High Tea

 Well, hello again! It's been less than a year since my last post, which is highly unusual activity for me. 😁

But I've been thinking about something, and I wanted to see what other people might think about it, too.

My best friend Hannah and I have been throwing tea parties since high school. When we were younger, we did them basically every season, during school breaks. As we've both gotten older, life has gotten fuller and more structured, so we're a little more limited on how often we can do them.

For us and for those in the know, our tea parties are an absolute event. We plan a themed menu, and the buildup involves planning that starts months in advance as we pick a theme of ingredients and decide on courses. Tea parties are always on a Saturday, in the early afternoon. The week leading up to Saturday is pretty centered around those few afternoon hours. We have a shopping day for ingredients, and often a day where we plan place settings and maybe practice more experimental recipes for people with diet restrictions, or for weird flavor combinations we're still debating. And then on Friday.... we bake. Including breaks, we're usually going for about 12 hours, from 10 to 10.

 

Blood Orange and fresh rosemary cookies with chocolate glaze.

On Saturday morning, I head back over to Hannah's house in my nice clothes, usually bringing my makeup along to be done whenever there's a spare moment. 

We set the table, deciding who will sit next to whom for the best flow of conversation. We usually each invite half the guests, and it's always fun to see people from different communities come together and have fun. We have my Mennonite cousins. We have our farmer neighbors. We have friends from church and town. And we have lots of tea and desserts.

A slice of blood-orange chocolate tart from Saturday.

While I usually set the table, with Hannah helping decide on key elements, she's usually doing any last finishing touches that are needed for food. Putting fruit on things, heating soups, boiling water for the tea, and a bunch of other little things. I pop in to consult on key elements. 😊 

Lemon bars and cupcakes from our 2020 outdoor quaran-tea-ne.

And then, usually, we sit for a few minutes after everything is ready. We breathe, we take selfies together and we take pictures of the table and food. And then, just about the time we're starting to get antsy and think about texting people to make sure they're coming.... the first guests arrive. If they're my guest, they probably get a very excited hug. If they're Hannah's guest, they get a warm and classy welcome that's much more fitting for the event. 😅 We make sure everyone knows they're welcome, and that there's no awkward standing around wondering where to go. Everyone is met before the door and welcomed to the table. Introductions are made at some point, usually once everyone arrives. 

"Welcome everyone! This is Alana. She is the youth director at church. This is my Aunt Bonnie who lives just down the road. This is our high school friend, Bekah. This is our neighbor, Krystle. This is Marissa, she became my brother's friend in college."

Then we announce the theme, explain what teas are in which pots, and bring out the first course, which is savory. Often tea sandwiches and soup, although we do switch things up. Once people are slowing down with that, we bring out the scones and cookies and fruit bars. (Think lemon bars, but with different fruit sometimes.) This is when the tea really starts to pour, and people settle in, and get to know whoever's sitting next to them.

"Those scones look so lovely, but I don't think I could fit a whole one. Would you like to split one with me?"

Our group from Saturday. Clockwise from left: Hannah, Auntie Dorcas, Emily, Alethalou, Alana, Marissa, Me, Ilex, and my mom Simone.

And then come the actual desserts. Usually we have a course that's meant to be lighter and a break from the more intense flavors. A posset custard, a mousse, a sorbet... The refresher course could come between heavy desserts, or after the entire meal, to round things off. Desserts almost always include cupcakes. At one point we discovered the concept of stuffed cupcakes, and since then we've really had fun! Our penultimate cupcakes are generally considered to be the caramel apple chai. Chai cupcakes stuffed with homemade apple pie filling from Hannah's lovely mother Vanessa, and then topped with caramel frosting. (When Hannah discovered a caramel frosting recipe, our lives changed. 😁) Desserts can also include other things that fit the theme. This past Saturday we had a blood orange and chocolate ganache tart, topped with fresh, local peaches, and berries we had picked a day or two prior. Once we asked Aunt Bonnie to make some lavender macarons for our lavender and lime tea. There's always something seasonal and fun.

A Christmas tablescape from an early tea. In the middle is my since deceased Christmas tree, Ferdinand.

And because this is me, and I ramble, we are just now getting to the point of this whole post. Everything you've read so far was just context, and maybe a little pride of accomplishment. I haven't even gone into how we choose what dishes will fit the theme and feel most special, or how I always forget who has allergies until after we invite them, and so we adjust the menu after it's all conceptualized, so they can participate. 😅

Anyway! 

We just had a tea party on Saturday. Chocolate and blood orange themed. We had a lovely set of guests, some first-timers and some regulars. 😊 Among the regulars was my Auntie Dorcas, who could definitely be considered 'Mennonite famous'. 

I don't know what it is, exactly, about the tea parties, but she's told me that they do something special for her. She feels really loved when we invite her.

So Auntie Dorcas posted on her social media about coming to the tea. And of course, a lot of people commented. 

"Did your daughters host this? What a proud mother you must be!" "How lovely! I would be these girls' new best friend for an invite!" "This makes me want to do something like this!"

But among the more prevalent types of comments, seemed to be those that assumed this is a commercial enterprise. And we've definitely heard before that we could charge money for tickets. In fact, it's something my mother mentions almost every time we do a tea. 😄 

But it still surprised me. It seems so obvious that we do this because we like having tea parties with our friends. We love the new recipes and our grandmothers' china sets and the fascinating conversations. That's not something we'd really be comfortable charging for. It's like asking your friends to pay at the door when they come over for coffee or dinner.

Some of the comments actually almost bothered me. 

It's not fair, and I know it. Everyone wants to feel special sometimes. I actually think it's a human need. And it's sad to see that so many people feel a lack there. It makes me wonder why, but I also think they might have given the answer themselves when they assumed that this is a business. 

No matter how perfect of a party it is, it might never be as fulfilling if you paid for it. I think there's something about receiving a personal invitation. About knowing that you, specifically, are wanted. And that you were worth all the effort that went into something.

I wish I could throw tea parties for everyone, and that might be why I'm a little frustrated. I can't do that. I'm soooo tired right now. It would take an actual staff to be able to do this regularly. And I honestly think that might take away the specialness of the whole thing. 

I don't think it's just the food that people crave. Or the lovely china or even the handwritten place cards. 

I think it's the special focus and attention. The absolute rest of not being in charge or having to figure out where to go and what to do. 

I think what we all need is true hospitality. And that doesn't come from hours of work and months of planning. It doesn't come from beautiful dishes and perfectly steeped tea, or from handwritten placecards and vintage tablecloths. It comes from one heart saying to another, "You are welcome and cared for here."

After I started writing this, I saw that Auntie Dorcas was replying to some of the comments. 

"...My new philosophy is that everyone who wishes they could have been there needs to throw a tea party of their own!"

And I think that's exactly it. Obviously I'm biased, but I would highly encourage you to throw a tea party. You could get out the fancy dishes you never use, or find a vintage set at a thrift store. You could make tea sandwiches and scones and cupcakes, or buy scones and macarons and madeleines. All you really need is a welcoming spirit and boiling-hot water for tea. 

Hannah and I have discovered that people will come to a tea party. We've invited lots of different kinds of people over the years, some of whom were only acquaintances before. But they came, and friendships and community followed. It can be hard to figure out how to begin a friendship with someone, but I will say this is one of the least awkward techniques I've ever tried. 😁 Our general rule is to invite a mix of old and new friends, and seat them next to each other so they get acquainted. You can do things however you want to, of course! These are just some tips and ideas for anyone who might be enamored with what you've read, or the pictures you've seen, but who might feel a little overwhelmed. 

If you do throw a tea party, I'd love to see it! Or if you have questions, feel free to reach out! Either in the comments here, or dm me on Instagram at unregularly_irreasonable. 😊

What do you think? Would you come to tea? What if you didn't know the hosts very well? 

Would you host a tea party? Would you invite old friends, or try to make new ones?

I guess what I'm really wondering is, what makes you feel special? What kind of hospitality speaks to you the most? And do you feel a need or an ability to provide that for yourself and others?

Thanks for reading. I'm really curious to see if other people have thoughts, because I'm sure I'm biased, so I want to hear other perspectives.

-Dolly

Just Moving

Why, hello again!

I never did a follow-up after that last post, huh?

Well, I got quite a bit of very sweet support, and only a couple suggestions. Both of which are/were for somewhat controversial and scientific/sociopolitical topics that I don't feel super qualified or safe to post publicly online! So I haven't written about them.

But! I now have something to write about, personally, so here I am!!!

 I'm planning to move! And then move some more. Basically, right now I'm getting started on fixing up my parents' travel trailer and making it pretty before I move in. 

It was actually my grandparents' trailer. I'm not sure how old it is, but my best friend did find a coupon in there that expired in 1997, sooo. . . it's probably a little old. It's in surprisingly good condition, all things considered. My grandparents used it to go down to LA for street meeting, which they would cook for. That was only an annual thing, and beyond that it was only occasionally used either for camping, or as a guest bedroom during family get-togethers. My parents have also been using it as an extra guest room, so I'm not exactly sure what they'll do from here on out.

This is what I'm starting with! The first thing I did was pull up the carpet in the living area. I also started taking out the panels in between the cupboard doors. They were covered in fuzzy, purple corduroy, which seems like a major allergen trap to me! Other plans include painting the walls white, adding vinyl flooring and a vinyl kitchen backsplash, and reupholstering the couch/futon guest bed. My friend, Hannah, also helped me take down the boxes that were over the windows, which really helped with lighting! I just want to put up simple curtains and blinds later. That way when they're open, I'll get as much natural lighting as possible.

I don't know if you can tell in the pictures, but the space is so much brighter already!

The next step, I think, is painting! I plan to buy some paint and primer in one, and do some swatch tests. If they don't go well, I'll have to save up for some gripper primer, which can be pretty expensive.

But for now I'm really enjoying just having a fun project I can always turn to. And I really appreciate having something to work on this summer while everyone else is occupied with harvest. It's always a really hard time of year for me, even though it's fun and exciting, because I can't really be involved anymore. (I haven't been kicked off the crew or anything, hahaha! It's just that driving in the same field all day can put me in a really dangerous mental space.)

Anyway, after all the fun renovation/redecorating is done, I plan to actually move into the trailer! I'm looking forward to a much smaller space and fewer things in it. I've just sort of realized that I'm not a healthy person, and I might never be one. Which stinks. But I want to put myself in the best possible position to cope. My biggest goal is to always be able to look around my home and be able to say, "With just a couple of good days, this could be back to how I want it to be." When I'm not doing well, I just sort of survive. Eating is my main priority, and everything else piles up around me. I want to have few enough things that even if almost all of them were in piles on the counters/table/floors/foot of the bed, I could still see a way to crawl out of that situation. Because at some point, that's always the situation I end up with. I'm not entirely sure why God lets me be this annoyingly weak and sensitive, but I do know that having too many possessions gets in my way when I feel like maybe He does have something for me to do.

Beyond just a change in lifestyle, There will hopefully also be some changes in location! The idea is that I'll stay with my uncle's family in Eastern Oregon for a little while over the winter. I'm curious to see if a change in weather/climate will affect me in any significant or positive way. Whether it does or not, I'm really looking forward to spending a lot more time with my cousins! We have some differences in our approaches to life and faith, but we share a lot of familial values, and I really respect my uncle and aunt and their family. I think they're selfless and hospitable, and they live what they believe.

So, those are my big, exciting plans! And also the slightly rambling explanation for them. 

At some point I wanna have a mini housewarming-type thing. Not like a huge deal, but a fun little get-together to celebrate a new adventure. I want to put in new cupboard and drawer handles, and I love the idea of having my friends and family paint them all! That way I get some fun, colorful, hand-painted things; but also I get to take a bit of community with me when I'm away. Also, I need advice about living in a trailer, cause I have no experience with that! I've already had some fantastic help and advice for the renovation plans, which I'm super grateful for! But I'm also thinking that gathering some people in-person, and letting them look around, might be good opportunity to pick some brains about this specific trailer situation. Also! A lot of the household items I've been using (pots, pans, brooms, etc.) were already in the apartment when I got there, so they don't belong to me. If anyone is planning to donate or get rid of stuff like that, feel free to let me pick through it, if you'd like! Or not. I won't take it personally if you'd rather avoid the hassle of me showing up on your porch and going through your donation boxes before you take them in, like I did at my Auntie Dorcas's the other day, hahaha!

I think that's all the news for now! This will probably become a trailer renovation blog for a bit, since that's what's on my mind more than anything else I would potentially write about. Thanks for reading!

~Dolly

Soon to be: Home, Sweet Home

Moving Forward?

 Hi, it's been awhile.

Obviously, with such a long break, there's a lot I could tell you about. I don't really know where or how to start, so I'll try to do a quick recap and then tell you how I'm currently doing.

Some of you may have gotten my 2020 Christmas letter. If you did, you know that 2020 was the best year I'd had in a long time. I finally ended up with some medication that helped me, and I felt, for the first time in many years, that I could get up every day and actually do the things I wanted to do. And I did a lot, for me.

I survived a falling out with a very close and dear friend, and drew healthy boundaries for myself moving forward in that relationship.

I stocked my fridge with drinks and spent the summer shuttling them to harvest workers on our farm.

I painted signs for a very local campground. 

I organized socially-distant Christmas caroling to relatives and neighbors.

I had a relatively clean house, and worked on organizing my pantry and kitchen, as well as having 2 friends/relatives help me paint the living area of the apartment.

I found a new therapist and started therapy again.

I worked through a lot of beliefs about injustice and false information and understanding different groups of people. 

I actually did things, and I wrote a Christmas letter about how happy I was to be able to actually do things, and then... I dunno. End of December, I just hit a wall.

Heads-up, the rest of this post is not really positive in tone, and if you need to avoid that, I totally understand. Honestly, same. If you want, you can skip to the bolded part at the end. You don't have to, but I'd consider it a personal favor. 😁

Anyway, around the end of December I started talking about how tired I was. I figured it was just the aftershock of a very complicated and emotionally intense year. 

And then I was feeling really off in January. I thought it was a reaction to something, and tried to figure out what was happening. I tried taking my medication at different times, and drinking coffee, eating more food, drinking more water, etc., but things didn't improve. I started being consistently dizzy, having a foggy mind, being clumsy and forgetful, getting consistent stomachaches and head pounding. I found out some of these things could be side effects of my medication.

I went to my doctor, and she agreed that I seemed to be reacting to my medication. We tried swapping out part of the doses for something else, and things went drastically downhill. In addition to the other symptoms, I started feeling weak in my hands and legs, only able to move for a few minutes at a time in between hours of napping. I lost all appetite, and wasn't eating enough to take almost any medication at all. And the symptoms persisted, so it probably wasn't a reaction?

Back to the doctor's with more questions. Back to my old meds, being extra careful to only take them after eating at least one full meal. Things started to lighten. It's been a slow process to eating more consistently, and being able to actually take medication, etc.

And here we are now. I don't think I'm reacting to any medications right now. I'm not feeling super weak or dizzy anymore. Just consistently heavy and tired, and small things exhaust me. I occasionally get a few days where I'll have some little bits of almost-manic energy in between slightly shorter naps, and then it's back to just sleeping and trying to take care of my animals and make sure I get enough to eat. Tonight I realized I should probably try to stay hydrated, too.

For the most part, I'm making things work. Imperfect Foods fits my grocery budget, so I'm getting that right now. Cooking is hard, though. 

I ask other people to help me, a lot. I try to pick the things that I genuinely need, and that won't be a big drain on others. Everyone knows that any plans with me are subject to change. My best friend can tell how I'm doing based on how much I can actually text her. (Sometimes I just don't have the physical energy to lift my hand/phone to text, or the emotional energy to carry on a conversation.)

Some things are extra hard, like Bailey's rabies shot that's coming up. I had to find someone to drive with me, to make sure I'll be safe, and to maybe take over the driving if my brain or body gives out. It's a lot to ask, especially when my family is busy because my great-uncle just died. I'm not going to the funeral, because I have no energy. So I asked my best friend to give up part of her spring break in a few weeks to help me take Bailey to the vet. 

I dunno, I'm just discouraged right now. I was just starting to think that maybe someday I can be more self-sufficient. And then it all disappeared, again.

I don't know what's wrong, although I have some theories to try. At least I can feel like I'm doing something about this, for now. I don't know if anything will help. I don't know if this is just the next thorn in my side and there's something else in me that needs to change or be broken away. It's hard to think like that, because I try so hard to believe that God cares about me intrinsically, not just about what I can produce. I want to question if God is intentionally putting me through multiple years of internal hell, multiple times, just to get a better product to use. I don't think He wants me to suffer, it's just part of life. But it's hard to believe that it doesn't have to be this way, I don't have to be sick, God could heal me... and then to still be unwell and non-functional.

I do still believe God is good, and He's doing something that's good for me. Maybe He is working on healing me, and it's just not what I expect. I choose not to believe that I'm going through this for the sole purpose of blessing someone else. Maybe that's selfish, but I refuse to believe that God would prioritize all His children except me, if that makes sense. I believe He cares about my intrinsic well-being, not just how much use He can get out of me. 

Maybe I need to not fight it. I mean, I would be willing to go through anything if it means others can know God and let Him heal them. At least, I want to be able to do that. That's what Jesus did for me. I just don't see it yet, and it's hard to believe God is using me, or is gonna use me, when I don't even have to energy to text the people closest to me. How in the world could I ever do anything that could help anyone, without things changing? And I don't know that they will. I don't know what God's gonna do, and I don't want to presume that I know His plan, or how it should go.

Anyway, that got pretty rambling. 

To sum up: I don't know what God's will for me is. I'm scared to miss it because I'm incapable of doing.... literally anything. But I only got a year's reprieve from one problem before having another one that incapacitates me, so I don't know if God ever wants me to be a functional human being. And if that's the case, what in the world does He want???

I have no clue.

If you did read all this, thank you. I mostly wrote it to try to stop internalizing some of these thoughts, so I know it probably wasn't a really fun read.

Resume reading here, if you skipped the negative stuff! 

I'm thinking of trying to get back into writing blog posts again, just to have an outlet and something to do. I'm really discouraged of feeling like I have absolutely no purpose. If you have any topics that generally interest you, I would love to research and write about them. If there's something you're curious about, and you don't have the time to look into it, let me know. I have nothing but time, and I love to discover things, whether it be people from history, theological topics, theories about random things, old literature... I just love finding out about stuff, so suggestions are very welcome! If you have more personal questions, about myself or more advice-style, those are welcome, too. I just don't wanna be narcissistic, or pretend to be an expert at life, lol.

I think that's all for now. Thanks, again, for reading.

~Dolly

Let's Talk Politics

If anyone is feeling nervous because this might be polarizing and offensive, don't worry. I'll try to avoid voicing any beliefs that may be open to controversy. At least, I don't think they should be controversial.

If anyone is chomping at the bit to hear my libtard views and knock me down a peg because I am young and female, and therefore ignorant, prepare to be disappointed. But I do invite you to read further, because I'm about to talk about someone with potentially similar views to yours!

This post is more about conversing about politics and social values, than it is about my own beliefs on either of those issues.

Two things are inspiring me right now.

The first is that Someone deleted my Facebook comment, which prompted quite a few emotions in me, and also some soul-searching. This person had posted a meme stating that "If you need to put a color in front of [the phrase 'lives matter', You're] racist."

That post effectively calls me racist, because I do believe that we need to specify race when fighting racism. Another friend commented on this post with the story of the Good Samaritan, challenging the meme's broad generalization. (I.e. Jesus specifically mentioned the race of the Samaritan man, to challenge Jewish prejudice of the time. Is Jesus racist for this?)

I commented, "I can see where you're coming from, but I'd love to talk to you about why I disagree. When's the next time you'll be in the area?"

All these comments were deleted. I am still unsure why my comment was deleted, and would like to talk to the person in question, but I doubt it would go well.

This incident brought up multiple quandaries for me.

My Indignation wants to tag this person in a Facebook post and label them a cowardly hypocrite, for complaining that their voice is silenced by "liberal media", and then silencing others. I am particularly incensed because I did my best to be gracious in my comment and also to remain nonthreatening.

The Patience in me wants to talk to this person. Or tag them in a less incendiary post.

The Justice within me demands I do something to counteract a hurtful voice in this time of upheaval and pain.

The Guard on my Heart believes this is a useless endeavor, and could bring me hurt/harm.

I'm caught within a web of my own values and beliefs. So I think, "What did Jesus do when he met people like this? People who take His Father's Name but choose to be narrow-minded and hurtful?"

"Should I follow His example?"

I remember Him flipping tables, boldly calling people snakes, chasing people with a whip. I remember Him challenging misplaced ideals and false pretenses. (Oh, how I love Him.)

The thing that stops me is that I know it's useless in this situation, with this person. I know it might cause me too much stress.

Jesus called the pharisees snakes until they killed Him. It was pointless, and painful.

I don't know if I can do that, though. I don't know if I'm called to do that. I'm not God. I can't carry everything. So, I write a blog post without mentioning this person's name, and debate whether I should talk to them in-person, or online, or not at all.

The second thing inspiring me, is this: my dad and I went to an anti-racism prayer/worship/discussion night by One Hope Eugene. On the way home, we discussed the concept of defunding the police, the actual real and potential effects, and our views on these topics. I wasn't sure how the conversation went, since it seemed a bit like we were both talking and not necessarily understanding.

The next day, my dad took some time out of his crazy, harvest work-schedule, and came to my apartment to tell me that it's a really good thing that I can empathize with other people and causes (in this case BLM and the reasoning behind defunding the police). We discussed our views a little bit more, and then he left.

I appreciated this so much. I've noticed him making a point of it lately, in fact. If we're getting into a discussion where we don't agree completely, he notices when I start getting passionate or worked up about my point. And (I'm guessing) because he knows that I usually get worked up when I feel like I'm defending someone, he will deescalate things by affirming my values and/or motives.

I want to learn to do the same.

I'm working on it.

The issue for me comes up in situations like my first experience. What are this person's values and motives? I can detect nothing positive whatsoever. So do I try to talk to them and see if I can understand their feelings? Do I challenge them, because they could be spreading harm? Or, do I write them off as a lost cause, at least, as far as my influence can reach?

I have no clue.

What I do know is this:

If someone wants to get into a political debate with me, they need to name 3 positive things about whatever they're arguing against. Every cause, political party, and movement, etc. has multiple sides, and it's pointless for me to try to see your side if you refuse to acknowledge anyone else's experience or priorities. (However, I don't know how/if this would apply if I'm the one seeking conversation.)

If I don't know enough about a topic, I ask questions, and then I do independent research. Especially if I don't have a great feeling about what I'm hearing.

If someone dismisses me as a person, or dismisses the idea of having conversation, they no longer fit in the "Good Person" category, for me. Maybe this is judgmental, but it’s because I think open discussions are key to progress. Being incendiary/dogmatic, and not hearing anyone else out, is pointless and rude. Especially when you're referring to people that are angry and hurt, you need to be gentle. "The bruised reed He will not break," you know?

I think also that I try really hard to absorb information and hear other people's stories. I place so much importance on this, that I can't fathom any good person believing differently about it. Doesn't mean I'm right, but this is definitely how I feel: Being a good person involves openness, growth, listening, and changing.

Hopefully I'm not coming off as challenging people just for the fun of it. Or as narrow-minded or overly harsh. I do think that injustice, prejudice, and stubborn hurtfulness need to be challenged. Especially when they are taking on the guise of faith and righteousness. Somehow that needs to be balanced with a recognition that I'm also flawed, and often wrong.

However, I do wanna clarify that challenging someone's views is not an aggressive thing, to me. In fact, it looks like my deleted Facebook comment.

"I see your perspective, but mine is different. When would it work for me to tell you how I feel about this, and why I think it's important?"

In This Time

I feel guilty for wanting relief from the heaviness in my heart, when so many people have been living under the weight of injustice simply because they exist- simply because others can choose to be evil.

I feel angry at the lies and misinformation I was fed as a child. "Black Lives Matter is racist." "Protesting for rights is just an excuse for violence." "Anti-white racism is a more pressing matter at this point." "Police brutality is not an issue of racism. Systemic racism doesn't exist anymore." I am angry I did not investigate all these things for myself earlier, and that I did not express myself more strongly when I first started realizing they were not true.

I am frustrated at my inability to do more. I feel powerless, and not just powerless as an individual. I feel like this problem is so big and deep and subversive that even all of us together will still be overcome and unheard.

I feel wrath. May God's wrath pour out on this country and all the people who hang on to evil and hurtful ideals, and also those who choose to ignore the voices of the oppressed, particularly when those voices are so accessible.

I feel extreme anxiety. Tension. Conflict. Anxiety that has prevented me from calling. Anxiety that has prevented me from researching and speaking out. Anxiety that has prevented me from marching.

I feel grief that my anxiety has stopped me from doing what I believe. I feel grief that others may be doing the same thing.

I feel pressured to force my anxiety to stand down, and I feel compelled to do something. Almost anything.

I feel insecurity. I don't know that my voice is welcome in the middle of everything. There are voices that matter much more- voices that actually know what they're talking about. Please look for those voices- reading this does not mean you are aware or justified. Writing this does not justify my inactions and prior beliefs. It does not justify my leaving others to believe harmful lies unchallenged.

I repent before God and whoever might read this.

What now?



I don't know how much of this post is ok, and how much it shows my lack of awareness. I hope I haven't said anything here to hurt anyone. I'm sorry for writing about myself right now; I just don't feel really qualified to give information about anything else. I don't want to post anything incorrect for others to read, particularly considering the right-wing community I grew up in. I don't want to give anyone any more ammunition in their wrongness.

Here

I posted this on my art Instagram. And then I wanted to write a little bit. So I posted on my personal account. And now I'm posting here because I want to.

I have started taking some medicine that's really been helping my brain. Like, I can feel that it's finally getting something that it needs to function. As a result, I can function. In the 2-3 weeks since I've started, I have had probably at least 4 mostly happy days. It's a record!

I've been bored. BORED. Not exhausted, BORED! It's such a good feeling to be like, "I'm bored. What if I go for a walk or wash dishes?" Instead of, "I'm bored and tired and my stomach hurts from anxiety and I feel like a worthless person because depression makes me too tired to move, and anxiety is too overwhelmed to even let me decide what to wear today."

So yesterday, when I found my favorite coffee shop extremely crowded, and my best friend had never been there before, and it was loud and overwhelming and stranger-children were standing 2 feet away and staring at my arms... and I still felt ok, and I was fully enjoying my coffee and the company of a friend and reading the dust cover on a book I found... I had to capture the moment.

"I'm pretty much just glad to be here."

Hi.

I haven't posted anything in a very long time. I have written a few things, but either I didn't know how to finish them, or they came off with too strong of an agenda, or they just didn't seem worth posting.

So, here's another shot. Hopefully you guys actually end up seeing it. I'm going to try to just tell you where I'm currently at in life, and what God's been up to with me, and I'm gonna try to not push any particular point or narrative.

I'm not sure where to start.

I don't even know when I last posted.

I guess I'll just start with a broad overview.

I have been living on my own for over two years now, almost three, I think. The last two years especially have been very difficult. I don't know if anyone remembers my post from a few years ago about grieving myself and the dreams that I had to give up, but that general idea has been a very steady theme for the past two years or so, especially.

I've been really discouraged.

For about two years straight, I slowly kept losing all the things that I thought defined me.

I failed at school. I couldn't motivate myself. I lost a lot of friendships. I lost multiple communities, in a way. I couldn't work, not even really just for summer harvest. My creativity kept diminishing. I lost hope in life, and trust in God.

The end of this past May, I turned 20. And in the back of my head, a phrase kept repeating. "You're not a teenager anymore. You need to be an adult now, and you can't handle it."

I started getting panic attacks. I was driving during the first one. I felt the surge of anxiety and tried to calm down, but then I had compulsions to drive into the ditch, or a telephone pole. Alarmed, I called my mom on hands-free. My limbs started going numb.

I thought I was dying of a heart attack.

I turned around and sat in a McDonald's parking lot until someone could pick me up.

It was a scary experience.

Afterwards my body was completely drained, like I had just run up a mountain without any food or water. I was honestly just glad to be safe, and glad for a family that was available to help me.

I kept getting panic attacks without knowing why. I would lie on my couch, immobile, while spasms of tension and numbness ran through my body.

Eventually I realized that all this tension was from the pressure I was putting on myself about my age. The attacks subsided, but I still wasn't doing well.

I decided it was time to reconnect with God. I had been avoiding Him off and on for the past couple years. I didn't really know how to pray, so I set my phone to record my conversations with God. It was a tangible way to remind myself that Someone is listening when I pray, and it really helped me not just stop talking, or get distracted, in the middle of praying.

I also started walking in the middle of the night, admiring the stars and recording myself talking to God.

I told Him how disappointed and fed up I was with my life. I told Him I didn't see things improving. Probably not ever, but definitely not anytime soon. I told Him I was done reading my Bible, and done doing all the good Christian things that I tried to force myself into, out of guilt. I was tired of guilt. I was tired of trying so hard and just being beat down. Repeatedly.

I said every raw, honest, anti-religious, hurt, 'blasphemous' thing that was on my mind.

And I was shocked when I would come talk to God every night, knowing something I hadn't known or believed before. He was speaking to me and teaching me, and I had no idea how.

I thought I was being rebellious, and God was instead honoring me for my honesty.

Hanging out with God in the middle of the night became my retreat. I would dress up and go talk with Him. And I felt peace, for the first time in a long time. A sort of unhurried happiness, without the desperation that I'm used to whenever I try to hang onto a good mood. There was no time limit to this new kind of happiness. It wasn't transient, or so fragile that I had to handle it carefully.

And then one night, I pulled a chair out into my yard, sat down, and asked God what kind of relationship we're supposed to have. How do I relate to the All-Powerful Infinite? I tried fear for about 20 years, and it was futile. How else do people approach God?

"What kind of relationship are we supposed to have?" I asked.

"We're friends."

A whole bunch of implications flooded me as He kept explaining.

He wants to spend time with me. And when I miss my devotions, it's less like angering the God of the Universe, and more like missing coffee with a friend. The constant fear of being abandoned for messing up- it's not really valid.

"Ok," I told God, "but I won't be able to put this information into practice right now."

His response relieved me of even more pressure.

"It's ok. You can just have the information for now, so that when you need it, you already know that it's true."

I've been trying to be more open and casual with God ever since. Sometimes we still don't really talk. But, I'm not scared to talk to Him anymore, and I'm (usually) not actually trying to avoid Him.

A couple other things have changed. I still don't really read my Bible right now, but I don't feel pressure about it. I also told God that sometimes when I'm not doing well, I don't talk to anybody. And He might be included in that. I'm also trying to not put so much pressure on myself about how I'm representing God to others. I trust Him to guide me, and I'm trying to be open and listen to Him. I guess mostly I've just been realizing more and more that I can let God be responsible for my life, and I can just settle in to whatever He's already doing. I don't wanna miss it.

Beyond all that, I may be having the opportunity very soon to get some medical stuff figured out. Last time I tried meds, it pushed me over some very scary edges. But it's been almost three years since then, I think. I'm willing to give it another shot. I'm tired of sort of subsisting, and resenting it the whole way through. But I'm also a little nervous, because meds might not help, and I might be back to square one of trying different things for years with no results. Or, I might be pushed over the edge again, and end up in a really scary or traumatizing situation again. It took me this long to recover from last time, at least enough to try again.

I'm trying not to get my hopes up, but I also slightly feel like my entire life and future depends on getting some help for my mental issues.

I also feel like the past couple years, God has been slowly taking away all the things that I thought were me. He's been slowly and painfully stripping it all back to the bare bones of my true self. And this past summer has given me some hope that maybe now is the time when He's starting to build me back up again, into the plan He has for me.

It would be nice if all this suffering could calm down for a while.

If that's not the plan, I really hope I have the resiliency not to lose my self or my faith in the process.

God, help me. I love You either way, but I'm so tired, and I want to learn what You have planned for me. I don't have many of my own plans left. The only idea I do have, I'm trying to fully give to You. Please don't take anything more from me. I don't think there's anything left except what I'm already trying to give up to You.

I'm trying not to be too optimistic, but I really hope now can be a time of growth. I want to be done growing away from the external, wrong things and ideas I had, and be able to start growing into whatever You have for me to do. I want a purpose to fulfill, but one that's Yours, not mine.

No matter what's coming next, please help me. I am so tired of distancing myself from you; I'm tired of that whole cycle. Thank You for changing my mind. Please keep teaching me.

Amen.

~Dolly

Resolute

This month has been pretty great for me so far. New Year's didn't do anything for me, I think my brain is now wired to think on a monthly basis, not a yearly one. So instead of raving about how 2019 is off to a great start, I will simply say that so far, January seems to be going well.

I meant to spend time at the end of December reflecting over 2018, and figuring out who I want to be in 2019. But I am always late, so it didn't happen until maybe a week ago. I made a pretty little page in my bullet journal, got out a trusty mechanical pencil, and started writing. First I started with my reflections on the key points of the past year, as they stood out to me.

I think 2018 was a year of painful growth.

I started understanding grace more.

I stopped beating myself up as much. 

I prioritized relationships and reached out to people. 

I asked for help. 

I took better care of my body and mind. 

I didn't force others to suffer with me. 

I made myself be a bit braver. 

I didn't take things as personally. 

I prioritized healthier eating. 

I started being more mindful in my struggles and circumstances. 

I learned to stand up for myself a bit more.

I think 2018 was a year of unexpectedly significant achievements.

I called the suicide hotline.

I didn't die.

I started volunteering at an animal shelter.

I learned to manage money

I survived multiple codependent-attempting relationships at once.

My inter-family relationships improved! ( I'm treating others in a more healthy way.)

I want 2018 to be a year of newfound maturity.

I want to broaden my horizons mentally and physically.

I want to make choices, not regrets. (I really like this one!)

I want to be wrong sometimes. To be ok being fallible.

I want to remember that God is in charge.

I will trust Him to be good, more.

I want to spend less time 'on-screen'.

I want to spend my time intentionally and wisely.

I want to cultivate more good relationships.

I want to be more consistent.


And those are my thoughts on 2018/19. I realize that there are a lot of words for someone who "doesn't care" about New Year's this past month. but I don't think this is about New Year's, so much as it is about me just taking stock and looking ahead.

That's all I have.

Oh! My singular resolution is to keep things realistic. I'm tired of setting goals for myself, that aren't achievable, and then getting burned out or discouraged. So, I'ma try to avoid doing that this year. And for the rest of my life as well.

I guess that's why New Year's doesn't seem that important to me. Setting temporary goals doesn't make that much sense. I would much rather set goals to grow, that will change how I live going forward. I want lifelong changes, that will help me be healthier and live more of what I believe.

That's all I've got!

~Dolly.

Investments

About a week ago I spent the weekend with some friends up in Washington. I haven't visited them for at least a year. Being with them made me realize that they've influenced me. In a somewhat small, but also really impactful way.

They believe in healthy eating. And they will spend extra money to eat what they consider to be good food.

It's an investment in health.

When I first visited my friends over a year ago, I had just barely moved out. I hadn't figured anything out yet. I was eating most meals with my family, whenever I could, and eating frozen burritos the rest of the time.

But seeing their lifestyle really impressed me. And now I spend quite a bit of my income on food. I have come to realize that if I don't have food that is easy to prepare and makes me feel good, I don't eat. Period. Eating is just kind of difficult for me. So I put in the effort ahead of time, to make sure that I can keep my body fueled and ready to be used. Otherwise I have no energy and feel sick.

That's how my cooking adventures started. They have grown from there. Now, I not only buy fancy, expensive food that I like to eat, I try to buy at least one interesting new thing a month. And I buy ice cream once a month.

I love sourdough bread, real sourdough, not sour dough flavored. In the big round loaves with lots of crust. I love flavored goat and cream cheeses, because they add a quick punch of flavor to whatever sandwich or pasta or anything that I add them to. I love trying different vinaigrettes and dried fruits on my salads. I like fancy juices that come in unusual flavors, because they help me get enough fruits in my diet, and keep me hydrated. I'm really bad at drinking water.

I really like good food. It's an investment in my health, and also my life. Food gives me energy and a chance to experiment and be creative.

It's worth the time and money.

I've been trying to learn to take this mindset into other areas of my life.

For instance, I spend time working on making my journal functional and enjoyable to look at. If it is ugly or overwhelming or badly laid out, I won't use it. And then I won't be able to keep track of how I am doing in life.

Over this past year, I've been learning a lot more about investing in relationships. If I don't prioritize spending time with other people, the thoughts in my brain become overwhelming and I get lost. I don't like losing myself. So, I've worked to build on the relationships I have, and branch out into making new ones. I try to reconnect with cousins and neighbors I haven't seen for a while. I let go of hurts that don't really matter. and I invite people over even when my house is a mess.

It takes a lot of energy. But the payoff of a genuine friendship is well worth it. It's an investment in my mental and emotional/relational health. It's an investment in community.

There are some areas of my life that still need an application of investment mindset.

I have a lot of trouble making myself do things that will make me feel better later, but that require work now.

It's hard to wash dishes when I can watch YouTube and no one will call me out. But a pile of dishes will give me anxiety, and it will start to smell bad, and then I will have to scrub slimy, stinky gunk out of my pans.

It's hard to fold laundry when I could just leave it in the hamper and dig through it later. Or to put dirty things in a hamper when I can just throw them on the floor.

I could go on about how much I dislike doing chores.

But, because I'm a Christian, I have to make everything spiritual. Just kidding.

But honestly, I really wish I could remember to invest more in my relationship with God. I tend to not feel good enough, so I avoid him for a while. Or I'm tired, so I don't really prioritize hanging out with him. And then I wonder why I have zero motivation and don't know what to do in life.

I find that when I hang out with God even when I'm not feeling good, he might not show me too many new things, but I still find encouragement. Like, I was reading in Ezra or Nehemiah the other day, and the way they prayed was similar to how I pray sometimes, and I felt validated.

That's not a huge spiritual insight, but it's nice to know. I can't brag about it, or feel like I'm smarter or wiser than everybody else, but I feel good knowing that the way I approach God is ok.

The problem is, I can't pre-arrange my relationship with God. I can pre-plan meals when I know I'm going to be tired, or buy freezer foods for when I'm depressed. But I can't stock up on prayer or Bible reading, and coast through it on the bad times.

Bummer.

Now, I think I've stalled long enough. I have work tomorrow. Not actual work, volunteer work. But I still have to leave tomorrow morning.

So, it is time for me to go hang out with God and then sleep.

Even though I don't particularly feel like it.

It's an investment in my spiritual health. In my future. And in my overall well-being.

Goodnight.

~Dolly

My Story

I haven't posted anything for a while. I've had some ideas for posts and things bouncing around in my head, but could never quite flesh them out. Sorry for the hiatus. I don't know if it's ending, but it is having a break right now. Because obviously, there's a post up. You're reading it at this moment.

I don't think this is one of my normal posts. Usually I write about my reflections, or what is currently happening in my life. But today I want to tell you my story. I think it's important. Not that I have a particularly special story, but that it's important for everyone to share their story with at least someone. Even the Bible says that the way God's people have victory over Satan is because of Jesus' blood, and because they tell their stories.

so... Hi! My name is Dolly. I was born in 1999 in Wilsonville Oregon, to my parents.

They are both Christians, and I grew up in a pretty loving, caring environment. One of the things that I was always taught was the idea of sympathy, and/or empathy. So, when I started going to school, I was always friends with the kids who didn't have friends. Usually they didn't have friends because they were weird. But, I couldn't stand the thought of them feeling lonely, so I would hang out with them. I just hated to see anyone around me suffering.

As I started getting a bit older, and life got more complicated, I started becoming more aware of my own personal conflicts and hurts, and started hating my own suffering more than anything.

I think a lot of this was because I always put pressure on myself to perform. I wanted people to approve of me, I felt like I had to make sure I was holding everything together, and not causing any one extra stress or trouble.

when I was around 13, my natural tendencies to be high-strung, started spiraling into a very intense anxiety and depression. I didn't understand what was going on, and I felt extremely helpless and frustrated. I started developing this attitude that if God was going to leave me to deal with this, I didn't want anything to do with Him, either.

This led to a very brief but toxic period of atheism. I was feeling even more pressure to handle everything by myself, and I couldn't. I was emotionally out of control, showering hurt towards myself and towards other people.

One night I went downstairs to talk to my parents, when I should have been sleeping. This was one of my favorite activities. As I was talking, I finally just gave up. Not in the sense of giving up and not trying, but I just finally acknowledge the fact that whatever was going on, I couldn't handle it. It was just too much. And from my upbringing, I knew that Jesus can handle anything. He kind of already did, by taking all of our problems and hurt, and the way we hurt others, and dying under that weight. And it still couldn't hold him down, and he came back to life, and he is alive now.

So, I finally handed everything over to God.

Not much changed, in a way. I have never been a thriver. But I am a survivor. I think because of that, I can tend to believe that I am worthless, and useless. I'm not accomplishing anything meaningful: I'm just barely getting by. But according to God, that's not true. Everyday is the new chance, and I believe that if I am here, it's because God has a plan. So, I have a job to do. And that's really an important part of what I believe.

I think the most important part of my belief system, to me, though, is the idea of Heaven. I just can't wait to go home. To finally be in a place where I fully belong, and I am finally able to recognize that I am loved. Dealing with depression and anxiety, that is a very hard thing for me to acknowledge and believe down here. I just can't really feel/believe it.

I'm just really looking forward to finally being free from all the hurt and sickness that keeps holding me down.

Most of the time, my life is absolutely bleak and miserable. I hate it. A lot.

But what keeps me going is this; The idea that I do have a purpose, and especially The idea that I have a home. Not here, but a place where things will get better, and they will be that way forever.

So, that's pretty much who I am, and how I got here, and what's important to me.

I don't think I'm sharing this to accomplish anything, but here it is. I hope it makes sense. And doesn't sound too spiritual or something.

~Dolly

Coffee and Connecting

I don't know what this post is going to be about, exactly, but there are words swirling around in my head the way visual snippets do before I sketch a new outfit design, so I'm writing. (Or, 'typing,' I guess.)

I've been more creative lately, which is nice. If I'm not sketching, I'm planning room designs, or scrapbooking with Shutterfly, or coming up with new tea blends or coffee creations. Or, in this case, I'm writing. I feel more productive when I can express my creativity like this: doing positive things that help me feel more fulfilled.

It's interesting how all these productive feelings are coming to be, because this is one of the hardest summers I've been through- only second or third to the summer after the crash that killed my grandparents.  That summer was the first time I actually contemplated suicide as a distinct, and possibly positive, course of action. This summer is not nearly as bad in that regard.

But I have been feeling incredibly useless in some of the things that matter to me a lot.

Working.
Helping my family.
Investing in relationships.
Taking care of myself.

I've been so anxious most of the time that it hasn't been a great idea for me to work long hours alone. Which is exactly what farm work requires.

My first few years combining were so fulfilling- I was contributing to my family's livelihood- I had worked really hard to get to the point of being able to run equipment. In fact, I tested this combine before my family bought it, because they wanted to get something I could operate. And that is how we acquired a John Deer 9600 Combine that I named "Frank" my first year. Whether my dad liked it or not. 😉

And then, a couple years ago there was a car crash and my grandparents died. My whole family had to work a lot longer and harder that next harvest, because we were two people short. And I was dangerously suicidal and unable to contribute. My mom filled in for me, which meant that she was a full-time farm worker, a full-time mom, and she was feeding, and washing clothes for, and cleaning up after all of us, the rest of the crew. That was the most devastating summer I have ever lived through.

No summer since has been the same.

So, here I am, feeling sorry for myself.

A week or two ago, something shifted. I had been increasingly lashing out at my family and distancing myself from the world in general. Strange how you only see things coming once they've arrived. I had yelled at my brother, and after retreating back into my apartment to cry about it, I realized how much I'd been reverting over the summer.

The past year or two has been crazy transformative for me. I'm almost a different person from the crazy, hurting, verbally-abusive teenager I was a few years ago. And there I was, acting fourteen again.

I apologized that evening. And that night, I prayed. The next morning, I prayed.

Lord, I have been having all these crazy emotions, and I've been dragging other people into my suffering. It's not ok. Please help me to not do that today.

And things started getting a little better. I'm still an emotional wreck, but I'm not a black hole anymore. Do you know that feeling? When your internal suffering is so dense it feels like it's dragging the rest of the world in with you? I hate myself when I'm a black hole. Not that that's a good thing, it's just true.

My life isn't all better. I'm not combining today. Instead, I'm writing a blog post and crying. Not exactly feeling like a success at the moment. But I am feeling successful.

I've been reaching out to people, reconnecting. I had my neighbor over for coffee yesterday. I went to lunch with a friend on Sunday. I had my best friend over at ten at night last week for ice cream. (She works late.) I've been making frappuccinos and other (coffee!) drinks for our harvest crew. My latest creation is an adaptation of a Pinterest idea: Iced cold brew with lightly salted cream and homemade caramel. It's gorgeous and delicious. Seriously. Amazing. I brew the cold myself. 😁

Not the best picture. It tastes MUCH better than this looks.

I've been teaching my pig to use his ramp and swimming pool.

This is Cornelius. He is a KuneKune, which is a mini breed from New Zealand. He is bad at using ramps.

I've started eating something besides microwaved corn dogs.

Mushrooms, egg, sausage(?), and avocado on a croissant; sprinkled with salt, pepper, and parmesan.

Tomorrow I go back to my counselor/therapist.

Life is getting better. Harvest will be over this week, and I will have made it through another one, by the grace of God and the power that coffee has to bring people back together.

Whatever you're dealing with, I'm sorry. If your loved ones are hurting, I'm sorry. If you're hurting, I'm sorry. If you just don't know what to do with yourself right now, I'm sorry. Honestly. I don't say things I don't mean. And I mean this: You can do this. You can survive this. Life doesn't magically fix itself, but the good thing about it is that, no mater what, "This too, shall pass."

That's all I've got. I hope it makes sense and maybe helps a little.

~Dolly