In Review

Wow... I've officially had a blog for a year!

So far there've been:
3 Facelifts
23 Posts Published
55 Facebook Followers (Increase the number here) 😉
and a LOT of Things learned. Things like:
How to use emojis on blogger 😑😶😀😏🌝😻🙀😸💓💁💚💛💜 (etc., etc.)
How to make posts accessible
How to write clearly
and very importantly, How to be honest. Because that's hard, especially here on the interwebs.

I've shared about my dreams and struggles and other stuff. Not everything of course, but. . . enough, I guess. So here's where my life's at now:

I'm still living in the little shop apartment with Bailey. It's been fun! Not exactly sunshine and roses though. My house is a mess, (and I don't say that lightly) Bailey and I both have anxiety issues, and I really hate washing dishes. If I'm not careful to regulate Bailey and my routine, she has an annoying tendency to pee on my clothes or poop on the floor. And until maybe a week ago (when my best friend saved my knees and back from hours of scrubbing) the bathroom floor was covered in dried kitten diarrhea. It smelled amazing! 🙄😷😑

I've mostly graduated high school. . . Just the scariest part to go! #GED #MathAndScience I'd love to get a job, honestly, but finishing the GED test comes first. And then learning to properly keep house. As in, consistently. And then, maybe I'll believe I have what it takes to enter the workforce! Of course, that's all my plan. God might very well have something else up His sleeve, and if so, I'll probably kick and scream and then write a lovely blog post about His plan- once I settle down.

Spiritually I feel like Habakkuk, crying,

How long, LORD, must I call for help, but you do not listen? Or cry out to you, 'Violence!' but you do not save? 

Why do you make me look at injustice? Why do you tolerate wrongdoing? Destruction and violence are before me; there is strife, and conflict abounds. 

Therefore the law is paralyzed, and justice never prevails. The wicked hem in the righteous, so that justice is perverted.

These verses just. . . resonate with me. I know I'm not the only of God's small ones that raises a cry. We look around and then shout, "Daddy God! Look! Violence- people are killing each other and wounding hearts and look at all of us down here bleeding! Government isn't working, we don't trust our leaders, and right and wrong are so tangled we can hardly tell what's what! ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING?"

And of course, we know He is listening. I think. 😕 He must be, because I believe His reply to Habakkuk is still valid for me, right now.

“Look at the nations and watch— and be utterly amazed. For I am going to do something in your days that you would not believe, even if you were told. ..."

So, I'll try to wait. I'm watching.

Y'know, all this time I thought Habakkuk was just kinda. . . stuck in there. Like filler material with a conveniently laughable name. In fact, I felt that way about most of the minor prophets. Then, of course, I gave myself a challenge of reading through them all. (Not for any spiritual reason. I just wanna be able to say that I've read the whole Bible except Song of Songs so I can quit being such a disappointment to our youth pastor.)

But it's been good. And now I hafta go home to my house and quit using my parents' internet.

Goodnight everyone! I might not know you, but I love you! If that makes sense. . . Whatever. Byeee~!

~Dolly

Bailey

God is pretty cool. 😊 I mean, he just works things out!

Case in point: Bailey.

Who is Bailey? Well, I have a story for you! *inserts circumlocution to retain reader attention*

I wanted a dog. Being all alone in an apartment all day gets kinda boring and, well, lonely. So after a discussion with the landlords 😉 I started scouring the internet. Craigslist, Shelter and Rescue sites... and then I saw this li'l white chihuahua with humongous ears and just slightly melted around the edges. And when there were a couple of delays, I was very worried that someone would snatch this darling from under my nose!

This is the picture that made me fall in love.

For instance, 2 days before we were going to go meet her, I got sick. Not cool, Lord!

But that's how we found out that the founder/boss of the rescue is a Christian, was praying over this dog, was specifically praying for a person like me, and would hold out on the other potential adopters until I came in since I contacted the shelter first. So, I guess it was ok, God. Not that you need my approval. But just so You know, You have it.

We went in the next week, or maybe 2 weeks later. And Bailey was super shy and I was a bit worried that this pitiful little thing would have a heart attack or something on the way home. Not quite, but I was worried! But when she started to relax and explore in the sunshine... oh my word!!! So cute!!! And when my Mom asked about maybe doing a week-long trial visit before official adoption, Ms. Marsha (the founder/boss of Hopes Haven and sister in Christ *insert rousing Hallelujah*) was like, "Yeah! You wanna take her home today?"

Well. THAT was unexpected. So I asked if we could pray first.

"Sure! In fact, I'd love to pray with you."

So we all three held hands and prayed. And then there were pictures, and li'l miss Bailey was put in a crate and taken "home". And instead of having a heart attack, she chilled the whole way! After we got home, I opened the crate and this tiny, helpless little furball climbed into my lap. Our fate was sealed.

And that's the story of how God gave me a dog.

He's blessed her since her arrival, too. Withing three days she was already becoming a little diva! She went from cowering to demanding belly rubs (for a solid and constant 2 minutes straight!) and from hiding to introducing herself, albeit tentatively, to new people. She makes everybody smile, especially the big, tough farm guys who see me carrying a tired chihuahua down the road. 😄

So, thank you Lord for working things out despite my anxieties and fear. You have a way of doing that. 😊

And dear reader, stop on in sometime and meet my little lady. You're welcome anytime! (Note, this is a meaningless trope to make you feel welcomed and included in my world. If you notice, I haven't given you my address. Did it work?)

~Dolly

P.S. If you follow Musings on Facebook, you can see occasional journal entries from Bailey herself!

Killing It! (Not Quite Literally)

Thanks for the great pics, Jessica K.! Love you!

I feel so grown-up! 😊

Story Time:

Mom and I went shopping today, which we haven't done for a LONG time because she's been sick. Our main reason for heading to town was to look for a very specific, very bright, very orange shade of paint. However, Mom thought we'd better head to the WinCo next door so we could say we did something useful.

So. We headed to Wilco first, since they have a huge paint selection, and I accidentally picked the perfect color first try. There was much excitement. A sample can was bought. 😇 Also, we were super excited to find a pale, lemon yellow. (as opposed to a butter yellow.) A lemon yellow is more of a "true" yellow, while the butter tones have a creaminess that dilutes their cheeriness. They're more soothingly warm than brightly invigorating, and brightly invigorating is what we're going for. I think that actually describes Mom's character almost as well as her color preferences!

Can you tell we both like color? 😅

Where was I going with this? Oh right!

We headed on to Winco. Found Orange Spice Black Tea in bulk and got groceries for our 1.5 households. And I got whole mushrooms and a cherry tomato plant! #SimplePleasures 💗

But then. . . Did I mention that Mom's been sick? Well, her energy hasn't fully returned yet.

She had to take a break before we got everything. Being the soon-to-be-adult, loving daughter that I am, I volunteered to go and finish getting groceries so Mom wouldn't hafta feel pressured to get going again. She gave me her list, and off I went!

The cart was heavy. And wanted to go any direction but straight. Which means that there I was, purposefully pushing a swerving cart while grunting and groaning and straining to make corners and muttering things like, "Oh goodness." "Whoops." "Come ON!"

I don't really blame people for getting outta my way. 😁

But.

I FINDED EVERYTHING! And it didn't take too long! Although, I'm pretty sure I got done so expediently because I was walking through my own personal Red Sea. (AKA People were parting before me and I walked through on dry land.) 😏

But when I got back, I was very proud of me for saving the day. 💪 I was pushing a large cart in an unfamiliar store by myself for the first time in anything bigger than Halsey's Select Market. Which isn't a big deal, probably. But I was impressed! 😜

It's just another (albeit small) step to getting where I'm gonna be. And progress, no matter how minuscule, is progress. So I will choose to be encouraged by the little things in life, the small accomplishments, because big leaps in life are few and far between. Living for them is just discouraging after awhile.

I choose to let me be encouraged.

So there.

Cuz this Grown-Up-ness stuff? I'm killing it. Especially since I managed to not kill anyone with a grocery cart this afternoon.

~Dolly

Growin' Up

[Disclaimer: I haven't even come close to experiencing the 2nd verse yet!]

        

Life is a weird thing. We spend the first good chunk of it running to our parent(s) when something goes wrong. Hurting heart? Mo-om! Crashed the car? Um. . . Daddy?

And then we get to that weird mystery land of adulthood, and long chats on the bed with Mom turn into rushed phone calls, and days puttering around with Dad become "I wish. . . maybe this weekend?"

And somewhere in between we get stuck in the no-man's-land of growing up. Where we wanna run home to Mom and Dad, cuz we still need them. But then we wanna learn to be independent, so we're practicing that too. And somehow we (Or, me. Have you noticed I'm just talking about myself, yet?) always end up running in the wrong direction. Like, "I need to grow up and learn to face things, so I will sit through this anxiety attack without doing something dumb," but then, "Man, I really need chocolate right now. I'll just go over and see if Mom feels like sharing," and also, "Internet!!!!"

I know, it may be hard to see what could possibly be backwards in my priorities. 😄 And even harder to see why "my" truck is out of gas. 😆

I'll let ya just figure it out, since I'm a lazy author. (Have you noticed the posts getting shorter?)

Back to the subject at hand: I could just keep complaining(ish), I guess.

But, ya know what? This weird limbo-land is working: I'm learning some things! Like how to set boundaries, since I'm growing past the point where my parents can do that for me all the time. Or . . . I might as well make it a list. 😑

I'm Learning About:

• Setting boundaries. We talked about that already.
• Cleaning! Because there's no one else to blame a mess on!
• Self-Control. Because who else is gonna make me behave? I hafta be responsible. 😒
• Cooking. With very few ingredients, and with nutrition in mind. Because, as tempting as it is, I actually can't live off of Cheez-Its and Lindor Truffles, apparently. I know! I was shocked too! But on the plus side crepes are WAY easier than I thought they'd be!
• Patience. As in, "Put off 'til tomorrow what you could technically do at 11:30 tonight."

So,maybe this age-old (?) rite if passage isn't just an annoying li'l speed-bump to get over with as soon as humanly possible.

However, that's exactly how I wanna deal with it, so there!

Never mind. Apparently I'm not entirely prepped for grown-up-ness yet.  I'll keep working on that.

Letting you know how that goes, it's. . .

~Dolly

P.S. I know I'm posting a lot about transitions and stuff lately (see Lifekins, for example), but that's just where I'm at: settling into a new home and all the stuff that goes along with that. You can check out other posts to the right if you're tired of this theme!

Lifekins

Life can still be cool.

Hi there! I'm sure, because of my inflated blogger ego, that absolutely everyone is just dying to know what's been happening since that last post where that weirdo hugged me! Well, here I am to satisfy your deep cravings to know exactly what I think of my small little corner of the world. 😇

Sarcastic much? Of coouuurrrse not!      

So, what has been up, to use the vernacular of young ones?

I am going to a counselor! She's pretty fantastic. 😊 Good at listening, practical enough to give good advice, but emotional enough to relate to. I've only gone to two sessions so far, and Mom was in at least part of both of them. It always makes me happy when other people like my parents and can accept that I respect them. At least somewhat, anyway. Not like I'm some saintly model daughter or anything.

Also. . . I got a psychic evaluation! 😁 No, I is kidding. And still spiritually safe. It was psychiatric. After just a couple minutes of talking to the guy, he said, "I know exactly what's going on, and I know exactly what to do about it. Probably never expected to hear that from a shrink, huh?" Yeah, he's not your average pysche dude. Which is definitely cool.

Last, but most importantly, perhaps. . . I MOVEDED OUTS!!!!

ish.

So, I'm living in the apartment in the shop on our property. Mom and Dad are still paying for me. I'm still following all the rules and everything. So. . . not really independent. It's more of my emotional retreat from the busy, crazy world. I have time to cook and clean and learn how to do adult-y things. Sort of a trial run of adulthood!

So, that's what's been happening!

But my blogger ego, as stated before, is inflated, so I betcha wanna know not only where I am in life, but where I wanna go! Well, here I come, once again ready to satisfy your curiosity!

Well, hopefully the psych stuff starts paying off, and I can get a job that also starts paying. 😊Maybe at JC's Dutch Bros. . . 😏 to start.

Then I wanna invest in a car, or pay for a car if I already need one to get to work.

Once I'm earning some $, I'll be paying the parentals for rent, food utilities, etc. The goal (obviously) is to become financially and emotionally independent! I mean, emotionally I'll need people. Everyone does! But I need to be able to get through depression or anxiety attacks safely, whether or not Mommy's there to hold me and talk through it. I need to pull up my big-girl pants. . . skirt, and be responsible. Or whatever. 😉

So, that's where I'm wanting to head short-term. Long-term? (Cuz ya'll are still curious, I'm sure.)

I wanna go to college! Maybe.

If I do end up in that mess, I might go for interior design or psychology. Slightly different options, I know! 😄 But I think design would utilize my creativity. However, psychology absolutely fascinates me! But I already discuss it enough that I'm pretty sure I'd drive everybody crazy with it if it was "my thing", plus, it'd probably get super emotionally burdening. So yeah. But those are the two options I've been looking at for a few months, at least.

So, yeah! Life!

I think that's it. And I hafta go to my li'l home now, where there is no blessed internet.

So see ya!

~Dolly

Loved

I am loved.

Sometimes I just need a reminder.

But maybe not from a random guy on the sidewalk.

I mean, there I was, walking along with a group of friends. I'd dropped back to pull my hoodie on, and Kass had dropped back to join me.

Suddenly I felt arms around me, and saw a sleeve I didn't recognize. Everyone I knew was ahead of us, so. . . what the. . . ? I looked back. Straight into the face of a random guy who smelled like he was on. . . something. I thought it was realization that flickered across his face, realization that I wasn't who he thought I was. But then, as I kept walking he came around in front of us, looked me straight in the eyes and said, "I just. . . I love you," then walked off.

We kept walking.

"Did you know him?"

"Nope."

"Hey guys! Some random guy just hugged Dolly."

It was an unusual start to our hang-out time, to say the least.

But at least I knew I was loved! 😉😊😝

It felt strange, I guess, but not that strange. I 'm kinda used to it because random people have always walked up to me like they know me. Except, it was better when I was younger and still cute because then they handed me $20s. Ah, I miss the good old days. 😛

Yes, I'll admit it, I was spoiled. 😁 But honestly, I think it may have helped me be more susceptible to danger. Because, I think my only reaction to that stranger dude was to say "thank you" as he disappeared. #selfdefense ftw!

Thank goodness for Kassidy!!!

But this whole thing does raise a weird question. Why can I accept love from a random stranger better than from myself, or even God sometimes? Why would I totally be fine with some dude saying he loves me (bad idea, I know, but he just walked away), but I can't believe God, the only really safe One, when He says, "I love you, child"?

I mean, I could cite the reason that God's love doesn't always feel present. But it's not like that guy's around all the time to prove himself.

I could argue that circumstances seem to show that God's love isn't real. But is hugging a relatively helpless girl really showing love? (More like sexual assault, right?)

I think that it's because I can be totally fine knowing that dude doesn't really love me. But my whole life hangs on whether or not God loves me, so I have to keep making sure, testing the limits of His love to see if He's true.

I'd love to say He's never failed me, and it's probably true. But honestly, I can't say that with certainty right now. I'm under fire, and having to count on Him, and if I make it through this, then I will say,

"My God hasn't failed me yet. I'll face another day. His love for me is true and He is honest. I trust."

Until that day, I keep hanging on to Him because I have to. 

On that day, I will hang on to Him because He carried me.

Until I'm under fire again. . . Huh, humans, am I right?

~Dolly

Focus!

My focus has been so off lately!

Oh, yeah, hi!

Basically I've been focusing almost entirely on me, even while praying for a shift away from that! It was honestly getting really frustrating because I actually do want to focus on God as center of my life. Also, I wanna be aware of other people and be able to care for them with Jesus' love. I can't do that if my eyes are on myself all the time!

The problem was, I knew what the problem was. Just not how to fix it! SO FRUSTRATING!

Last night God gave me a bit o' insight.

See, here I was, praying for change. For my focus to shift off of me. For God to work for me and in me so that I could serve Him better. He wants my help after all, right? And while He's at it, could I get a good night's sleep with a side of energy and encouragement in the morning?

Basically, the focus was still on me. I wanted to be a better little version of myself without putting in the effort. How self-centered is that?!?

Anyway, last night I prayed for 3 other people, only stopping on myself to ask forgiveness for sins and maybe to ask for something I was praying over someone else, for myself, too.

This morning, I woke up energized and encouraged. Because this time I put in the energy to concentrate on things beyond myself!

Something else, though. Just to try to keep things balanced out.

Those other prayers were not useless. After all, God's answering them! Even though they were selfish prayers, that just means I was still stuck in the problem. However, I was searching for a way out, genuinely wanting to do the right thing, just blind as to how to get there. I believe God honored the true heart behind them.

All that to say, I mostly included my first prayers in a kinda derogatory context to show a contrast. God gave me a gift of growth, an 'after', which can be seen most clearly when contrasted with the 'before'.

Anyway, I was just encouraged by what God showed me last night, and I'd like to (hopefully) encourage someone else. (aka you)

Keep seeking God, even when things are frustrating and every opportunity seems like a dead end. Keep asking, seeking, and knocking on His door. Basically, just bug God! I don't think, somehow, that He'll actually be annoyed. I mean, the Bible even says to bug Him until He gives us an answer! Jacob wrestled with God and was blessed, Jesus talked about a widow bugging a jerky judge until he gave a fair ruling, and He also told the story of a guy knocking on his friend's door in the middle of the night and getting what he needed because of his persistence!

God isn't zoning out, only paying attention if we bug Him enough. He loves us and takes care of us! But by bugging Him, we show our commitment to change, and He can work with that as we give ourselves to Him.

Hope you guys are encouraged and having as great of a day as I am so far! Thanks so much for reading, commenting, subscribing. . . oh wait, this isn't YouTube.

Love ya'll!

~Dolly

Hopeless Dreams

Before you assume by the title that this is a negative post and skim past, STOP! :) It has a happy ending!

Okay, now that that's outta the way, I can get started.

This is an annoyingly rough season of life for me. I, like pretty much every other teenager, at least on the interwebs, am reaching toward adulthood while still clinging to childhood. It feels like hanging in air, holding tight to the future and the past, both of which are moving in different directions. Something's gotta give. And I'm afraid that it'll end up being me.

Add to that my uncertainty about my own emotional stability. I wanna reach toward the future, I really do, but what if I make plans, or actually move out or get a job or something and then depression or anxiety hits and I have no one to be there with me and I can't fulfill my own expectations/obligations which will increase anxiety and I fail a class or get fired? I'm just not yet mature enough to handle adulthood, even though I'm old enough to really, really wanna be in that part of life.

I just realized, as I was typing, that I've been afraid. See? Ya'll are walking my journeys with me!

Anyway.

I just got back from a youth retreat (What up, MyWillamette!) that was focused on fear, and running to Jesus instead of just running period or trying to power through alone.

The last night at campfire, Scott stopped playing guitar/singing "Break Every Chain" (which I slightly hate. Still. Read on.) and said that he felt like God had something to say to someone, he didn't know who. Basically, maybe someone was being chained by something and they just needed reassurance that God can break every chain that binds us. There is power in Jesus' name.

I don't know if that was meant for me, but God spoke to me anyway, and gave me this idea of broken hope. See, I'd been feeling so bound by circumstances, namely depression, that I'd completely given up. I'd entirely forgotten about the part where Jesus says to keep asking, keep bugging God about our problems until they're somehow resolved. I felt like God didn't wanna heal me, didn't care that I was hurting. And I listened to those lying feelings and believed them.

But.

He's showing me (Yes, I'm still learning this. That was just the start of the process.) that those were lies. He can heal me, and He wants to! Maybe my depression won't just go away, but God can heal my heart from this sense of betrayal and trust lost. He can heal my hope. That's the phrase that's been running through my head, and I love it because it's true.

Life's still hard and painful. But I have a God that is in my circumstances with me, but also outside them, and He has power over them! Talk about perspective!

Now comes the hard part of living like this is true. Just because I know something, doesn't mean I can put it into practice right away. I'm most definitely a fallible human bean! But there's still hope, because God's started showing me this truth, and I trust Him to finish this work He's begun in my life. (The Bible, somewhere. Phillipins 1:6- I found it!)

I guess, this was a really long way to say: "Thank You, Lord, for hope. I obviously can't make it through this life without it."


Thanks for reading!

~Dolly

God at Eventide (and Hard Times)

Everyone has (or should have) that one place they can get away to and think. For me that's my bed at night when I should be sleeping. Insomnia ftw! Sometimes I think about a certain friend I'm grateful for or worried about, a problem or joyful happening in my own life, or I just mentally solve world problems.

I was doing that last night, thinking about all the suffering in the world and how that can be such a huge obstacle for people when they try to get a good look at God. And in my head I was just all like, "Well, God made everything perfect and we messed it up and He's not gonna do anything to violate our freewill, so in the end, it's our fault and God's still great and cool and perfect."

And then I stopped. Because that is such a pat answer, and no wonder some people get annoyed at us Christians for trying to look like we have it all together. The thing is, I absolutely hate oversimplified, mental answers to complicated, heart problems. While they may be more or less true, they don't satisfy because they come across as so shallow. Also, I (very humbly) pride myself on being a pretty open, transparent person. That annoying person who responds honestly to, "How are you?" with, "I'm really exhausted and depressed today, how are you?" (Insert brave smile here.)

I can be honest on that because it's pretty simple. No existential crisis there! But the big, heart-wrenching, gut-twisting questions we encounter when seeing an innocent child suffer? Who has a really satisfying answer? I just realized that I've been covering up and sticking band-aids on these things when they need hardcore stitches.

So, last night, in bed, I let go of any illusion of having all the pieces in place. I don't have an answer, except to do what I can to help the person next to me. Not much of an answer, is it? Well, it's all I've got. I warned you already that I don't know everything yet!

Then I prayed, begging God to look at this poor, little, hurting, bruised and bleeding world. At each hurting, bruised, and bleeding heart. I prayed for healing and truth to shine through. I prayed love over people I should (?) hate, because they have a story, and because God loves them. I prayed for conviction of sin, too. And I told God straight up that I don't have any clue what's up with all this. I told Him I sure hope He's got some good answers for all this. (Good answers being the ones that He's famous for, the ones that cut straight to the heart.)

And then I read my Bible a little and went to sleep.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I might just go read The Case for Faith by Lee Strobel and lick my apologetic wounds.

~Dolly

Hello, World!

Greetings to everyone (the one person. . . thanks, Mom!) who will read this!

Thanks for being here! What can you expect? I'm not really sure yet.

I don't have anything deep to teach you. I don't have any smart life hacks or great advice. All I have are my late-night ramblings of thought and prayer. I haven't lived long enough to learn a lot, but long enough to learn a little. I don't go on fantastic adventures with Instagram-worthy pictures for you to "ooh" and "ah" over and wish you could have that freedom.

I'm just a teenager who enjoys English class and is struggling to figure out this exhilarating, bewildering, fantastic, terrible thing called life. I'm learning a lot about God, myself, and other people, and want to learn more. I want to grow as a person, as a Christian, and as a writer. Maybe you want to grow yourself in some of these areas as well. If you do, you can read this blog! Or just start your own blog. That would probably be more enjoyable. :) Or, oh hey! You could do both! How's that for an idea?

Anyway, . . . where was I going with this? Oh whatever, I forgot entirely.

Have a good day! Love you, Mom! :D

~Dolly

Self-Grace, Self-Indulgence, Self-Accusation

I just recently started to grasp the idea of self-grace, or basically just cutting myself some slack.

I've always been such a perfectionist with myself that I would become physically sick when I felt like I'd messed up. I did realize that my stomach-aches and/or headaches were stress-related, but that knowledge didn't make the symptoms any easier. Instead, my brain would start to desperately search for answers, but only be able to see flaws in all of them. This has been especially infuriating for my family, because to them, a solution is just so simple and easy, but I just haven't been able to accept that. I'd get so worked up that I couldn't see a way out.

Then this past week came. I'd been slowly growing in the balance between being harsh with myself, and giving my self free reign.

Anyway, this past week was really hard. I was exhausted, my brain pretty much ceased functioning, and I was feeling depressed. These are all things I've beaten myself up over. "You're lazy." "You're stupid." "Quit just giving in to self-pity."

But somehow, for once, I went into survival mode and just cut myself some slack. I skipped about half my school work, entirely abandoned my chores, and gave up on internet time restrictions. Now, for any teens who might be reading, and might be tempted to use this as an excuse to do the same. . . no! I mean, if you're just having a bad day, this is not the treatment plan I'd really recommend. (Besides, your mom probably knows me, and I don't wanna get in trouble!) :)

However, this was a big, like, huge deal for me! I couldn't even cope with basic life functions. And this was the first time I've quit fighting, and just let myself be. I'm exhausted? I can rest. My brain isn't working right? I can let it take a break. I'm depressed? Fine. I can't change any of this, so why fight it? Just let it be, and cope with what I can do, and what I have.

Then came the end of last week and beginning of this week.

And I started feeling a little better, and I tried to go back to normal and found out I was. . . just slightly. . . addicted. Bummer. This is where self-indulgence comes in, because that's what my self-grace turned in to. This is also where self-indulgence usually starts becoming self-accusation.

But!

By God's grace and with His help, the cycle has been (at least temporarily) broken! And, for now, I'll take it!

Because this time, instead of pointing fingers of disgust at myself for failing, I realized that this is part of a learning curve, and I can move on, unencumbered by shame and misplaced guilt. And here's the really cool part: I prayed for help. Okay, that's not too exciting, since that's part of life, but. . . I got help! As in, God started helping me grow in self-control! And in three days, I'm almost back to normal on that front!

Just to clarify, this isn't some starry-eyed, naive view of things. My exhaustion and mental blocks aren't gone, but they're a bit better. I really don't believe it's God's will for my mental/emotional struggles to miraculously disappear. That's discouraging. Majorly. But, I can look at what He's teaching me, and I choose to, because in this discouraging world, that's one little bit of encouragement.

Thanks for reading! May you always seek God, and may He keep teaching you!

~Dolly