and at some point, everyone gets knocked out by something. That tragedy, struggle, loss, addiction, etc. that leaves us completely powerless. We turn to religion (the Priest) or our learned knowledge (the Levite) for help, but they can't offer any solutions. We're disillusioned, spiritually/emotionally bleeding, and have no way to fix anything. Then a Samaritan comes...Jesus. We've heard of Him. He wants to take charge of our lives, He claims to be God, He's supposed to have done unrealistically amazing things. But He's the only one who can help and heal us.

We don't save anyone. He saves us.

Ouch. That dings the pride a bit. But isn't that kinda the whole idea of the Bible? It turns our thinking upside-down. I don't know why I always assumed this was the one story that could feed my ego a bit, because that's the exact opposite of the rest of Scripture! Scripture is about God showing me exactly who I am: nothing until He saves me and makes me everything.

Just to clarify: I am NOT gonna start saying "You're wrong! This is what The Good Samaritan really means!" Just... Scripture is deeper than any first glance, and I love when God peels back a layer to show the gems underneath.

Man, isn't our God awesome!?!

Wanna praise Him with me? 😊😇😄

~Dolly

Bailey

God is pretty cool. 😊 I mean, he just works things out!

Case in point: Bailey.

Who is Bailey? Well, I have a story for you! *inserts circumlocution to retain reader attention*

I wanted a dog. Being all alone in an apartment all day gets kinda boring and, well, lonely. So after a discussion with the landlords 😉 I started scouring the internet. Craigslist, Shelter and Rescue sites... and then I saw this li'l white chihuahua with humongous ears and just slightly melted around the edges. And when there were a couple of delays, I was very worried that someone would snatch this darling from under my nose!

This is the picture that made me fall in love.

For instance, 2 days before we were going to go meet her, I got sick. Not cool, Lord!

But that's how we found out that the founder/boss of the rescue is a Christian, was praying over this dog, was specifically praying for a person like me, and would hold out on the other potential adopters until I came in since I contacted the shelter first. So, I guess it was ok, God. Not that you need my approval. But just so You know, You have it.

We went in the next week, or maybe 2 weeks later. And Bailey was super shy and I was a bit worried that this pitiful little thing would have a heart attack or something on the way home. Not quite, but I was worried! But when she started to relax and explore in the sunshine... oh my word!!! So cute!!! And when my Mom asked about maybe doing a week-long trial visit before official adoption, Ms. Marsha (the founder/boss of Hopes Haven and sister in Christ *insert rousing Hallelujah*) was like, "Yeah! You wanna take her home today?"

Well. THAT was unexpected. So I asked if we could pray first.

"Sure! In fact, I'd love to pray with you."

So we all three held hands and prayed. And then there were pictures, and li'l miss Bailey was put in a crate and taken "home". And instead of having a heart attack, she chilled the whole way! After we got home, I opened the crate and this tiny, helpless little furball climbed into my lap. Our fate was sealed.

And that's the story of how God gave me a dog.

He's blessed her since her arrival, too. Withing three days she was already becoming a little diva! She went from cowering to demanding belly rubs (for a solid and constant 2 minutes straight!) and from hiding to introducing herself, albeit tentatively, to new people. She makes everybody smile, especially the big, tough farm guys who see me carrying a tired chihuahua down the road. 😄

So, thank you Lord for working things out despite my anxieties and fear. You have a way of doing that. 😊

And dear reader, stop on in sometime and meet my little lady. You're welcome anytime! (Note, this is a meaningless trope to make you feel welcomed and included in my world. If you notice, I haven't given you my address. Did it work?)

~Dolly

P.S. If you follow Musings on Facebook, you can see occasional journal entries from Bailey herself!

Loved

I am loved.

Sometimes I just need a reminder.

But maybe not from a random guy on the sidewalk.

I mean, there I was, walking along with a group of friends. I'd dropped back to pull my hoodie on, and Kass had dropped back to join me.

Suddenly I felt arms around me, and saw a sleeve I didn't recognize. Everyone I knew was ahead of us, so. . . what the. . . ? I looked back. Straight into the face of a random guy who smelled like he was on. . . something. I thought it was realization that flickered across his face, realization that I wasn't who he thought I was. But then, as I kept walking he came around in front of us, looked me straight in the eyes and said, "I just. . . I love you," then walked off.

We kept walking.

"Did you know him?"

"Nope."

"Hey guys! Some random guy just hugged Dolly."

It was an unusual start to our hang-out time, to say the least.

But at least I knew I was loved! 😉😊😝

It felt strange, I guess, but not that strange. I 'm kinda used to it because random people have always walked up to me like they know me. Except, it was better when I was younger and still cute because then they handed me $20s. Ah, I miss the good old days. 😛

Yes, I'll admit it, I was spoiled. 😁 But honestly, I think it may have helped me be more susceptible to danger. Because, I think my only reaction to that stranger dude was to say "thank you" as he disappeared. #selfdefense ftw!

Thank goodness for Kassidy!!!

But this whole thing does raise a weird question. Why can I accept love from a random stranger better than from myself, or even God sometimes? Why would I totally be fine with some dude saying he loves me (bad idea, I know, but he just walked away), but I can't believe God, the only really safe One, when He says, "I love you, child"?

I mean, I could cite the reason that God's love doesn't always feel present. But it's not like that guy's around all the time to prove himself.

I could argue that circumstances seem to show that God's love isn't real. But is hugging a relatively helpless girl really showing love? (More like sexual assault, right?)

I think that it's because I can be totally fine knowing that dude doesn't really love me. But my whole life hangs on whether or not God loves me, so I have to keep making sure, testing the limits of His love to see if He's true.

I'd love to say He's never failed me, and it's probably true. But honestly, I can't say that with certainty right now. I'm under fire, and having to count on Him, and if I make it through this, then I will say,

"My God hasn't failed me yet. I'll face another day. His love for me is true and He is honest. I trust."

Until that day, I keep hanging on to Him because I have to. 

On that day, I will hang on to Him because He carried me.

Until I'm under fire again. . . Huh, humans, am I right?

~Dolly

Review

I feel a post welling up inside my heart. Or maybe I'm just needing chocolate. Well, this seems to be the healthier option, soooo. . . . Yeah, I dunno what this'll be about, honestly. Welcome to my brain!

Ok, where to start? MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

Alright, that's that. The (possible) post is firmly settled in my head now. I'll do one of those stereotypical "Year in Review"s. But please bear with me, because this post should be just as honest as the normal, occasional stuff I post here.

Let's see. . . what did happen this year?

I got my license! At this point, I've had it for over 6 months and can drive a few other people! This helps me pretend I can have a social life. The only problem is, going out with friends usually requires money. So I kinda keep running out. 2017 Resolution #1: Budgeting!!! Hahaha! 😅

I started this blog this year, so that's cool. I guess. Guys? Please tell me this is cool? Please? 😉 Also learned how to use emojis on here this year! Obviously.

And. . . we got kittens this year! And my (excuse me, our. Our family's) pets were just awesome and joy-inducing in general. Just look at them!

This is my fluffy. She made it through her injury this year, and is just as sweet and     

elegant as ever. She knows just how to          

comfort me by giving moral support without

                                             being too pushy.

 This Coco. She's much sweeter than the picture makes her look! She comes running to see me when I'm lonely, and wants nothing better than to snuggle and be loved.

This is Herbie. Isn't he cute? He's probably the most encouraging person. . . wait, no. Right. He's a dog. Well, he's almost the most encouraging thing in my life! Seriously, I'm about to cry just thinking of it.  His own personal happiness is simply contagious! He just loves people! And he's so careful of things he knows are physically vulnerable to him! Like kittens. Or me. 💗

 This is Ebony (Ebby (Ebs)) He's pretty new to us, but already dear. He's a bit of a cautious boy, and he's SO fluffy!!! Also, he absolutely loves playing with dangly things, which is adorable! He gets along with everyone by very sweetly manipulating them. 😂 But he's floofy and cuddly and sweet and adorable and therefore completely worth it! 💖 

This is Israel (Izzy (Iz)). He's a rambunctious little fellow who can sometimes annoy Cali. They're really close, though. But look at his lovely little face! He likes being petted, but gets impatient with the stillness required to be held and cuddled.

This is dear Cali. After her brother Theo died, she really got attached to us, and was lonely. Now her life has fulfillment again as a surrogate mama to Ebby and Izzy. She's so sweet! She really loves us and starts purring if we even start coming close to her, not even petting or holding her yet!

So those are some really great things from this year. But we also had to leave our church of many years, Grandpa and Grandma died really unexpectedly in a car wreck, and my depression got so. much. worse. 

So yeah, this was a rough year. Um, lemme rephrase that. Yeah, this year stank.

Ok, maybe I should just gloss over the negative stuff after all. I mean, it's almost Christmas! Everyone hypothetically appreciates honesty, I know. But ya'll probably don't want negativity (albeit honest) ruining the holidays for you. How selfish you are! I thought my readers would be better than that! 😜 Okay, yeah, I'll quit kidding around.

This summer was weird. I kinda couldn't work by myself all the time because of depression and separation anxiety. But then, my great friend Hannah and my relationship grew a ton! And she introduced me to some really fantastic tea! 

Another two-sided coin: We left our church of, like, 7 years! But now we've met so many other awesome people at Willamette Christian Center, and we're all learning and growing! It's so cool to see how God works things out!

I think our whole year was like that. Two-sided coins. It was so hard! But I also learned a lot. Unfortunately, lessons learned don't last as long as pain and scars. Well, I guess that's something to work on in the new year! Well, for the first week of it, anyway. 😅

Have Yourselves All Merry Little Christmases!

~Dolly

Focus!

My focus has been so off lately!

Oh, yeah, hi!

Basically I've been focusing almost entirely on me, even while praying for a shift away from that! It was honestly getting really frustrating because I actually do want to focus on God as center of my life. Also, I wanna be aware of other people and be able to care for them with Jesus' love. I can't do that if my eyes are on myself all the time!

The problem was, I knew what the problem was. Just not how to fix it! SO FRUSTRATING!

Last night God gave me a bit o' insight.

See, here I was, praying for change. For my focus to shift off of me. For God to work for me and in me so that I could serve Him better. He wants my help after all, right? And while He's at it, could I get a good night's sleep with a side of energy and encouragement in the morning?

Basically, the focus was still on me. I wanted to be a better little version of myself without putting in the effort. How self-centered is that?!?

Anyway, last night I prayed for 3 other people, only stopping on myself to ask forgiveness for sins and maybe to ask for something I was praying over someone else, for myself, too.

This morning, I woke up energized and encouraged. Because this time I put in the energy to concentrate on things beyond myself!

Something else, though. Just to try to keep things balanced out.

Those other prayers were not useless. After all, God's answering them! Even though they were selfish prayers, that just means I was still stuck in the problem. However, I was searching for a way out, genuinely wanting to do the right thing, just blind as to how to get there. I believe God honored the true heart behind them.

All that to say, I mostly included my first prayers in a kinda derogatory context to show a contrast. God gave me a gift of growth, an 'after', which can be seen most clearly when contrasted with the 'before'.

Anyway, I was just encouraged by what God showed me last night, and I'd like to (hopefully) encourage someone else. (aka you)

Keep seeking God, even when things are frustrating and every opportunity seems like a dead end. Keep asking, seeking, and knocking on His door. Basically, just bug God! I don't think, somehow, that He'll actually be annoyed. I mean, the Bible even says to bug Him until He gives us an answer! Jacob wrestled with God and was blessed, Jesus talked about a widow bugging a jerky judge until he gave a fair ruling, and He also told the story of a guy knocking on his friend's door in the middle of the night and getting what he needed because of his persistence!

God isn't zoning out, only paying attention if we bug Him enough. He loves us and takes care of us! But by bugging Him, we show our commitment to change, and He can work with that as we give ourselves to Him.

Hope you guys are encouraged and having as great of a day as I am so far! Thanks so much for reading, commenting, subscribing. . . oh wait, this isn't YouTube.

Love ya'll!

~Dolly

Thank You

Happy Thanksgiving! Here's another blog post that's more for me than you, isn't that exciting? 😄

Anyway, here's why: I'm not thankful enough! Surprise surprise, right? I mean, we all fall into that category at some point. I think.

So here are some things I'm thankful for:

I figured out how to get emojis into blog posts!

I still have a little bit of battery life on the laptop so I can stay in this comfy chair a bit longer.

Music.

Math is starting to make a bit of sense!

We don't need to fear our president-elect, ISIS, cancer, or anything else. We have a God who beat up death 💀 out in the parking lot! He can handle stuff. 😏😎

My parents are still in love. 💕

God's got me covered in His grace. He looks at my dirty, stinky self and calls me worthy and beloved! 😯

Chocolate.

Caffeine.

I'm physically healthy.

Someday my depression will be gone. Forever. I can't even imagine it. 😁

Tomorrow is a new start.

There are so many wonderful, loving people in my life!

Google.  🎵Google is my friend..🎶

Christmas!!!


And of course, lots more. 😊But this is a start.

Have a wonderful Thanksgiving, everyone!!!

~Dolly

Hopeless Dreams

Before you assume by the title that this is a negative post and skim past, STOP! :) It has a happy ending!

Okay, now that that's outta the way, I can get started.

This is an annoyingly rough season of life for me. I, like pretty much every other teenager, at least on the interwebs, am reaching toward adulthood while still clinging to childhood. It feels like hanging in air, holding tight to the future and the past, both of which are moving in different directions. Something's gotta give. And I'm afraid that it'll end up being me.

Add to that my uncertainty about my own emotional stability. I wanna reach toward the future, I really do, but what if I make plans, or actually move out or get a job or something and then depression or anxiety hits and I have no one to be there with me and I can't fulfill my own expectations/obligations which will increase anxiety and I fail a class or get fired? I'm just not yet mature enough to handle adulthood, even though I'm old enough to really, really wanna be in that part of life.

I just realized, as I was typing, that I've been afraid. See? Ya'll are walking my journeys with me!

Anyway.

I just got back from a youth retreat (What up, MyWillamette!) that was focused on fear, and running to Jesus instead of just running period or trying to power through alone.

The last night at campfire, Scott stopped playing guitar/singing "Break Every Chain" (which I slightly hate. Still. Read on.) and said that he felt like God had something to say to someone, he didn't know who. Basically, maybe someone was being chained by something and they just needed reassurance that God can break every chain that binds us. There is power in Jesus' name.

I don't know if that was meant for me, but God spoke to me anyway, and gave me this idea of broken hope. See, I'd been feeling so bound by circumstances, namely depression, that I'd completely given up. I'd entirely forgotten about the part where Jesus says to keep asking, keep bugging God about our problems until they're somehow resolved. I felt like God didn't wanna heal me, didn't care that I was hurting. And I listened to those lying feelings and believed them.

But.

He's showing me (Yes, I'm still learning this. That was just the start of the process.) that those were lies. He can heal me, and He wants to! Maybe my depression won't just go away, but God can heal my heart from this sense of betrayal and trust lost. He can heal my hope. That's the phrase that's been running through my head, and I love it because it's true.

Life's still hard and painful. But I have a God that is in my circumstances with me, but also outside them, and He has power over them! Talk about perspective!

Now comes the hard part of living like this is true. Just because I know something, doesn't mean I can put it into practice right away. I'm most definitely a fallible human bean! But there's still hope, because God's started showing me this truth, and I trust Him to finish this work He's begun in my life. (The Bible, somewhere. Phillipins 1:6- I found it!)

I guess, this was a really long way to say: "Thank You, Lord, for hope. I obviously can't make it through this life without it."


Thanks for reading!

~Dolly

Stereotypes, Example 1

Stereotype Challenge #1: Depression

If you know me, you probably think of me as a relatively happy person. That's the first myth of depression. You might not know that someone has it. I'm not constantly depressed, for one thing, and for another, I can sometimes hide it. But the biggest reason is this: If I'm depressed, you probably won't be there. I will be at home, slogging through it, and only the people closest to me will know.


The second myth, the one I encounter all the time in Christian circles, is that depression is purely spiritual or mental. I don't become depressed because of 'negative self-talk' or whatever; I berate myself, or allow Satan to berate me because the depression is already there. It makes me weaker, more open to spiritual attack, but my depression is not a purely spiritual problem.

Also, fixing the way I view myself will not fix the problem. It might make things slightly easier, but it definitely won't fix the problem.  Negativity is a symptom or by-product of depression, not the cause of it, and to just combat depression on a spiritual or mental level might not work for everyone.

One other thing: DO NOT accuse a depressed person of just not seeking God enough. It makes sense, apparently, because if someone is depressed, they must not be experiencing the 'joy of the Lord.' Thus, it follows that if I just pray enough, read my Bible enough, trust God enough, cast out enough spirits in the name of Jesus, or anything else you want to put in there, my depression will miraculously be gone!

But.

This is dangerously close to legalism. Also, I can't speak for everybody: we're all different, but I accuse myself enough already, especially when I'm depressed. (Negative self-talk, remember?) I don't want to come across as some accusatory know-it-all, so sorry if that's the case. I guess I'm just making an appeal to God's people to remember to act with grace. (And yeah, ok, I really need that reminder too, especially with how this blog post is going. )


Closely related to that myth is the thought that there is always (or almost always) an obvious mental or emotional cause for depression.

Depression doesn't need a reason. It can strike out at anyone, and the church (including myself) needs to learn how to empathize.

Some people do have depression battles stemming from intense grief or trauma, but others may be depressed because of hormones or other physical reasons that are less obvious. The question, "What do you have to be depressed for?" can't always be answered. When I was asked that (by someone I love dearly), my life was pretty easy and good. There were no obvious "reasons" for my depression. It just was.

Honestly, my life is still pretty easy. I shouldn't struggle with depression, right? My parents love me and the Lord, I'm at a healthy church, and no one's bullying me or anything. Not only that, but I am seeking God. Depression just doesn't always mean that a person's life is terrible.


Fourthly, depression is not my, or anyone else's identity. It is a disease, a handicap we struggle against. Honestly, non-depressed people probably already agree with this. It's for those of us in the middle of the problem, that I write this. Depression is not my fault, or your fault. Just like a person with a physical handicap can live life, they just need to work a little harder on some things than other people, so we with an emotional handicap can live life, it's just a lot (yes, I'll admit it) harder for us than for some other people.

We can't control that. And just as someone with paralyzed legs can use a wheelchair, we should use the resources available to us. Whether those be emotional/spiritual counselling, natural medicine, or drugs, there are options for us. I know that sometimes it's quite literally impossible to think rationally or make any sort of decisions. I've been there waaayyyy too many times! So, one of the biggest resources to utilize, is other people. People who at least somewhat understand and/or are willing to learn how life is for you and what can be done to help. Mostly just people you know you can depend on to make good decisions when you can't.

For non-depressed people, I guess I'd just ask you to be the kind of person others can count on in their times of need. It's something we all long to do, I think. We want to be useful and helpful to the people around us, right?

Well, you are. When you listen and love and don't judge, you are doing exactly what God designed you to do. Thank you for that.

Farewell! Hope this made some semblence of sense!

~Dolly

God at Eventide (and Hard Times)

Everyone has (or should have) that one place they can get away to and think. For me that's my bed at night when I should be sleeping. Insomnia ftw! Sometimes I think about a certain friend I'm grateful for or worried about, a problem or joyful happening in my own life, or I just mentally solve world problems.

I was doing that last night, thinking about all the suffering in the world and how that can be such a huge obstacle for people when they try to get a good look at God. And in my head I was just all like, "Well, God made everything perfect and we messed it up and He's not gonna do anything to violate our freewill, so in the end, it's our fault and God's still great and cool and perfect."

And then I stopped. Because that is such a pat answer, and no wonder some people get annoyed at us Christians for trying to look like we have it all together. The thing is, I absolutely hate oversimplified, mental answers to complicated, heart problems. While they may be more or less true, they don't satisfy because they come across as so shallow. Also, I (very humbly) pride myself on being a pretty open, transparent person. That annoying person who responds honestly to, "How are you?" with, "I'm really exhausted and depressed today, how are you?" (Insert brave smile here.)

I can be honest on that because it's pretty simple. No existential crisis there! But the big, heart-wrenching, gut-twisting questions we encounter when seeing an innocent child suffer? Who has a really satisfying answer? I just realized that I've been covering up and sticking band-aids on these things when they need hardcore stitches.

So, last night, in bed, I let go of any illusion of having all the pieces in place. I don't have an answer, except to do what I can to help the person next to me. Not much of an answer, is it? Well, it's all I've got. I warned you already that I don't know everything yet!

Then I prayed, begging God to look at this poor, little, hurting, bruised and bleeding world. At each hurting, bruised, and bleeding heart. I prayed for healing and truth to shine through. I prayed love over people I should (?) hate, because they have a story, and because God loves them. I prayed for conviction of sin, too. And I told God straight up that I don't have any clue what's up with all this. I told Him I sure hope He's got some good answers for all this. (Good answers being the ones that He's famous for, the ones that cut straight to the heart.)

And then I read my Bible a little and went to sleep.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I might just go read The Case for Faith by Lee Strobel and lick my apologetic wounds.

~Dolly

Self-Grace, Self-Indulgence, Self-Accusation

I just recently started to grasp the idea of self-grace, or basically just cutting myself some slack.

I've always been such a perfectionist with myself that I would become physically sick when I felt like I'd messed up. I did realize that my stomach-aches and/or headaches were stress-related, but that knowledge didn't make the symptoms any easier. Instead, my brain would start to desperately search for answers, but only be able to see flaws in all of them. This has been especially infuriating for my family, because to them, a solution is just so simple and easy, but I just haven't been able to accept that. I'd get so worked up that I couldn't see a way out.

Then this past week came. I'd been slowly growing in the balance between being harsh with myself, and giving my self free reign.

Anyway, this past week was really hard. I was exhausted, my brain pretty much ceased functioning, and I was feeling depressed. These are all things I've beaten myself up over. "You're lazy." "You're stupid." "Quit just giving in to self-pity."

But somehow, for once, I went into survival mode and just cut myself some slack. I skipped about half my school work, entirely abandoned my chores, and gave up on internet time restrictions. Now, for any teens who might be reading, and might be tempted to use this as an excuse to do the same. . . no! I mean, if you're just having a bad day, this is not the treatment plan I'd really recommend. (Besides, your mom probably knows me, and I don't wanna get in trouble!) :)

However, this was a big, like, huge deal for me! I couldn't even cope with basic life functions. And this was the first time I've quit fighting, and just let myself be. I'm exhausted? I can rest. My brain isn't working right? I can let it take a break. I'm depressed? Fine. I can't change any of this, so why fight it? Just let it be, and cope with what I can do, and what I have.

Then came the end of last week and beginning of this week.

And I started feeling a little better, and I tried to go back to normal and found out I was. . . just slightly. . . addicted. Bummer. This is where self-indulgence comes in, because that's what my self-grace turned in to. This is also where self-indulgence usually starts becoming self-accusation.

But!

By God's grace and with His help, the cycle has been (at least temporarily) broken! And, for now, I'll take it!

Because this time, instead of pointing fingers of disgust at myself for failing, I realized that this is part of a learning curve, and I can move on, unencumbered by shame and misplaced guilt. And here's the really cool part: I prayed for help. Okay, that's not too exciting, since that's part of life, but. . . I got help! As in, God started helping me grow in self-control! And in three days, I'm almost back to normal on that front!

Just to clarify, this isn't some starry-eyed, naive view of things. My exhaustion and mental blocks aren't gone, but they're a bit better. I really don't believe it's God's will for my mental/emotional struggles to miraculously disappear. That's discouraging. Majorly. But, I can look at what He's teaching me, and I choose to, because in this discouraging world, that's one little bit of encouragement.

Thanks for reading! May you always seek God, and may He keep teaching you!

~Dolly