Self-Grace, Self-Indulgence, Self-Accusation

I just recently started to grasp the idea of self-grace, or basically just cutting myself some slack.

I've always been such a perfectionist with myself that I would become physically sick when I felt like I'd messed up. I did realize that my stomach-aches and/or headaches were stress-related, but that knowledge didn't make the symptoms any easier. Instead, my brain would start to desperately search for answers, but only be able to see flaws in all of them. This has been especially infuriating for my family, because to them, a solution is just so simple and easy, but I just haven't been able to accept that. I'd get so worked up that I couldn't see a way out.

Then this past week came. I'd been slowly growing in the balance between being harsh with myself, and giving my self free reign.

Anyway, this past week was really hard. I was exhausted, my brain pretty much ceased functioning, and I was feeling depressed. These are all things I've beaten myself up over. "You're lazy." "You're stupid." "Quit just giving in to self-pity."

But somehow, for once, I went into survival mode and just cut myself some slack. I skipped about half my school work, entirely abandoned my chores, and gave up on internet time restrictions. Now, for any teens who might be reading, and might be tempted to use this as an excuse to do the same. . . no! I mean, if you're just having a bad day, this is not the treatment plan I'd really recommend. (Besides, your mom probably knows me, and I don't wanna get in trouble!) :)

However, this was a big, like, huge deal for me! I couldn't even cope with basic life functions. And this was the first time I've quit fighting, and just let myself be. I'm exhausted? I can rest. My brain isn't working right? I can let it take a break. I'm depressed? Fine. I can't change any of this, so why fight it? Just let it be, and cope with what I can do, and what I have.

Then came the end of last week and beginning of this week.

And I started feeling a little better, and I tried to go back to normal and found out I was. . . just slightly. . . addicted. Bummer. This is where self-indulgence comes in, because that's what my self-grace turned in to. This is also where self-indulgence usually starts becoming self-accusation.

But!

By God's grace and with His help, the cycle has been (at least temporarily) broken! And, for now, I'll take it!

Because this time, instead of pointing fingers of disgust at myself for failing, I realized that this is part of a learning curve, and I can move on, unencumbered by shame and misplaced guilt. And here's the really cool part: I prayed for help. Okay, that's not too exciting, since that's part of life, but. . . I got help! As in, God started helping me grow in self-control! And in three days, I'm almost back to normal on that front!

Just to clarify, this isn't some starry-eyed, naive view of things. My exhaustion and mental blocks aren't gone, but they're a bit better. I really don't believe it's God's will for my mental/emotional struggles to miraculously disappear. That's discouraging. Majorly. But, I can look at what He's teaching me, and I choose to, because in this discouraging world, that's one little bit of encouragement.

Thanks for reading! May you always seek God, and may He keep teaching you!

~Dolly