Killing It! (Not Quite Literally)

Thanks for the great pics, Jessica K.! Love you!

I feel so grown-up! 😊

Story Time:

Mom and I went shopping today, which we haven't done for a LONG time because she's been sick. Our main reason for heading to town was to look for a very specific, very bright, very orange shade of paint. However, Mom thought we'd better head to the WinCo next door so we could say we did something useful.

So. We headed to Wilco first, since they have a huge paint selection, and I accidentally picked the perfect color first try. There was much excitement. A sample can was bought. 😇 Also, we were super excited to find a pale, lemon yellow. (as opposed to a butter yellow.) A lemon yellow is more of a "true" yellow, while the butter tones have a creaminess that dilutes their cheeriness. They're more soothingly warm than brightly invigorating, and brightly invigorating is what we're going for. I think that actually describes Mom's character almost as well as her color preferences!

Can you tell we both like color? 😅

Where was I going with this? Oh right!

We headed on to Winco. Found Orange Spice Black Tea in bulk and got groceries for our 1.5 households. And I got whole mushrooms and a cherry tomato plant! #SimplePleasures 💗

But then. . . Did I mention that Mom's been sick? Well, her energy hasn't fully returned yet.

She had to take a break before we got everything. Being the soon-to-be-adult, loving daughter that I am, I volunteered to go and finish getting groceries so Mom wouldn't hafta feel pressured to get going again. She gave me her list, and off I went!

The cart was heavy. And wanted to go any direction but straight. Which means that there I was, purposefully pushing a swerving cart while grunting and groaning and straining to make corners and muttering things like, "Oh goodness." "Whoops." "Come ON!"

I don't really blame people for getting outta my way. 😁

But.

I FINDED EVERYTHING! And it didn't take too long! Although, I'm pretty sure I got done so expediently because I was walking through my own personal Red Sea. (AKA People were parting before me and I walked through on dry land.) 😏

But when I got back, I was very proud of me for saving the day. 💪 I was pushing a large cart in an unfamiliar store by myself for the first time in anything bigger than Halsey's Select Market. Which isn't a big deal, probably. But I was impressed! 😜

It's just another (albeit small) step to getting where I'm gonna be. And progress, no matter how minuscule, is progress. So I will choose to be encouraged by the little things in life, the small accomplishments, because big leaps in life are few and far between. Living for them is just discouraging after awhile.

I choose to let me be encouraged.

So there.

Cuz this Grown-Up-ness stuff? I'm killing it. Especially since I managed to not kill anyone with a grocery cart this afternoon.

~Dolly

Focus!

My focus has been so off lately!

Oh, yeah, hi!

Basically I've been focusing almost entirely on me, even while praying for a shift away from that! It was honestly getting really frustrating because I actually do want to focus on God as center of my life. Also, I wanna be aware of other people and be able to care for them with Jesus' love. I can't do that if my eyes are on myself all the time!

The problem was, I knew what the problem was. Just not how to fix it! SO FRUSTRATING!

Last night God gave me a bit o' insight.

See, here I was, praying for change. For my focus to shift off of me. For God to work for me and in me so that I could serve Him better. He wants my help after all, right? And while He's at it, could I get a good night's sleep with a side of energy and encouragement in the morning?

Basically, the focus was still on me. I wanted to be a better little version of myself without putting in the effort. How self-centered is that?!?

Anyway, last night I prayed for 3 other people, only stopping on myself to ask forgiveness for sins and maybe to ask for something I was praying over someone else, for myself, too.

This morning, I woke up energized and encouraged. Because this time I put in the energy to concentrate on things beyond myself!

Something else, though. Just to try to keep things balanced out.

Those other prayers were not useless. After all, God's answering them! Even though they were selfish prayers, that just means I was still stuck in the problem. However, I was searching for a way out, genuinely wanting to do the right thing, just blind as to how to get there. I believe God honored the true heart behind them.

All that to say, I mostly included my first prayers in a kinda derogatory context to show a contrast. God gave me a gift of growth, an 'after', which can be seen most clearly when contrasted with the 'before'.

Anyway, I was just encouraged by what God showed me last night, and I'd like to (hopefully) encourage someone else. (aka you)

Keep seeking God, even when things are frustrating and every opportunity seems like a dead end. Keep asking, seeking, and knocking on His door. Basically, just bug God! I don't think, somehow, that He'll actually be annoyed. I mean, the Bible even says to bug Him until He gives us an answer! Jacob wrestled with God and was blessed, Jesus talked about a widow bugging a jerky judge until he gave a fair ruling, and He also told the story of a guy knocking on his friend's door in the middle of the night and getting what he needed because of his persistence!

God isn't zoning out, only paying attention if we bug Him enough. He loves us and takes care of us! But by bugging Him, we show our commitment to change, and He can work with that as we give ourselves to Him.

Hope you guys are encouraged and having as great of a day as I am so far! Thanks so much for reading, commenting, subscribing. . . oh wait, this isn't YouTube.

Love ya'll!

~Dolly

Self-Grace, Self-Indulgence, Self-Accusation

I just recently started to grasp the idea of self-grace, or basically just cutting myself some slack.

I've always been such a perfectionist with myself that I would become physically sick when I felt like I'd messed up. I did realize that my stomach-aches and/or headaches were stress-related, but that knowledge didn't make the symptoms any easier. Instead, my brain would start to desperately search for answers, but only be able to see flaws in all of them. This has been especially infuriating for my family, because to them, a solution is just so simple and easy, but I just haven't been able to accept that. I'd get so worked up that I couldn't see a way out.

Then this past week came. I'd been slowly growing in the balance between being harsh with myself, and giving my self free reign.

Anyway, this past week was really hard. I was exhausted, my brain pretty much ceased functioning, and I was feeling depressed. These are all things I've beaten myself up over. "You're lazy." "You're stupid." "Quit just giving in to self-pity."

But somehow, for once, I went into survival mode and just cut myself some slack. I skipped about half my school work, entirely abandoned my chores, and gave up on internet time restrictions. Now, for any teens who might be reading, and might be tempted to use this as an excuse to do the same. . . no! I mean, if you're just having a bad day, this is not the treatment plan I'd really recommend. (Besides, your mom probably knows me, and I don't wanna get in trouble!) :)

However, this was a big, like, huge deal for me! I couldn't even cope with basic life functions. And this was the first time I've quit fighting, and just let myself be. I'm exhausted? I can rest. My brain isn't working right? I can let it take a break. I'm depressed? Fine. I can't change any of this, so why fight it? Just let it be, and cope with what I can do, and what I have.

Then came the end of last week and beginning of this week.

And I started feeling a little better, and I tried to go back to normal and found out I was. . . just slightly. . . addicted. Bummer. This is where self-indulgence comes in, because that's what my self-grace turned in to. This is also where self-indulgence usually starts becoming self-accusation.

But!

By God's grace and with His help, the cycle has been (at least temporarily) broken! And, for now, I'll take it!

Because this time, instead of pointing fingers of disgust at myself for failing, I realized that this is part of a learning curve, and I can move on, unencumbered by shame and misplaced guilt. And here's the really cool part: I prayed for help. Okay, that's not too exciting, since that's part of life, but. . . I got help! As in, God started helping me grow in self-control! And in three days, I'm almost back to normal on that front!

Just to clarify, this isn't some starry-eyed, naive view of things. My exhaustion and mental blocks aren't gone, but they're a bit better. I really don't believe it's God's will for my mental/emotional struggles to miraculously disappear. That's discouraging. Majorly. But, I can look at what He's teaching me, and I choose to, because in this discouraging world, that's one little bit of encouragement.

Thanks for reading! May you always seek God, and may He keep teaching you!

~Dolly