The First Year

 A little over two weeks ago, Zeb and I celebrated our first anniversary.

We went to the zoo to see baby elephant Tula-Tu for our anniversary. I wore my elephant pants. 😁

It's weird to me how long we've known each other. This is my first time going through this process- falling in love, committing to someone, creating a home together... so on one hand it's hard to believe we've known each other long enough to do these things. We've only really known each other for a few years, so how in the world have we gotten this far already?? On the other hand, we've been through so many changes that it seems like we met a lifetime ago. I think it's like anything that changes our lives or shapes our identity in a new way. 

It feels like it happened yesterday and also forever ago.

One piece of very sage advice I got from a dear friend (thank you Pastor Brenda!) when Zeb and I first got married, was this:

"Don't start anything new in your first year."

Boy, did we not follow that one.

We both got involved in helping a new Celebrate Recovery group off the ground. I think they started meeting maybe a week or two before we got married? That's involved leadership roles, problem-solving and crisis management, and healthy discussions and feedback. We've joined a completely new community, which is amazing and also takes a bit of work. 

Speaking of work, Zeb does that. This past year he stepped up into a more managerial role, in an industry he had never worked in until he got this job two years ago. It's a good fit for his interests and skills, but there's a lot of learning and unpredictability and problems. Equipment breaks down, people get sick, trucks come early or run late... and Zeb has to adapt and problem-solve and figure it out. And I have to figure out how to be a supportive partner: When do I deliver a meal versus remind him that he needs to take a break from the warehouse? When do I listen to him talk through his day, as opposed to helping him solve a problem?

Both of these areas of our lives take a lot of mental energy and flexibility. I've learned a lot about stepping out in confidence when I'm not sure what I'm doing, exactly. And I'm learning to also step back sometimes, and not try to keep everyone and everything from potentially falling apart.

We also haven't really slowed down socially. We don't live in a place that lets me just host campfires every summer weekend , like I used to do at the farm. But in some ways that means I've just put more energy into maintaining my relationships, and building new ones. Zeb's an introvert and our apartment isn't that big, so we don't host big groups, really. But almost every week I'll have someone over, or we'll go do something with friends, or I'll go visit someone... 

Somehow in the middle of all of that, we've had to set up a home, and a marriage that's supposed to last a lifetime. That's a really big task to fit into the occasional Tuesday evening.

A week or two ago Zeb suggested, "Let's do our first year, this year."

A genius idea, but how in the world do we even start to do that? We're looking at areas that we can pare down on, but it's difficult. Everything feels so important. 

One thing that does seem clear is that God isn't asking us to be as involved with CR this coming year. The group is much more established, and other members of the group can see gaps to fill, that I previously felt alone in noticing. My goal was always to set up the music aspect with some functional infrastructure, and then reevaluate after a year. I think that's been accomplished enough that I can let go a bit, but that's so hard! I naturally want to organize things and hold everything together, and it's really difficult to let go of the combination of controlling tendencies and worrying "what-if?" thoughts.

Like I said earlier, I'm learning to step back, and let things be what they will be. Key word there being learning. Maybe it would be more accurate to say, "I need to learn to step back." Throughout this past year I've had so many opportunities to practice letting go, and every time, Hannah needs to try to drive the point home: "You don't have to do it all," and every time I need that consistent reminder. Without her, I don't know if I would even really recognize how often I want to get in over my head with logistics and planning and communicating and....

This is another opportunity to practice and learn, and I don't like it. letting go is a skill I need, and want, to learn. Good luck to me, I guess.

If any of you have found yourselves in a position to slow life down a bit, I have a question:

How did you approach that?

I think it's a somewhat common refrain that life gets too full and we need to slow down. But I haven't seen a lot of people who feel an ability to actually change the overwhelming pace of their life. So, if you do have a sense of agency over the pace of your life, I would love some insight into your approach or thought process, or any concrete steps you've taken.

I miss baking random fancy things, and hiking to waterfalls, and going for impromptu drives to just smell the clover fields or see the valley from Washburn Heights lookout. And driving to see friends that live a few hours away! Hopefully this year I'll be able to do more of those things. They nourish my soul and help me establish a sense of identity that isn't just connected to productivity. I need that.

It'll be hard though. I might go back to freezing up a bit when people ask what I do. I'll have to untangle my sense of identity from that sense of productivity, and I think it'll be hard to avoid the trap of feeling helpless, or like a failure. But growing pains are usually worth it in the end, so I'll do my best. And I'll have to keep praying, "God, this (ministry, person I love, my own life, etc.) is Yours. Help me not try to hold onto it myself."

~Dolly

Resolution?

 Hi!

I started this blog post in my head while I was washing dishes just a bit ago, so we'll see if I can hold onto those wispy thoughts long enough to solidify them here. At the moment I'm sitting upstairs in our office/guest room/Izzy's room, with a cup of English Breakfast that has a pump of raspberry syrup in it. The desk is clean except for a couple neat piles of Zeb's DnD stuff. Hopefully my brain can stay similarly organized.

I was thinking about New Year's and resolutions and fresh starts and all the things that a blogger would normally ponder at this time of year. Mostly I was recognizing how little I care about all of that this year. In years past it was all such a big deal to me. I would bullet journal, and set goals, and stay up 'til midnight praying and dreaming for better days ahead. And I would put it all in very spiritual or (attempted ) eloquent terms, but the truth behind the words was sometimes desperation. Or longing. Or whatever it was, it was almost always a bit bittersweet.

This year at the stroke of midnight, I rolled over in bed and kissed Zeb while the neighbors rang cowbells and set off fireworks outside. We shared a laugh and settled in to sleep.

Neither spiritual nor elegant. But also not desperate with longing for better things.

I haven't set any goals for this fresh new year. And I kept wondering why I don't really care, until I was washing dishes this morning.

I don't want anything new. I want more of the same.

2024 has been full of dinners with friends, creating a home, washing dishes and folding comfy clothes. I've learned more about myself, become less codependent and less just... normal dependent, and started to believe that I'm not a burden to everyone. Even if I can only believe it in small doses for now. 

I've made friends and connected with neighbors. I've seen people around me pursue their dreams and goals with tenacity and tender hearts. I'm so proud of all their accomplishments.

Zeb and I have both grown, and so has our relationship. It's so cool when I can say, "I'm gonna give you some space," before he needs to ask, or he knows which prescription to pick up for me before I tell him. It's become our instinct to fill in the gaps for each other when one of us isn't at our best. I love that about our relationship.

My panics have been steadily less frequent and less intense. My ability to listen when other people reassure me has grown. 

I've learned a lot about being both a team player and a leader in my role with Celebrate Recovery. Being a coordinator puts me squarely in that cross-section of telling people what to do and keeping things organized, and making sure I'm listening to everyone and leaving plenty of room for individual abilities, styles, and ideas. I've learned to consider my own limits when I feel a need to step up, and I've had a lot of help with trying to navigate that.

I've drunk more water.

Oh! I've done creative stuff and learned some new hobbies this past year! Zeb got me started playing Stardew Valley with him and that's been really fun. If we get another cat or little dog someday, we might name it Junimo. I've also crocheted, painted, sewed, embroidered, mended, sculpted just a little, scrapbooked, baked new things, made fun lattes and such, and probably a bunch of other projects I can't remember now.

And I've learned so many things! I'm so lucky to have people in my life who have diverse passions, knowledge, and skillsets; and who love to answer questions! And I've opened my mind to more of who God might be! There's so much to explore with that, from apologetics to deconstruction to spiritual experiences that don't fit cleanly into religious categories. 

There's so much more. People who gave me love and support and guidance and advice. Adventures we've had with friends. Animals I got to pet (yes that's important enough to make it on the list.)

...

I don't know what 2025 will hold. In the midst of national and global unsettledness, I want to hold onto these good things.

My relationships with family, friends, and the wonderful people who blur the lines between the two categories. I want to keep getting to know our neighbors and their pets, too. That's been really fun this year. My favorite little guy is a corgi mix (I think) who always comes to the screen door to see if I'm available to give him pets. His name is Dancy.

I want to cherish Zeb, Bailey, Izzy, and our home. I've learned so much about being a good partner and creating a life with another person, and oh, I love our life so much. I want to treasure it and nurture it, and I'm not always great at that and I want to keep learning more. I want to keep making new foods and returning to comforting classics. I want to kiss fuzzy little heads and whisper, I love you's.

Curiosity, creativity, and questions are so important to me, and I want to have plenty of room for them in my life; both my questions and others'. I want to tackle new, fulfilling projects.

I want to continue learning to stabilize myself when I feel off-kilter. I want to feed the bits of confidence and self-value that are starting to grow.

I want to keep growing and learning who I am. So many bits and pieces of my identity have sort of fallen into place and nestled themselves into my soul this past year. It's cool to just watch that happen, unforced and free.

That's basically it. I'm not longing for better days.

I just want more days like these. The good days are already here. Not all days are good, but the bad days are less overwhelming and less frequent than in years past.

And I will absolutely take that. And run, in case something tries to take the good days away again, lol

Thanks for reading. I hope 2025 is compassionate to all of us.

~Dolly