Review

I feel a post welling up inside my heart. Or maybe I'm just needing chocolate. Well, this seems to be the healthier option, soooo. . . . Yeah, I dunno what this'll be about, honestly. Welcome to my brain!

Ok, where to start? MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

Alright, that's that. The (possible) post is firmly settled in my head now. I'll do one of those stereotypical "Year in Review"s. But please bear with me, because this post should be just as honest as the normal, occasional stuff I post here.

Let's see. . . what did happen this year?

I got my license! At this point, I've had it for over 6 months and can drive a few other people! This helps me pretend I can have a social life. The only problem is, going out with friends usually requires money. So I kinda keep running out. 2017 Resolution #1: Budgeting!!! Hahaha! 😅

I started this blog this year, so that's cool. I guess. Guys? Please tell me this is cool? Please? 😉 Also learned how to use emojis on here this year! Obviously.

And. . . we got kittens this year! And my (excuse me, our. Our family's) pets were just awesome and joy-inducing in general. Just look at them!

This is my fluffy. She made it through her injury this year, and is just as sweet and     

elegant as ever. She knows just how to          

comfort me by giving moral support without

                                             being too pushy.

 This Coco. She's much sweeter than the picture makes her look! She comes running to see me when I'm lonely, and wants nothing better than to snuggle and be loved.

This is Herbie. Isn't he cute? He's probably the most encouraging person. . . wait, no. Right. He's a dog. Well, he's almost the most encouraging thing in my life! Seriously, I'm about to cry just thinking of it.  His own personal happiness is simply contagious! He just loves people! And he's so careful of things he knows are physically vulnerable to him! Like kittens. Or me. 💗

 This is Ebony (Ebby (Ebs)) He's pretty new to us, but already dear. He's a bit of a cautious boy, and he's SO fluffy!!! Also, he absolutely loves playing with dangly things, which is adorable! He gets along with everyone by very sweetly manipulating them. 😂 But he's floofy and cuddly and sweet and adorable and therefore completely worth it! 💖 

This is Israel (Izzy (Iz)). He's a rambunctious little fellow who can sometimes annoy Cali. They're really close, though. But look at his lovely little face! He likes being petted, but gets impatient with the stillness required to be held and cuddled.

This is dear Cali. After her brother Theo died, she really got attached to us, and was lonely. Now her life has fulfillment again as a surrogate mama to Ebby and Izzy. She's so sweet! She really loves us and starts purring if we even start coming close to her, not even petting or holding her yet!

So those are some really great things from this year. But we also had to leave our church of many years, Grandpa and Grandma died really unexpectedly in a car wreck, and my depression got so. much. worse. 

So yeah, this was a rough year. Um, lemme rephrase that. Yeah, this year stank.

Ok, maybe I should just gloss over the negative stuff after all. I mean, it's almost Christmas! Everyone hypothetically appreciates honesty, I know. But ya'll probably don't want negativity (albeit honest) ruining the holidays for you. How selfish you are! I thought my readers would be better than that! 😜 Okay, yeah, I'll quit kidding around.

This summer was weird. I kinda couldn't work by myself all the time because of depression and separation anxiety. But then, my great friend Hannah and my relationship grew a ton! And she introduced me to some really fantastic tea! 

Another two-sided coin: We left our church of, like, 7 years! But now we've met so many other awesome people at Willamette Christian Center, and we're all learning and growing! It's so cool to see how God works things out!

I think our whole year was like that. Two-sided coins. It was so hard! But I also learned a lot. Unfortunately, lessons learned don't last as long as pain and scars. Well, I guess that's something to work on in the new year! Well, for the first week of it, anyway. 😅

Have Yourselves All Merry Little Christmases!

~Dolly

Hopeless Dreams

Before you assume by the title that this is a negative post and skim past, STOP! :) It has a happy ending!

Okay, now that that's outta the way, I can get started.

This is an annoyingly rough season of life for me. I, like pretty much every other teenager, at least on the interwebs, am reaching toward adulthood while still clinging to childhood. It feels like hanging in air, holding tight to the future and the past, both of which are moving in different directions. Something's gotta give. And I'm afraid that it'll end up being me.

Add to that my uncertainty about my own emotional stability. I wanna reach toward the future, I really do, but what if I make plans, or actually move out or get a job or something and then depression or anxiety hits and I have no one to be there with me and I can't fulfill my own expectations/obligations which will increase anxiety and I fail a class or get fired? I'm just not yet mature enough to handle adulthood, even though I'm old enough to really, really wanna be in that part of life.

I just realized, as I was typing, that I've been afraid. See? Ya'll are walking my journeys with me!

Anyway.

I just got back from a youth retreat (What up, MyWillamette!) that was focused on fear, and running to Jesus instead of just running period or trying to power through alone.

The last night at campfire, Scott stopped playing guitar/singing "Break Every Chain" (which I slightly hate. Still. Read on.) and said that he felt like God had something to say to someone, he didn't know who. Basically, maybe someone was being chained by something and they just needed reassurance that God can break every chain that binds us. There is power in Jesus' name.

I don't know if that was meant for me, but God spoke to me anyway, and gave me this idea of broken hope. See, I'd been feeling so bound by circumstances, namely depression, that I'd completely given up. I'd entirely forgotten about the part where Jesus says to keep asking, keep bugging God about our problems until they're somehow resolved. I felt like God didn't wanna heal me, didn't care that I was hurting. And I listened to those lying feelings and believed them.

But.

He's showing me (Yes, I'm still learning this. That was just the start of the process.) that those were lies. He can heal me, and He wants to! Maybe my depression won't just go away, but God can heal my heart from this sense of betrayal and trust lost. He can heal my hope. That's the phrase that's been running through my head, and I love it because it's true.

Life's still hard and painful. But I have a God that is in my circumstances with me, but also outside them, and He has power over them! Talk about perspective!

Now comes the hard part of living like this is true. Just because I know something, doesn't mean I can put it into practice right away. I'm most definitely a fallible human bean! But there's still hope, because God's started showing me this truth, and I trust Him to finish this work He's begun in my life. (The Bible, somewhere. Phillipins 1:6- I found it!)

I guess, this was a really long way to say: "Thank You, Lord, for hope. I obviously can't make it through this life without it."


Thanks for reading!

~Dolly

Stereotypes, Example 1

Stereotype Challenge #1: Depression

If you know me, you probably think of me as a relatively happy person. That's the first myth of depression. You might not know that someone has it. I'm not constantly depressed, for one thing, and for another, I can sometimes hide it. But the biggest reason is this: If I'm depressed, you probably won't be there. I will be at home, slogging through it, and only the people closest to me will know.


The second myth, the one I encounter all the time in Christian circles, is that depression is purely spiritual or mental. I don't become depressed because of 'negative self-talk' or whatever; I berate myself, or allow Satan to berate me because the depression is already there. It makes me weaker, more open to spiritual attack, but my depression is not a purely spiritual problem.

Also, fixing the way I view myself will not fix the problem. It might make things slightly easier, but it definitely won't fix the problem.  Negativity is a symptom or by-product of depression, not the cause of it, and to just combat depression on a spiritual or mental level might not work for everyone.

One other thing: DO NOT accuse a depressed person of just not seeking God enough. It makes sense, apparently, because if someone is depressed, they must not be experiencing the 'joy of the Lord.' Thus, it follows that if I just pray enough, read my Bible enough, trust God enough, cast out enough spirits in the name of Jesus, or anything else you want to put in there, my depression will miraculously be gone!

But.

This is dangerously close to legalism. Also, I can't speak for everybody: we're all different, but I accuse myself enough already, especially when I'm depressed. (Negative self-talk, remember?) I don't want to come across as some accusatory know-it-all, so sorry if that's the case. I guess I'm just making an appeal to God's people to remember to act with grace. (And yeah, ok, I really need that reminder too, especially with how this blog post is going. )


Closely related to that myth is the thought that there is always (or almost always) an obvious mental or emotional cause for depression.

Depression doesn't need a reason. It can strike out at anyone, and the church (including myself) needs to learn how to empathize.

Some people do have depression battles stemming from intense grief or trauma, but others may be depressed because of hormones or other physical reasons that are less obvious. The question, "What do you have to be depressed for?" can't always be answered. When I was asked that (by someone I love dearly), my life was pretty easy and good. There were no obvious "reasons" for my depression. It just was.

Honestly, my life is still pretty easy. I shouldn't struggle with depression, right? My parents love me and the Lord, I'm at a healthy church, and no one's bullying me or anything. Not only that, but I am seeking God. Depression just doesn't always mean that a person's life is terrible.


Fourthly, depression is not my, or anyone else's identity. It is a disease, a handicap we struggle against. Honestly, non-depressed people probably already agree with this. It's for those of us in the middle of the problem, that I write this. Depression is not my fault, or your fault. Just like a person with a physical handicap can live life, they just need to work a little harder on some things than other people, so we with an emotional handicap can live life, it's just a lot (yes, I'll admit it) harder for us than for some other people.

We can't control that. And just as someone with paralyzed legs can use a wheelchair, we should use the resources available to us. Whether those be emotional/spiritual counselling, natural medicine, or drugs, there are options for us. I know that sometimes it's quite literally impossible to think rationally or make any sort of decisions. I've been there waaayyyy too many times! So, one of the biggest resources to utilize, is other people. People who at least somewhat understand and/or are willing to learn how life is for you and what can be done to help. Mostly just people you know you can depend on to make good decisions when you can't.

For non-depressed people, I guess I'd just ask you to be the kind of person others can count on in their times of need. It's something we all long to do, I think. We want to be useful and helpful to the people around us, right?

Well, you are. When you listen and love and don't judge, you are doing exactly what God designed you to do. Thank you for that.

Farewell! Hope this made some semblence of sense!

~Dolly

Self-Grace, Self-Indulgence, Self-Accusation

I just recently started to grasp the idea of self-grace, or basically just cutting myself some slack.

I've always been such a perfectionist with myself that I would become physically sick when I felt like I'd messed up. I did realize that my stomach-aches and/or headaches were stress-related, but that knowledge didn't make the symptoms any easier. Instead, my brain would start to desperately search for answers, but only be able to see flaws in all of them. This has been especially infuriating for my family, because to them, a solution is just so simple and easy, but I just haven't been able to accept that. I'd get so worked up that I couldn't see a way out.

Then this past week came. I'd been slowly growing in the balance between being harsh with myself, and giving my self free reign.

Anyway, this past week was really hard. I was exhausted, my brain pretty much ceased functioning, and I was feeling depressed. These are all things I've beaten myself up over. "You're lazy." "You're stupid." "Quit just giving in to self-pity."

But somehow, for once, I went into survival mode and just cut myself some slack. I skipped about half my school work, entirely abandoned my chores, and gave up on internet time restrictions. Now, for any teens who might be reading, and might be tempted to use this as an excuse to do the same. . . no! I mean, if you're just having a bad day, this is not the treatment plan I'd really recommend. (Besides, your mom probably knows me, and I don't wanna get in trouble!) :)

However, this was a big, like, huge deal for me! I couldn't even cope with basic life functions. And this was the first time I've quit fighting, and just let myself be. I'm exhausted? I can rest. My brain isn't working right? I can let it take a break. I'm depressed? Fine. I can't change any of this, so why fight it? Just let it be, and cope with what I can do, and what I have.

Then came the end of last week and beginning of this week.

And I started feeling a little better, and I tried to go back to normal and found out I was. . . just slightly. . . addicted. Bummer. This is where self-indulgence comes in, because that's what my self-grace turned in to. This is also where self-indulgence usually starts becoming self-accusation.

But!

By God's grace and with His help, the cycle has been (at least temporarily) broken! And, for now, I'll take it!

Because this time, instead of pointing fingers of disgust at myself for failing, I realized that this is part of a learning curve, and I can move on, unencumbered by shame and misplaced guilt. And here's the really cool part: I prayed for help. Okay, that's not too exciting, since that's part of life, but. . . I got help! As in, God started helping me grow in self-control! And in three days, I'm almost back to normal on that front!

Just to clarify, this isn't some starry-eyed, naive view of things. My exhaustion and mental blocks aren't gone, but they're a bit better. I really don't believe it's God's will for my mental/emotional struggles to miraculously disappear. That's discouraging. Majorly. But, I can look at what He's teaching me, and I choose to, because in this discouraging world, that's one little bit of encouragement.

Thanks for reading! May you always seek God, and may He keep teaching you!

~Dolly