Killing It! (Not Quite Literally)

Thanks for the great pics, Jessica K.! Love you!

I feel so grown-up! 😊

Story Time:

Mom and I went shopping today, which we haven't done for a LONG time because she's been sick. Our main reason for heading to town was to look for a very specific, very bright, very orange shade of paint. However, Mom thought we'd better head to the WinCo next door so we could say we did something useful.

So. We headed to Wilco first, since they have a huge paint selection, and I accidentally picked the perfect color first try. There was much excitement. A sample can was bought. 😇 Also, we were super excited to find a pale, lemon yellow. (as opposed to a butter yellow.) A lemon yellow is more of a "true" yellow, while the butter tones have a creaminess that dilutes their cheeriness. They're more soothingly warm than brightly invigorating, and brightly invigorating is what we're going for. I think that actually describes Mom's character almost as well as her color preferences!

Can you tell we both like color? 😅

Where was I going with this? Oh right!

We headed on to Winco. Found Orange Spice Black Tea in bulk and got groceries for our 1.5 households. And I got whole mushrooms and a cherry tomato plant! #SimplePleasures 💗

But then. . . Did I mention that Mom's been sick? Well, her energy hasn't fully returned yet.

She had to take a break before we got everything. Being the soon-to-be-adult, loving daughter that I am, I volunteered to go and finish getting groceries so Mom wouldn't hafta feel pressured to get going again. She gave me her list, and off I went!

The cart was heavy. And wanted to go any direction but straight. Which means that there I was, purposefully pushing a swerving cart while grunting and groaning and straining to make corners and muttering things like, "Oh goodness." "Whoops." "Come ON!"

I don't really blame people for getting outta my way. 😁

But.

I FINDED EVERYTHING! And it didn't take too long! Although, I'm pretty sure I got done so expediently because I was walking through my own personal Red Sea. (AKA People were parting before me and I walked through on dry land.) 😏

But when I got back, I was very proud of me for saving the day. 💪 I was pushing a large cart in an unfamiliar store by myself for the first time in anything bigger than Halsey's Select Market. Which isn't a big deal, probably. But I was impressed! 😜

It's just another (albeit small) step to getting where I'm gonna be. And progress, no matter how minuscule, is progress. So I will choose to be encouraged by the little things in life, the small accomplishments, because big leaps in life are few and far between. Living for them is just discouraging after awhile.

I choose to let me be encouraged.

So there.

Cuz this Grown-Up-ness stuff? I'm killing it. Especially since I managed to not kill anyone with a grocery cart this afternoon.

~Dolly

Growin' Up

[Disclaimer: I haven't even come close to experiencing the 2nd verse yet!]

        

Life is a weird thing. We spend the first good chunk of it running to our parent(s) when something goes wrong. Hurting heart? Mo-om! Crashed the car? Um. . . Daddy?

And then we get to that weird mystery land of adulthood, and long chats on the bed with Mom turn into rushed phone calls, and days puttering around with Dad become "I wish. . . maybe this weekend?"

And somewhere in between we get stuck in the no-man's-land of growing up. Where we wanna run home to Mom and Dad, cuz we still need them. But then we wanna learn to be independent, so we're practicing that too. And somehow we (Or, me. Have you noticed I'm just talking about myself, yet?) always end up running in the wrong direction. Like, "I need to grow up and learn to face things, so I will sit through this anxiety attack without doing something dumb," but then, "Man, I really need chocolate right now. I'll just go over and see if Mom feels like sharing," and also, "Internet!!!!"

I know, it may be hard to see what could possibly be backwards in my priorities. 😄 And even harder to see why "my" truck is out of gas. 😆

I'll let ya just figure it out, since I'm a lazy author. (Have you noticed the posts getting shorter?)

Back to the subject at hand: I could just keep complaining(ish), I guess.

But, ya know what? This weird limbo-land is working: I'm learning some things! Like how to set boundaries, since I'm growing past the point where my parents can do that for me all the time. Or . . . I might as well make it a list. 😑

I'm Learning About:

• Setting boundaries. We talked about that already.
• Cleaning! Because there's no one else to blame a mess on!
• Self-Control. Because who else is gonna make me behave? I hafta be responsible. 😒
• Cooking. With very few ingredients, and with nutrition in mind. Because, as tempting as it is, I actually can't live off of Cheez-Its and Lindor Truffles, apparently. I know! I was shocked too! But on the plus side crepes are WAY easier than I thought they'd be!
• Patience. As in, "Put off 'til tomorrow what you could technically do at 11:30 tonight."

So,maybe this age-old (?) rite if passage isn't just an annoying li'l speed-bump to get over with as soon as humanly possible.

However, that's exactly how I wanna deal with it, so there!

Never mind. Apparently I'm not entirely prepped for grown-up-ness yet.  I'll keep working on that.

Letting you know how that goes, it's. . .

~Dolly

P.S. I know I'm posting a lot about transitions and stuff lately (see Lifekins, for example), but that's just where I'm at: settling into a new home and all the stuff that goes along with that. You can check out other posts to the right if you're tired of this theme!

Lifekins

Life can still be cool.

Hi there! I'm sure, because of my inflated blogger ego, that absolutely everyone is just dying to know what's been happening since that last post where that weirdo hugged me! Well, here I am to satisfy your deep cravings to know exactly what I think of my small little corner of the world. 😇

Sarcastic much? Of coouuurrrse not!      

So, what has been up, to use the vernacular of young ones?

I am going to a counselor! She's pretty fantastic. 😊 Good at listening, practical enough to give good advice, but emotional enough to relate to. I've only gone to two sessions so far, and Mom was in at least part of both of them. It always makes me happy when other people like my parents and can accept that I respect them. At least somewhat, anyway. Not like I'm some saintly model daughter or anything.

Also. . . I got a psychic evaluation! 😁 No, I is kidding. And still spiritually safe. It was psychiatric. After just a couple minutes of talking to the guy, he said, "I know exactly what's going on, and I know exactly what to do about it. Probably never expected to hear that from a shrink, huh?" Yeah, he's not your average pysche dude. Which is definitely cool.

Last, but most importantly, perhaps. . . I MOVEDED OUTS!!!!

ish.

So, I'm living in the apartment in the shop on our property. Mom and Dad are still paying for me. I'm still following all the rules and everything. So. . . not really independent. It's more of my emotional retreat from the busy, crazy world. I have time to cook and clean and learn how to do adult-y things. Sort of a trial run of adulthood!

So, that's what's been happening!

But my blogger ego, as stated before, is inflated, so I betcha wanna know not only where I am in life, but where I wanna go! Well, here I come, once again ready to satisfy your curiosity!

Well, hopefully the psych stuff starts paying off, and I can get a job that also starts paying. 😊Maybe at JC's Dutch Bros. . . 😏 to start.

Then I wanna invest in a car, or pay for a car if I already need one to get to work.

Once I'm earning some $, I'll be paying the parentals for rent, food utilities, etc. The goal (obviously) is to become financially and emotionally independent! I mean, emotionally I'll need people. Everyone does! But I need to be able to get through depression or anxiety attacks safely, whether or not Mommy's there to hold me and talk through it. I need to pull up my big-girl pants. . . skirt, and be responsible. Or whatever. 😉

So, that's where I'm wanting to head short-term. Long-term? (Cuz ya'll are still curious, I'm sure.)

I wanna go to college! Maybe.

If I do end up in that mess, I might go for interior design or psychology. Slightly different options, I know! 😄 But I think design would utilize my creativity. However, psychology absolutely fascinates me! But I already discuss it enough that I'm pretty sure I'd drive everybody crazy with it if it was "my thing", plus, it'd probably get super emotionally burdening. So yeah. But those are the two options I've been looking at for a few months, at least.

So, yeah! Life!

I think that's it. And I hafta go to my li'l home now, where there is no blessed internet.

So see ya!

~Dolly

Hopeless Dreams

Before you assume by the title that this is a negative post and skim past, STOP! :) It has a happy ending!

Okay, now that that's outta the way, I can get started.

This is an annoyingly rough season of life for me. I, like pretty much every other teenager, at least on the interwebs, am reaching toward adulthood while still clinging to childhood. It feels like hanging in air, holding tight to the future and the past, both of which are moving in different directions. Something's gotta give. And I'm afraid that it'll end up being me.

Add to that my uncertainty about my own emotional stability. I wanna reach toward the future, I really do, but what if I make plans, or actually move out or get a job or something and then depression or anxiety hits and I have no one to be there with me and I can't fulfill my own expectations/obligations which will increase anxiety and I fail a class or get fired? I'm just not yet mature enough to handle adulthood, even though I'm old enough to really, really wanna be in that part of life.

I just realized, as I was typing, that I've been afraid. See? Ya'll are walking my journeys with me!

Anyway.

I just got back from a youth retreat (What up, MyWillamette!) that was focused on fear, and running to Jesus instead of just running period or trying to power through alone.

The last night at campfire, Scott stopped playing guitar/singing "Break Every Chain" (which I slightly hate. Still. Read on.) and said that he felt like God had something to say to someone, he didn't know who. Basically, maybe someone was being chained by something and they just needed reassurance that God can break every chain that binds us. There is power in Jesus' name.

I don't know if that was meant for me, but God spoke to me anyway, and gave me this idea of broken hope. See, I'd been feeling so bound by circumstances, namely depression, that I'd completely given up. I'd entirely forgotten about the part where Jesus says to keep asking, keep bugging God about our problems until they're somehow resolved. I felt like God didn't wanna heal me, didn't care that I was hurting. And I listened to those lying feelings and believed them.

But.

He's showing me (Yes, I'm still learning this. That was just the start of the process.) that those were lies. He can heal me, and He wants to! Maybe my depression won't just go away, but God can heal my heart from this sense of betrayal and trust lost. He can heal my hope. That's the phrase that's been running through my head, and I love it because it's true.

Life's still hard and painful. But I have a God that is in my circumstances with me, but also outside them, and He has power over them! Talk about perspective!

Now comes the hard part of living like this is true. Just because I know something, doesn't mean I can put it into practice right away. I'm most definitely a fallible human bean! But there's still hope, because God's started showing me this truth, and I trust Him to finish this work He's begun in my life. (The Bible, somewhere. Phillipins 1:6- I found it!)

I guess, this was a really long way to say: "Thank You, Lord, for hope. I obviously can't make it through this life without it."


Thanks for reading!

~Dolly